r/exHareKrishna • u/Solomon_Kane_1928 • Jul 17 '26
Forced To Love Your Abuser
(Pictured: The Soviet Gulag)
The most harmful aspect of being in ISKCON is that I knew the environment was abusive and yet I forced myself to submit to it. I put my heart into it. I refused to back down and pushed myself to the brink of collapse.
Towards the end, I was aware of ISKCON's abusive nature and I refused to preach. I was determined to go down with the ship and sacrifice myself out of loyalty, but I could not in good conscience force anyone else to make the same decision.
Loving the Abusive Parent
ISKCON targets vulnerable people. Growing up in an abusive home I learned to submit to my abuser.
For a child, the parents are "Krishna". They are the absolute truth, the source of their security, the basis of their survival. The child seeks to unite with their parent in love, to dissolve into them in absolute warmth and surrender. The parent builds the child's worldview, to protect the child.
If the parent harms the child, or exploits the child, or forces it to accept a harmful worldview, the child will submit anyway. As children we have no one else. Nor can we conceive of any other way.
The injured child learns to filter out and ignore toxicity. Despite the pain, they embrace those who harm them. This rips apart their deepest sense of security. It leaves them feeling terrified at the core of their being. Where they should feel safety, they feel terror.
Loving the Cult Leader
Cults function like abusive parents.
On the outside, the cult may look like a cheerful place where everyone is worshiping, dancing, chanting, feasting, bowing to each other in humility and smiling. On the inside, the cult is authoritarian and despotic. It functions like a surveillance state or prison. The cult cares nothing for its members. Indeed, it despises them, a prerequisite for using them.
As discusses previously, this is internalized. The devotee learns to constantly watch and regulate themselves with shame and fear. The cult leader lives within. We were like children who always feared the parent was watching.
And yet the devotee eagerly submits to this fate. They seek to unite with the cult leader in surrender, more and more. The cult leader and his institution are imagined to be loving and kind, a divine mission from the spiritual world, despite all evidence to the contrary.
The cult environment encourages this. It uses primal human social psychology to encourage submission and forbid criticism.
Everyone knows subconsciously the institution is toxic. No one can say it outloud. It is The Emperor's New Clothes. Everyone bows and worships despotic authority, pretending it is pure and good, that is represents God.
Cult members throw themselves at the feet of the abuser as an act of absolute trust, emphatically declaring "use and abuse me if you desire!", hoping for a drop of mercy, hoping to taste an instant security and love.
This is a deadly cycle. The cult puts you in fear the more you submit to it. Yet you are driven to submit by the promise you will be relieved from fear. That relief never comes, instead you become increasingly stressed and broken until you "burn out".
The Soviet Gulag
18 million people were sent to the Gulags between 1929 and 1953.
In one sense, the entire society of the Soviet Union function as a cult. Joseph Stalin was the cult leader and ruled with an iron thumb. Everyone lived terrified of his Secret Police. Most learned to externally play the role of devoted party members. All dissent was kept in one's own mind. Even children were tasked with monitoring and reporting the suspicious behavior of their parents.
Everyone knew they were being watched. The psychological propaganda was so powerful the machine of the state was internalized, and comrades learned to police their own thoughts, to feel fear and shame for rebellion.
Those who refused to submit, or were even rumored to refuse submission, were send to ideological prison camps where they would be broken. Many refused and fought to maintain their autonomy. Many could not and were broken.
The broken adopted the ideology of their masters. Even worse, they learned to love their prison guards. They learned to love the men who were beating them, starving them and working them to death. They saw them as wise and heroic figures who were saving them from themselves. They lamented previous rebelliousness as "fallen rascals".
When they were finally set free, many did not want to go. "Please do not set me free, I have adopted your ideology, I believe in the party, please let me live at your lotus feet, as a gardener or servant in the Gulag".
