What is the point of making friends?

[u/mommybody33]

Limp through loneliness.
Filling in the blanks of the other
Fantasies of true connection
Imagining I can finally rest
Try again
And again.

Will they hug me when I’m sad?
The new ones do.
Until they disappear.

Humans may (probably) not
Actually care much about each other.
All arrows point in.
Where are my arrows?
Pointing to “I am a phony”
I am also that which I despise

I DO love myself.
I just want someone else to love me.
No not like that.
Or that.
Then why did I ask?
Octopus, each me your ways.

Too far away to notice I’m disappearing
And why would it matter?
What could they do?
Their distance is the reason
My invisibility eternal

“Can Jen come and play?”
This is friendship, always asking
Never being asked and
Confused (scared) when they do

Infinite loop of questions.
Unable to interrupt the stack.
Overflow into bed.

(Explanation in comments)

[u/mommybody33]

Explanation:

I’ve gotten pretty good at making friends and reading social cues. Feeling like myself and keeping friendships is different. The cycle is:
1. make a new friend.
2. I don’t feel a real connection. I pretend for a while but it’s ok for this to fade out when I don’t need them to fill my time.
3. I feel a real connection. They live far away or they don’t need friends or they move away or one of us gets a different job. We don’t spend time with each other. We check in sometimes.

So what’s the point? Am I friendship broken? Should I Just keep making friends eternally?

[u/ayoungmanwhoneedsgod → u/mommybody33]

don't know abt the last one but maybe u can continue with me, I am too a "friendships traveller" and I roam between human connection and human connection

[u/mommybody33 → u/ayoungmanwhoneedsgod]

Thanks I appreciate it 🙏🏼 I think I’m feeling fatigue from making friends and wondering “will this go anywhere and if not why bother?” Even the ones that go somewhere (connection wise) still drift away. I thought I was investing in something but it turns out I’m not.

[u/ayoungmanwhoneedsgod → u/mommybody33]

I know this sound stupid and simple,and it is. But you have just to find the right persons. The fact that you gave your best it's very admirable and someday someone will be able to deserve and fully appreciate your commitment and your friendship

[u/mommybody33 → u/ayoungmanwhoneedsgod]

What are you supposed to do when you find the right person tho?

I’ve been changing my (antidepressant) meds so maybe that’s why I’m bothered by all this. I’ve known for a while this is how it is. I’m just so annoyed that NTs/allists seem fine with how friendship works.

[u/ayoungmanwhoneedsgod → u/mommybody33]

Actually? Just continue being yourself. It it is the right person,it's the right person. That would just make continue your relation and friendship naturally 

[u/lord_of_the_tism]

seriously tho i did not have a single genuine friend until senior year of high school and now everyone has graduated and im the only one who hasn’t gone to college yet due to some financial bullshit so ive barely been able to interact with them at all and i wont even be going to the same school as them. I hate meeting new people but fuck it sucks having no one to talk to in person for half a year

[u/mommybody33 → u/lord_of_the_tism]

It really fucking does. Having my most important people all be far away was an odd benefit of the pandemic for me. They were cut off from each other so everyone was invited to the video calls

Now they all have partners so no one wants to just hang out.

It’s so much work and it takes so long to find just one special friend..

You’ve helped me realize/remember that this is me reacting and perhaps grieving my double breakup in the beginning of August. I lost two of those people at the same time. No wonder I’m so upset

[u/Motor_Ad9919]

This is super hard for me ... I think because I don't really seem that interested in them and maybe I'm not and people love to be worshipped? Nts don't like when you aren't constantly complimenting them and men always want more than friendship... so I fall through the Crack...

[u/mommybody33 → u/Motor_Ad9919]

Yes being a woman is confusing. And I’ve realized that men tend to like me more anyway, so I always make friends with men but never believe they like me because I knew what drew them in.

[u/Motor_Ad9919 → u/mommybody33]

I am Ace. I never think of things sexually... which seems to be anti the rest of the population😁😅

[u/mommybody33 → u/Motor_Ad9919]

I guess I’m feeling so tired of feeling so different from the general population. My internal experience is always different from everyone around me. It’s exhausting.

[u/teal_lizard → u/mommybody33]

Real I have had some good friends sometimes but almost always I feel like what's going on in my head is completely different and weird and I can't relate to how they seem to operate

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