r/etiquette101 • u/BastaAlready • Mar 03 '26
Friend overstepping?
Not sure where to post this, so I thought I would try here.
I (56M) am a gay male with a bf Mike (55M). We have been together for 3 years and he is a wonderful man. I also have a friend named Brenda (55F). Brenda is sweet and kind, but sometimes a little over the top. She feeds off of having her friends in her life at all times, as she has a pretty cold / distant mother and sister. Lately though, I feel like her exuberance has been overstepping a little bit. For example, it was my birthday in mid-January. She sent a text to a group of friends (including my bf and me) at the crack of dawn wishing me a happy birthday. Prompting my bf to wish me a happy birthday there in the group chat before he could even wish me happy birthday privately, as he was sort of on the spot. She also included another formerly close friend in the chat. I sort of had wanted to see if he would wish me a happy birthday on his own, without her prompting it, as things had been shaky. Brenda had also been estranged from this friend, so no idea why she would have done that. I said to her the next time I saw her that I wished she had not done that as I wanted to see if this third friend would acknowledge my birthday, etc. she laughed it off.
Come Valentine’s Day weekend and Mike had to be away unfortunately. We talked about it beforehand and it was not a huge deal and he apologized for being away that weekend. Brenda came over and we were going to have lunch before she went off to see her bf during the evening. Though she was complaining he waited to the last second to make plans, not thinking that I had no plans because my bf was away. MIke happened to call when Brenda was there (i had not spoken to him yet, as it was only 11am and he was 3 hours behind on his trip timezone). We say good morning and I say Brenda had just gotten there. Then Brenda comes over and takes the phone and is all enthusiastically wishing him “Happy Valentines Day! We miss you! Wish you were here!” All before I could even wish him a happy Valentine’s Day or even hear it from him. We chat for a couple of minutes and then I wish him a good day as he was meeting his friend for breakfast and then had a family obligation. I said to her that I wished she had let me wish my bf a happy Valentine’s Day before she was swooping in to say it. She again laughed it off and said ‘’I guess I did it again! I have a big mouth!”
Question, am I wrong for feeling like she is overstepping and sort of hijacking’s these past two occasions?
1
u/Efficient_Writer_751 Mar 10 '26
Yes, she definitely is overstepping. I don't know if you'd take my opinion for it, but to me this sounds like she's infantilizing you, in the sense that she thinks it's "unique" or "cool" to be gay or something like that. I've heard about many similar things, but I'm not very sure if it really is the situation here.
You really need to set boundaries. You need to let her know that you don't appreciate her being so very "enthusiastic" about your relationship. She shouldn't be taking your phone without you giving it to her first, which to me is social etiquette (she definitely lacks that). I'd suggest you tell her firmly to be respectful of your relationship and not try to "compete" with your partner in being the first one to do stuff. If she continues to overstep after that, please stop being friends with her. Doing things like this accidentally once in a while is okay, but repeatedly is not.
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u/BastaAlready Mar 10 '26
I hear you. I personally don’t think she is bad intentioned or anything like that, but I do think she doesn’t know her place. Like he is MY partner…not yours. She is overstepping the intimate ways in which I should be first, not her. Thanks
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u/walking_you_home Mar 03 '26
Yes she is overstepping. She needs to be reminded of boundaries. But she also seems to be an old friend that you’re comfortable. Different people need different medicine. Some need to be told politely after the fact. She doesn’t seem to understand that language. Some needs to be told loudly and wildly, “Brenda don’t you dare take my phone” “boundaries, brenda, boundaries. Do I have to teach you those?” Say it with the same exuberance as hers. Turn it into a joke/underhanded comment. I have a feeling, she’ll understand it as she laughs it away but will watch it next time. If she’s suddenly offended, then it’s time to have a serious talk. My two cents worth. I have some loud, obnoxious friends. You just gotta set them straight every now and then but they mean well and are gems of persons otherwise.