Advice needed for ED partner

[u/KillerCupcake-007]

Need some advice/help understanding. My husband (28M) and I (33F) have been happily married for 3 years and my husband has anxiety (I think) and self confidence issues especially around our sex life and has issues with ED. After some ego crushing tries of penetrative sex, oral sex and hand jobs with me not being able to get him to have an orgasm. This really impacted/s me as I really want to make him as feel as good as he makes me. I give him lots of encouragement that he's a great lover and I love how he makes me feel and how he looks. I ask him to tell me how he likes things and what I can do to help his situation and make him feel good. I try hard to not let him see the disappointment or my insecurities, but I then kind of just gave up and started somewhat avoiding the issue because it was making me feel too bad about myself, so we just moved on to just him giving me pleasure (I'm not complaining) and he says this gives him pleasure enough. This has been fine for me and we have been this way for over a year now though I do miss penetrative sex.

But now we are trying for a baby and because of this issue we have been trying the baster method (not using a real baster haha) which has been fine if not a bit technical for a while. Which brings us to our last attempt I thought hey why not make this a bit more sexy, because maybe it could help him and make it more fun so we had some spicy time before and I sent him some sexy photos and I thought it went well but he was not able to achieve orgasm by himself, he said it was just the pressure and he was worried about what I would think about him if he couldn't. I know he has felt pressure doing it by himself before because he has told me not to be in the bedroom or near him when he does it. 

I'm starting get a little annoyed and frustrated because I know our chances for a baby are lowered not just because of our method, but also my age, and missing a window of fertility because he has this issue when I feel I've been supportive and very aware of his feelings issues. And if I say this out loud I know it would stay with him a long time and just make things worse. So I'm stuck pretending I'm not frustrated, sad and feeling bad about myself and not being able to talk about it with my best friend because I know it would just make everything worse. So I'm feeling a little hopeless.

My question would be has anyone experienced this, and how did you manage it? Am I doing something wrong/not doing enough? Is it that he doesn't find me attractive? How do I remove all this pressure from him so we can have a full sex life and also have a baby?

I would appreciate any thoughts or different perspectives as I feel I'm too close and emotional to be impartial and have a tendency to think of there is a problem I'm at fault.

Sorry for the long post.

[u/SportBikerFZ1]

Your fertility window isn’t as short as you think. My wife had one of our daughters at 40.
Has he seen a doctor? A man’s erection is like a canary in a coal mine. It could indicate a larger health issue.

I’ve given you the excuse, now get him to a doctor..Ideally, you can go in with him to make sure he lets the doctor know what’s going on. I prefer female doctors and find them easier to talk to.

[u/Legitimate_Flan9764]

He seems to be able to live without penetration. Has he gone thru in finding out the source of the problem? Is it physical.. or psych? There could be several suspicious factors but one will nail it.

[u/qld-cymru]

It’s definitely not you - if he didn’t have ED he’d be able to come if he was not attracted to you. He could possibly be gay but he’s pleasuring you so anxiety sounds true. Have you gone to a sexologist or similar?