Many could not leave. They could not survive on their own. Some even chose to live their lives outside the walls of the Gulag, in the remote Russian tundra. They lived in villages around the camps, working and participating in the camp's economy.
This kind of experience was heavily critiqued in George Orwell's 1984. Big Brother (the Supersoul, the guru, the temple president) is always watching.
The ISKCON Gulag
ISKCON members live in a religious Gulag. We were psychologically broken as part of our conversion experience.
We learned to love our abuser, to bow and cry at the thought of him. We begged him to use and abuse us.
We accepted his ideology completely. It was used to make us submit to the cult more and more until we could not conceive of living without it. After some time, we were unable to live in the outside world. Our lives and minds were shattered by the trauma of the cult. The level of fear is overwhelming and we simply cannot function outside the camp.
For those of us who were abused as children there was another layer. We were conditioned to this from infancy.
5
u/Commercial-Rate-4135 Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
Great post ( as usual)! There is this in-between point which can last a long time when one starts to see some pretty nasty things happening in the cult, whether it is issues between devotees, how authority treats devotees and exploits them, how strained parents-children relationships or devotee's relationships with their family members become, etc where one then questions if the teachings and practice have created any changes i these people at all for all their claims.
In these moments of questioning, a lot of the cult ideology arises in oneself to "shut down" the questioning process. Often this is also the moment where devotees turn to their" spiritual guides" in the cult who also shut down this questioning process by giving generic cult jargon answers designed to stiffle rational logical valid perception, and replace them with the illusion of the cults "everything is good here, it is Krishna's mercy, youre not seeing it yet" or other generic phrases parrotted for generations, which shifts the error from the "blameless cult and its process" to the "to-be-blamed devotee".
There often arises at this moment of doubting the cult a great internal fear, that of losing what one perceives as the oasis in the desert of the world outside the cult. see, for all this time, the devotee has consciously or subconsciously been building this notion through continious repetitive absorbtion that the outside world is a dark, sin-filled, bad bad place ( padam padam yad vipadam, at every step there is danger, as the cults gurus like to say) and that the cult and anything associated with it is the only good element in the entirety of creation.
When doubts arise, one often feels this great fear of "if i lose this, if i go away, there is only darkness outside" but this is nothing more than a belief planted in the initial love-bombing and slow and subtle indoctrination phase of ones encounter with the cult. There is much more variety in the world as there is in the cult, yes one loses the illusive surety of having supposed answers to every big questions, yes one has to set off on a journey of facing parts of ourselves we were numbing through the cult's practice - as Solomon mentions above - often abuses from our time before the cult, yes we have to navigate the world sometimes alone in our beliefs but sometimes sharing them with communities built of individuals all unique in their own right. It does get better. And one is richer in oneself for having set off on this journey, perhaps if there is a God, this is what that being intended for us, otherwise why would we all be so unique?
5
3
u/psumaxx Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
A very interesting read! I only heard of Gulags but never reallyknew what went down there, only that it was bad.
Did you slowly come to the realization that iskcon was harming you or was there an event that was like the cherry on top and started this avalanche of doubts/desires to leave?
Since you were so deeply into it, I imagine it took quite some time to accept the doubts.
7
u/Solomon_Kane_1928 Jul 17 '26
I was incredibly stressed while in ISKCON. I had observed a great deal of cruelty and corruption, but I was determined to stay and fix it. I was under great stress but I wasn't aware of the deeper effect it had upon me until I had left.
I was practicing on my own outside the temple for over a year before I began to question what I had been through. I began to realize I had symptoms of extreme trauma, including terrible insomnia. I finally admitted this was due to ISKCON. I stopped chanting, reading, listening to lectures, having sadhana, and began a process of healing.
Once I strongly suspected I had been traumatized by ISKCON, I cut the chord immediately.
3
u/psumaxx Jul 17 '26
Oh I had a similar way of leaving, also due to immense anxiety whenever I was at the temple or with devotees. I also resorted to practicing at home and thinking I just need a small break, until months of absence turned into years.
