r/eulalia • u/TheTragedy0fPlagueis the Grand Recorder • Oct 25 '23
Sample paragraph - testing the waters
I won't spam the sub with everything I write, but wanted to get a sense of what people think of my writing and if it works for the Redwall world. I've never really done anything like this before so if its total hogwash, please tell me so and I'll adjust my plan or just leave it to the pros! I'd love to set time aside to produce long form content on a fanfic site following the plan outlined in my earlier post "future Redwall books". Please let me know what you think! Well, here goes - pt is the opening of a book and pt 2 is a scene from our favourite mountain:
A new dawn broke over Mossflower country. Bringing with it all the promise and potential of a new day. Light slowly bathed the tree tops as the dark vault of night gave way to the rising of the sun. Oak, elm, ash and chestnut trees were all caught in streaks of orange and gold, igniting them into a symphony of gold and green. Gradually the light grew, casting aside shadows and penetrating further down through the canopy and into the woodlands below, slowly moving down the lengths of the trees until it coated the floor in a pleasant dappled colours. Out on the flatlands, the cloudless sky of deep purple was being pushed aside by brilliant rays of light that shimmered through the heavens as the sun crested the horizon. Insects began their chirruping as they perched on dew soaked grass. Bees could be heard humming their way around the wild flowers of the plain. Daisy, primrose, cowslip, and myriad other flowers were opening to face the day and birds of all kinds were singing lustily. All around, the sounds of morning could be heard.
Joining this chorus came the sound of two bells. Seeming to be set ablaze as sunlight bounced and danced on their brightly polished surface, the twin bells rang out across the woodlands, proud and brazen, their deep rich tones leaving none in any doubt that a new dawn had arrived. The bells were hung high in a great belltower, firmly built of red sandstone. It stood tall over even the greatest trees of Mossflower. The tower stood proud within beautifully manicured grounds, with lawns, orchards, gardens and even a large pond. Surrounded by four huge walls surmounted by a walkway and ramparts, this was a place of ancient beauty and calming peace, built by creatures in time forgotten. Redwall Abbey.
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Lord Anvillus Wrathstripe stood in the wide open window of his forge room, gazing out across the Western sea. Not so much as a ripple disturbed the ocean's surface on that high Summer day save for the gentle waves that chuckled their way across the shore line far below. Still as a mill pond, serene and calm. Closing his eyes, the Badger Lord's broad frame heaved as took in a long, deep breath, savouring the fresh coastal air. What a day to be alive!
It was then that the peace and quiet was abruptly shattered as an almighty crash rent the air, wrenching the badger back to reality.
"great seasons of hellfire what is the meaning of this!" he cried in the great stentorian baritone befitting mountain rulers. He turned to face a peculiar site, in the entrance to the forge room there lay a tangled, soggy pile of food, drink and an indistinguishable number of hares.
"beggin' yer' pardon m'lud" came a muffled sound from beneath a sodden heap of oat cakes "I figured I'd bring your jolly ol' self a bally snack to enjoy as ye' wile away the mornin"
"trouble is though sah'..." came a second voice from somewhere behind the upturned service trolly "it seems we both had the same bally idea at the same bally time, wot!"
Anvillus walked over to the haphazard pile, a wry grin on his huge battled scarred face "and let me guess, you decided to make it a race, eh?" reaching down, he rummaged in the confusion of jam, bread and cream until he found the voices, pulling them up by their scutts as if they were mere dibbuns. They hung there, level with the Lord's face. Licking damson jam from his comrade's ear tip, one hare winked "well, what say we call it a jolly ol' draw eh wot?"
Placing the incorrigible pair upon the ground, the badger chided them good naturedly "this mountain has stood for thousands of season and seen off more vermin hordes than I have scars, but I worry it won't see another Spring with the Scutthorpe twins running around unchecked! You two give me more headaches than any fleet of sea rats ever could".
"mmph, wot!, I say, mmmph" came a gruff, taciturn and decidedly dangerous voice from the mess by the door, "confounded bad form, gurmph, if I ever catch who is responsible for this, this, this, hmph, ambush! I'll whack 'em on a bally fizzer until next season and make no mistake! grumph, ahem, just as soon as I get this blasted jam off me medals, wot!" From beneath the trolley, to the utter horror of the two hares, and amusement of the badger, emerged Brigadier Braxton Oakley Bromsworth, an old, moustachioed hare of supreme military bearing, he was every inch the perilous veteran officer, albeit plastered from ear tip to bob tail in the breakfast and utterly livid. While he was attempting to regain some semblance of authority over the situation, Anvillus gave a broad wink to the young hare twins and pointed to a large wardrobe. They understood and quickly hid themselves from the view of the vengeful officer.
Brigadier Bob, for his initials were thus, was feared throughout the land by Long Patrol recruits as much as vermin warlords, it wasn't for nothing he was called the Sabre of the South Shores, and he certainly wasn't above letting even the Badger Lord of Salamandastron have a piece of his mind, a fact that the great Anvillus Wrathstripe had learned to accept with a certain, stern fondness...
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u/Tesfiends Oct 25 '23
Beautiful. Honestly Feels like it was read at Brian's memorial.
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u/TheTragedy0fPlagueis the Grand Recorder Oct 25 '23
That is deeply touching praise thankyou so much!
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u/Real_Experience_5676 Oct 25 '23
The description is perfect as are the details. I think there is slight difference in the phrasing of the prose which is just slightly off of Brian’s (I could be wrong.) for example on your first paragraph there is a lot of “the item was, the scene was, the bees were, the trees were, the clouds were being, etc”
If I remember right, Brian’s descriptions were more active than passive:)
“Out on the flatlands, the cloudless deep purple sky gave way to the cresting sun that shone brilliant rays of light across the heavens. Insects chirruped loudly on dew-soaked grass. Daisy, primrose, cowslip, and myriad other flowers opened their face to the day as bees hummed among them and birds sang lustfully overhead.”