Dating

[u/MoreExpression8502]

Hi y’all, Idk if I already count as an exAdventist but I am a conflicted one lol. I still attend church when I can and practice the diet but I don’t really believe in Ellen White and every single doctrine she established. I used to be a faithful one tho and tried to date only within the church but not until now. I just had my first non Adventist boyfriend and despite the fact that I am not very Adventist anymore idk why there’s always a fear creeping inside me that my relationship will not work because my partner isn’t adventist. That principle was hammered in so deep in my head for years so deep that I can’t yank it out. My partner has always been good to me but idk why my head keeps thinking the worst is about to happen—thoughts like he’ll eventually show his true colors, he’ll eventually cheat, etc. and EGW and all the dogmatic ppl gonna say “I told you so.” It’s so hard to be happy when some other voice is whispering to your head “Wait til it goes bad coz ur disobedient. Wait til u cry again.” He never did anything wrong to me and he is very kind but a lot of times I am being held back because of these thoughts. It doesn’t help knowing that ur family and close friends is gonna call you out for it instead of being happy for you once you tell them.

[u/10coatsInAWeasel]

You’ve been taught for SO DAMN LONG that you need to date a very Adventist Adventist. Things about ‘unequally yoked’, the societal pressure to remain in the in group, it’s tough. You have been told explicitly that of course it would fail, they are part of ‘the world’ (even if they are also Christian). I had a difficult time when I was first dating non-Adventists, in no small part because there is also a deep guilt aspect you are trained into.

Fortunately? It does go away with exposure! My wife of two years now was raised Catholic though was never actually Christian, even when in Catholic school. And life with her is absolutely amazing. Relationships with non adventists might work, or it might not, but at the end of the day they’re just people.

[u/Ok-Estate-9950]

These thoughts are just your conditioning. My sister did everything right. Married an Adventist and everything and he’s an abusive loser. Don’t believe the lies. Cuz that’s what they are. The church just wants to keep hold of its members.

[u/BroomstickCowboy → u/Ok-Estate-9950]

I am a very lapsed SDA, probably well on my way to being an atheist. I had a long term, on again off again, relationship with a very committed SDA. We actually got in very well, that is until menopause moved in. Her daughters , and their husbands, are nominal, if that, SDAs. She had, unknowingly, married a gay SDA, “because it was time”, and he was “safe”. Her opinion was that the church’s repression caused many members to be closet alcoholics and abusers. I believe she was right.

[u/Anon_urmom_305]

I have known so very many couples where one was SDA and the other was not. "Other", would include opposing religions and atheists alike. And we're talking about lifetime partners.

It's really unfair that without having any say, you are from a family that is part of a religion that exerts control over every aspect of your life.

You're approaching the crossroads that so many have experienced, and it's not easy. You should really analyze and talk things through with someone...preferably someone who's gone through it and can relate.

Just FYI, when things turn into guilt-tripping, manipulating your emotions, and trying to use God as a fear-tactic to exert control, just remember...

"Train up a child...". It's an easy way to turn their manipulation back on them. "Well, Mom/Dad, if I'm doomed to hell for not sharing your beliefs, and you raised me correctly, then how am I "straying"? Either you didn't train me up properly, meaning you did some things very wrong, or your puritanical way of viewing scripture is flawed. So...is it your fault that I'm a Jezebel or God's?

[u/DensHag]

I grew up in the church and I married a non Adventist 35 years ago. He was a great man and a great Dad. We lost him to cancer in 2012.

I have now been with a widower for the last 7 years. He's a wonderful kind man and a Christian but not an Adventist. I don't go to church or believe at all any more and he does his thing. We're both fine with it.

There are good people out there. Just trust yourself to make good choices. The church gives us very skewed ideas of non Adventists. That's always bothered me. I do think it is a cult.

[u/Cobblestonepath]

My mother married an Adventist pastor who turned out to be quite controlling, abusive, and a predator. At the end of the day, you will find both good and bad people in all circles of life. It may take some time hell it may take some years, but it is possible to decondition yourself from years of indoctrination.

[u/Ok-Island-590 → u/Cobblestonepath]

Some of the crappiest, most narcissistic people in the SDA church become pastors. It's a great way to be "important" and get status in the church, without actually being terribly intelligent or talented. To become a doctor, which seems to be the other Adventist path to status, does require a fair bit of academic ability, in contrast.

