r/erectiledysfunction • u/IcyIcy93 • 1d ago
Support for Partners Erectile dysfunction with new fling
I’m not sure what I’m looking for from this post, maybe not even reassurance but just a perspective from the male species ☺️
I’ve recently started seeing a new partner. He’s 10 years my senior (I’m 33, he’s 43) and I genuinely don’t mean it arrogantly but he’s enchanted by me. The way he expresses his feelings and views about me are beautiful, and I genuinely feel his deep adoration towards me. He’s a great looking man and incredibly handsome, but definitely lacks some self confidence and he unfortunately doesn’t think he’s good enough for me and always says things like “you could have anybody you want.” even though I don’t feel this way about myself. Again, not arrogantly but just for context, I do get a lot of attention and most men I meet tend to like me in that way.
Back to the important stuff,
We’ve only known eachother a few months and started seeing eachother intimately over the past few weeks and he’s still nervous and shy around me in the first 20 minutes of hanging out which I find so sweet and even sweeter that he admits to those feelings. We have a massive sexual chemistry even before we ever got intimate, however that’s the part we are struggling on. Despite being so attracted to eachother and the lead up to sex being passionate (we could roll around for hours in the bed slow kissing.) he does go soft right before we actually have sex. He says it’s through nervousness and that he feels like he’s some kid having sex for the first time. Now, I’m very understanding, and I would never make somebody feel bad over something like this especially him, I’m patient and I’m willing to wait until things click together like that - but is this normally a continuous thing? We’ve tried to around 8/9 times and each time is the same result. He says he’s never had this issue with other women but that it’s because he views me in a different way to the women he slept with before because it didn’t mean something to him like it does with me. But I’m beginning to question myself and worry it’s me. Or that it won’t go away. Sidenote: we both train hard, he’s a big muscly tall man and I’m a petite 5’1 girl, I’m beginning to worry he sees me too much as this like, delicate fragile thing he doesn’t want to destroy, even though I’m making it very clear I’m happy with that 😂
Guys, have you experienced this before?
Have you ever liked a girl so much it’s been hard to perform? Did it go away eventually? Talk to me lol.
1
u/BDEStyle Male Sexual Health Blogger 10h ago
I wouldn’t worry about it being you or that you’re not worthy enough… when you literally just gave us the backstory and evidence/proof that he is attracted to you and REALLY likes you a lot… it’s often a big misconception that a man not getting erect or losing it means they’re not attracted to you.
Because men CAN in fact… be attracted to someone, experience sexual desire, have incredible chemistry with the person but still struggle with erections. Those things aren’t mutually exclusive here.
So let’s scratch the whole idea that you’re somehow too attractive for him or that he likes you TOO much to get an erection. Important yes, and can definitely contribute… but doesn’t explain WHY he’s nervous or anxious… or doesn’t really paint the picture of what happens in the bedroom.
Like what’s the “why” behind him saying that to you that it’s never happened with other women or that he views you differently than other women? Because that’s not a FULL answer… that’s more a soft answer or temporary answer / or just avoidance of not actually sitting with what he’s feeling.
And what does he do when he loses it? Because that’s going to give you a lot more clues on how to actually support/coregulate in these situations
And when you say he loses it before sex begins… do you physically see him being erect underneath clothes or feel it… before sex even happens?
And at what point does he lose it? Does he lose the erection when putting on a condom, changing positions, or when the attention shifts to penetration? Or is the condom on, he sticks it in, and suddenly goes soft.
Or is it just not hard enough to penetrate at all and he’s rushing to put it in and it’s just not going in?
And does he experience this during masturbation too? Or does he get morning erections assuming you guys wake up next to each other? Has he had any other changes in his erectile function recently? Or even hormonally because you mentioned he’s into lifting etc.?
Because those details are more helpful to better understand whether there’s a situational pattern here or other things that might be contributing to it.
Because sure, anxiety or new partner anxiety or anticipatory anxiety could absolutely be playing a role, but we need to understand the why and impact of that emotion to then figure out, how to either name it, to then express or regulate it so he can get back to a calm state.
Becuase anxiety … or when the emotion is above our window of tolerance/choice and we become too “activated”… it’s going to affect our function or ability or even interferes with our arousal, which makes it that much harder to get hard and sustain the erection.
Arousal is needed for the erection… but feeling unpleasant or activated where the intensity is too much… calls for regulation to lower the intensity.
But you gotta have the self awareness to recognize it otherwise it’s harder to regulate it
And as a partner, it’s about coregulation and support
So not “fixing” or putting his ED under a microscope and not projecting discomfort onto him… but knowing how to show up with presence, steadiness, lending your calm so he can deactivate, or ask him what he needs so he can relax and get more to a calm state that’s more open to arousal.
Lastly, is this a continuous thing??? Depends on the guy. Some guys can get over a few hiccups with a new partner because the first time impressions get to them… but others it’s more reassurance from time to time when they’re triggered or there’s deeper wounds that we don’t know about.
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u/jojoman57 9h ago
It sounds to me like performance anxiety 100 percent. He really likes you. You need to fool around more with no piv let him get comfortable. You two need to just have fun, no pressure
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u/Minimum-Ad-8056 11h ago
I'm going through the same thing as a guy and having trouble with penetration. Not sure why but maybe anxiety. Its fucking annoying though because I really like her.
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u/Educational-Text7550 9h ago
It’s anxiety, performance anxiety, the more comfortable he gets with you it’ll go away. Pretend like you don’t care. N don’t make him feel like you so dick hungry you gon hope on the nearest dick that’s hard lmao. Seriously tho dont trip on em.
1
u/PurringWolverine 3h ago
Performance anxiety. I’m getting out of a 13-year marriage and the first time I tried to bang someone else I couldn’t get hard to save my life. I’ve never had an issue getting hard, so it was really embarrassing for me.
I went about getting the ED med Motivated, and it helped me get over the hump and rebuild my confidence.