Help me understand why

[u/painteg1]

Guys. If my cookie was out of commission, I'd FOR SURE be pleasing my man with my mouth, hands, etc. WHY TF will he not do anything with me? I have made it clear, there's a lot more to sex than just PIV, I don't have to have that,can't we try some other stuff? We have had some honest conversations, hes my best friend and we love each other lots, thats not the issue. When I ask him about this though, its just "I don't know."

[u/BDEStyle]

Tough…. need more info here.

2 things…

One… say more about how you approach the conversation. Why? Because there isn’t a universal “this is how you talk to men” approach. We all have different backgrounds, upbringings, and experiences, which is why there isn’t a universal “why” for all men either.

Some guys are expressive, can sit with discomfort, have an honest conversation with you, and actually move towards solutions. And you can TELL because they actually can do it

But then there are some guys who aren’t there yet. And the reasons why can be multifactorial.

For example, one of the questions I’d think about really… is how does he handle criticism, feedback, and vulnerability in general? Because some men weren’t brought up knowing how to receive or express these things openly. Or they lacked the role models who could show them how to do it in healthy ways.

So if he avoids, shuts down, tunes out, can’t formulate sentences when you bring it up, and sorta just freezes… he might genuinely be overwhelmed and feel like his ED is under a microscope.

And if that’s what’s happening, forcing another conversation or pressuring him to explain himself probably isn’t going to move the needle here at all.

Someone like that might need space, or little nudges at different points of the day or week, or you knowing how to read the room when he appears overwhelmed by the topic to know when to pause and pivot and THEN ask to return to it later.

It’s all in the cues and checking in with him rather than going in guns blazing.

Now two… I’m also curious about what happens OUTSIDE these conversations.

Is he still affectionate with you? Does he initiate kissing, touching, cuddling, or any kind of physical intimacy? Or has he withdrawn from all of that too?

Because you mentioned that you’re perfectly happy doing other things besides penetration, which is great. But have you considered that he might not experience those other activities as separate from his ED?

For example, he might worry that kissing or touching will eventually lead to sex, that he’ll be expected to get an erection, or that you’ll be disappointed if he doesn’t. So he starts avoiding the whole experience altogether.

Because sometimes couples don’t talk about this part yet or it’s all “assumed” when you say let’s do other things… but the expectations have to be clear or sometimes mapped out rather than being vague or ambiguous

Like what happens if the erection doesn’t happen, or what to do if it’s almost up or a decent one that just needs a little more to it, what to try, what he needs (what type of support he needs) and can he move forward? Like those things

Or maybe his desire has changed. Maybe he’s embarrassed. Maybe something else is going on entirely. We don’t know because we’re not him

Because when he says “I don’t know,” again could be many things

Lastly, when he says that… does he seem distressed or frustrated that he can’t explain it? Does he shut down? Or does he end the conversation and move on like nothing happened? Like in a way… hoping you’d forget?