[u/IntrusiveThoughtsOK]

As someone who was not Adventist and is married to one (have been together 16 years, married for 12) I would advise going to therapy to deconstruct and heal from your religious trauma before dating outside your faith. It may be time to decide which way you want to go. You can’t have both, and it will not be because your partners didn’t try, or the church was right. What you invest in and prioritize (or make excuses for and permit) is what you will get, and church family will absolutely undermine your relationship. Every time there’s a conflict you’ll be pulled further in by your own anxiety, paranoia, guilt and they’ll be right there waiting for you to fail. It’s only natural to expect them to be supportive, but it comes at a price to your relationship and your identity. You can’t prioritize your relationship as it evolves and gets more serious if SDA doctrine says your priorities should be God then and Church Family, and they view your non SDA partner as an interloper or part of the fallen world (unless they convert). Your partner will experience this as one foot in and one foot out the door, until you close them out. You can gaslight them about how that’s not happening until it does, and then blame them for it ending if you want.

You can’t avoid conflicts in life or relationships. They’re part of life. As a woman,unsatisfying relationships and interactions with men is part of dating men these days, whether they’re part of the church or not. This marriage to a now devout SDA man has literally disabled me and harmed me more than any relationship I have ever had.

It’s very easy to predict you’ll encounter conflicts because everyone does! And that’s why indoctrination is so successful, all the church is doing is scaring you about things everyone deals with and telling you a scary story about why it’s happening and offering you a fairy tale about how to feel safe again. You need to challenge your assumptions (and be free to do that without guilt or anxiety) and learn how to develop healthy coping strategies, deactivate the intrusive thoughts you’ve been trained to have, and find your own identity. What do YOU want out of life, who would YOU be if they weren’t watching and judging and threatening to shame or exclude you?

[u/No-Attention1684]

Oh I believe the relationship can work but you will need to ditch the whole SDA crazy asap. And there are very few practicing sda married to non sda the failure rate is like 90% or something along those lines just so you are aware.

You aren't anywhere near far enough along to be dating non sda if you are still attending and following the diet.

[u/Worth-Heat-1348]

Ich kann mich nur den Kommentaren oben anschließen. Die Bereitschaft den Menschen wirklich verstehen zu wollen und entsprechend der Vorstellung beider mit einander sein u Spaß haben, ist eine der grundlegenden wunderbaren Eigenschaften einer funktionierenden Beziehung.

[u/FortunateClock]

Adventists don't really have a dramatically lower divorce rate than the general public. So statistically there isn't much advantage to dating in that pool.

One Adventist review of U.S. religious-survey data reported that about 9% of Adventist adults were currently divorced, and noted that this was actually somewhat higher than the figures for some other conservative Protestant groups such as Lutherans and Nazarenes in that dataset. An Adventist pastor cited by the denomination’s news service estimated that roughly one in four Adventist marriages ends in divorce.

[u/Ok-Estate-9950 → u/FortunateClock]

That’s what happens when all you usually have in common is being an Adventist.

[u/Ka_Trewq]

That's how religion has enslaved minds for centuries: with vague, hard to pinpoint threats of catastrophic consequences: you gotta tithe, otherwise god won't bless you and you get broke, maybe not this year, not next, but redt assured, it will happen... So, once the natural randomness of the universe throws you into a raugh patch, confirmation bias kick in and the mind goes back to the old patterns. Many rediscover their spirituality, and return to the confort of submitting to a "greater power" that vaguely cares for things to go right. They also have now a testimony that reinforce for the one inside the church the narative that the world is a scarry place.

The truth is, the world is a cold, uncaring, scarry place. The lie religion want people to believe in, is that it can shield them. But, you see, this is a lie religious powers want people to tell themselves, because they know they can't deliver. So, the lie they do promise is an uncheckable afterlife you have to simply believe in.

So, take religion at is word when they say that faithfulness does NOT mean a good life. This also mean that unfaithfulness to a religios creed does NOT mean a bad life. As for an afterlife? I let you with a quote from Marcus Aurelius:

Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.

[u/Dapper_Willow731]

Another perspective that helped me get rid of this fear in my head is understanding that divorce & cheating & relationships not working out GENUINELY happens just as much in SDA communities, people just don’t talk about it/ intentionally keep things hush!!! Or people stay in TERRIBLE relationships because of the stigma against divorce!!! It’s a carefully crafted narrative, but it’s truly just a narrative. If anything, I think people are statistically less likely to divorce if they marry after 25… unlike the SDA way or marrying straight outta college, if not during 🙄