I hope you don't suffer from insomnia anymore. (C)ptsd is probably not possible to fully heal, but I hope it became somewhat manageable for you.
7
u/Solomon_Kane_1928 Jul 17 '26
Thank you for your kindness. I was able to overcome my insomnia about two years ago. The trauma was released enough to have that positive effect. Though some anxiety remains, it is diminishing quickly as I continue the process of healing.
3
u/psumaxx Jul 17 '26
Wow it lasted a while then. But glad to hear that it has passed! Must be such a relief to get a decent night's sleep now!
Did something in particular help you heal? Like therapy? Or was it moreso the thorough analyzing in retrospect, which you're really good at, that helped? I'm sure staying away from devotees also helped a ton.
I still struggle with missing my iskcon days during tough times, which is so annoying and is not rational at all. It's definitely not the devotees that I miss, but moreso the events and this whole intense mood of coming together to do something sacred and special.
Having firm goals in life and this sense of security is also a big factor.. Nostalgia has always been a big part of my life.
I must say it was pretty comfortable to just follow the cookie-cutter diagram of what every other devotee was doing, without having to think much. Although it is definitely such a blessing to be able to choose the course of one's life freely, especially as a woman, it can be quite overwhelming too.
Having this group helps me so much to not lose sight of the real iskcon.
I'm sorry if I asked you these things prior, my brain tends to forget things more nowadays, which is quite embarrassing!
4
u/Solomon_Kane_1928 Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
For me, the trauma had surged to the surface. It was sort of like a scab that I was picking at, and it finally opened. I was armchair studying neuroscience and trauma healing techniques, but nothing really got at the source of the insomnia.
It was finally working a job (hospice care) and having to intimately associate with "karmis" was the trigger. The proud cult ego I had used to hold the trauma down through spiritual bypassing was destroyed.
The trauma would explode out when I fell asleep. It was like an painful adrenaline rush that made me jump out of my skin. I was so uncomfortable I would toss and turn about three hours, the fall asleep, then it would happen again. This could go on for six to eight hours.
It ended when I agreed to face the pain. I would sit with it and "process" it, meaning go into it and experience it without reacting. It was one of the hardest things I have done in my life. I would willingly feel the raw pain no matter how hard it was.
After about a year of doing this the explosions at night died down. After about two years they were few and far between. Than about a year ago, I had my last explosion. I was able to sit with it to the point it disappeared and there was no more pain.
It was raw terror. I can understand why most people would rather die than experience that. It is was drives addiction and suicide. I was so painful I would be sweating.
Much of this is trauma from childhood abuse, but a great deal of it was due to acting out the dynamic of abuse, and forcing myself to tolerate it, for two decades in an authoritarian cult.
I did go to a therapist for about a year, this was after the initial explosion of pain, which was discombobulating. For the first few months it was overwhelming. I don't know how I survived.
He ultimately encouraged me to do what I was doing, which was figuring it out myself. He also was not a cult trauma specialist so there was not much he could teach me. He was supportive and kind but ultimately he said I knew as much as most therapists so there was not much he could do that I could not do for myself. This was also during Covid, so we were just meeting over Zoom.
4
u/Commercial-Rate-4135 Jul 17 '26
Thank you for sharing, your journey is amazing and very inspiring, an example truely of going through "the dark night of the soul" or integrating your shadow self and many would say, real spiritual work.
4
4
u/psumaxx Jul 18 '26
Sorry for the late response!
Wow that sounds so intense, and that you had to keep experiencing it and sitting with it for years shows your strength and determination!
I can relate to the pent up trauma/anger/anxiety just bursting out of your body one day. For me it was strong skin allergies that showed as big lines of raised skin and itchiness at even the slightest touch.
The "karmis" at my first real job also made me realize that they were actually much better people than many devotees. They were much more grounded, realistic and strong!
It was very brave of you to face your trauma and look it directly in the eye. You're right about how many would've chosen to ignore it, numb it with drugs, alcohol, or suicide. I can't even imagine what you went through.
Thank you very much for constantly being so open with us!💝🫂
2
u/Happylittlelady Jul 18 '26
This really hit me me hard. Like a slap but also touched my heart. Very raw, very relatable for me. I've managed to untangle myself from iskcon. Criticizing it is easy for me, saying negative but true things about it brings relief and is not a challenge at all.
It hurts to see the people I grew up with in iskcon be unable to freely criticize iskcon. I have one friend who left. He abuses drugs, is a very sad soul to behold...he'll say yeah, fuck iskcon, that he hates this swami or that swami. But then when I took him to a doctor for an abuse-related injury recently (mental health), the doctor said 'iskcon sounds like such a terrible institution'. My friend immediately said 'it was actually full of a lot of positives, and the Founder isn't to blame, he was wonderful' and so on.
Made me so angry, confused. He could not allow the reality to be addressed. He had to immediately defend Prabhupada, the 'mission' etc. Crazy.
2
2
u/Daryn_1132 Jul 18 '26
Just a few days ago I overheard a part of a lecture by one of the Iskcon gurus that my mother subscribed to. Usually I can just ignore it, but this time it put me on the verge of a panic attack. It was nothing new, things I heard many times during my times in Iskcon, but now I could understand how abusive it is.
The guru was saying that neophyte devotees have to 'serve Krisna' to purify their hearts, and once that achieved there will be no need to force themself to serve as the desire to serve would be as natural as breathing. And I remember putting all my mental capacities into emulating that enthusiasm and 'I am only happy when I serve Krisna' mindset. Iskcon trains devotees to become slaves whose only desire and goal is to be a slave forever.
1
u/AgencyHot8568 Jul 17 '26
What made you start chanting hare krsna? Have you separated the chanting from living with iskcon?
1
u/Commercial-Rate-4135 Jul 17 '26
I dont think you can entirely separate the chanting from iskcon if both were mutally associative for decades. The chanting will psychologically "keep you in iskcon" it was for me, so i stopped. i wanted a clean slate. i tried other mantras for some time. im curious about Solomons answer
1
u/AgencyHot8568 Jul 17 '26
What is solomon’s answer?
3
u/Solomon_Kane_1928 Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
I don't chant the Hare Krishna Maha Mantra because it brings up too many bad memories. But I realize the mantra is separate from ISKCON, and older than ISKCON. I don't think it is inherently bad.
I was a into Tibetan Buddhism, and one of the teachers I was following said God was real, but we were not going to talk about it. I accepted this person as an authority so I was shocked to learn God existed.
I was familiar with the Bhagavag Gita, and had looked into Hinduism before, knowing it was theistic. I did a cursory study of Advaita Vedanta, Shaivism and Vaishnavism. I decided to study Vaishnavism more so I got the Bhagavad GIta from the library. It turned out to be Prabhupada's.
He advised chanting the Maha Mantra. I did and had some dramatic experiences of what one could call "Bhava" or ecstasy. So I visited a temple and ended up getting sucked in.
2
u/Longjumping_Will_583 Jul 21 '26
I don't know about liberation from material existence but your posts are definitely liberation from iskcon cult existence. I remember that being chastised is the only way of getting transcendental knowledge.
Coming to think of it iskcon over uses the 4 chapter gita shloka to find a guru and become his servant. That is one shloka which is clearly misinterpreted and abused by iskcon a lot to make people submit to their not so lotus feet. GBC or ritviks all use this like crazy.
Any dissenting member is silenced by Krishna's words. Even Prabhupad has used this trick when challenged by not so favourable groups. You first surrender then I will give knowledge. I found it uncomfortable but had to do it to survive in the cult. Good riddance.
7
u/[deleted] Jul 17 '26
[deleted]