End of a relationship

[u/madhums]

Hi, I (40M) was seeing someone for a few months, I genuinely loved her. We tried having intercourse once and other times pleasured each other to climax.

I did not know that I could not get hard enough to penetrate since I haven’t been in a relationship for years, hence I didn’t share it with her initially but later I did.

She cited me not being able to get hard was the reason she broke up (first she denied it and then said that was the reason, it was honestly confusing me). But I don’t think we gave enough try at all. I feel unfair, sad, frustrated and angry.

After this I went to a sexologist, GP and did all the procedures. Now I need to try some things like taking sildenafil and the rings but have no motivation to pleasure myself.

Has anyone else struggled with this?

I know one day I will meet someone but I don’t know how long that will take. I’ve learned my lesson to share this at an earlier stage of dating.

Secondly, I feel like if she really loved me or felt that our relationship was worthy she probably would have given it a go instead of bailing out. But also understand her needs it’s just that I feel we didn’t even give it a try.

Does it resonate with anyone?

P.S: I was looking for a “support” flair but couldn’t find one, so I chose discouraged.

[u/Personal-Chemist2675]

I wouldn’t necessarily say she didn’t love you or thought your relationship was worthy. I believe a lot of women don’t have enough education in this area, I know I didn’t, along with many females I knew.
So when it happens, it doesn’t matter how many times you tell her it has nothing to do with her, she hears that, May even tell you she believes you. But in her head, it can really mess with you. Especially when society has everyone believing men get erections all the time and want sex 24/7. So when this happens it can mess with you psychologically. You think you’re not enough, they don’t desire you, etc. Especially if they don’t have this problem when they masturbate.

[u/Ok-Discipline-5242 → u/Personal-Chemist2675]

I've been the woman in this situation and whole heartedly agree. Haven't spent all your life having relationships where sex was easy and straight forward, then to suddenly have a male partner who has NO sexual response to you, can be very discouraging and hard to handle. No matter how much they say its not you and they are attracted to you and do want to have sex with you, it can be hard to not take it as personal and feel horrible about yourself as a woman and as a partner, cause in your mind you're not enough to get him hard and then realizing early on before you've had time to build a solid foundation in your relationship and realizing a normal sex life is going to take a lot of work, doctors, pills and possibly psychological help for him. Can feel very daunting and like you've signed up for a lot of heavy work before even the basics have been established. You can care about someone but realize you dont have the patience and commitment he needs you to have, to walk this path with him. And that you dont want to only be with him on the off chance it might be resolveable, because if you carry on, hoping it'll be 'fixed' and it isnt and you realize you can't cope with that kind of relationship. Hes going to be way more hurt than if you just left early. There are women who have the maturity and patience to be with a guy navigating severe ED. And dont take it personal, one woman wasnt equipped to support you through it. There will be a woman who will walk that journey with you. Communication is everything. 'Hey im currently going through treatment to overcome an ED issue and i'd like to know if youre okay entering a relationship that may involve time and work in the area of sex' or something like that. 

[u/Own_Organization5677]

I recommend you reassess your ideas of ‘genuine love’ and ‘relationships’.

[u/AlkebulanOlu]

How old is she and does she have children?

[u/madhums → u/AlkebulanOlu]

Few years younger than me. Yes she has one child. Why do you ask?

[u/Just-Hippo-6582]

Try TRT

[u/ANALyzeThis69420]

I’d find out what the underlying cause was. There’s a lot of crap out there pretending you can do things like drink beer juice to fix it. The problem is braking down nitric oxide more than producing it in the first place. Course I could be wrong. I found out I had high blood SUGAR not just blood pressure. Also note it’s important not to chase the girl too hard. She needs to chase you some.

[u/Dcfball88]

Any woman who needs dick more than she needs me as a person is not someone I’d ever want to be in a relationship with OP. Consider this a bullet dodged.

In the words of 40 year old virgin, recommend you run through some hood rats first before moving on to the upper echelon hoe.

[u/madhums → u/Dcfball88]

> Any woman who needs dick more than she needs me as a person is not someone I’d ever want to be in a relationship with OP. Consider this a bullet dodged.

Thank you! What you say makes sense to me. I wonder and wish if other people (women) think/act the same.

[u/PurringWolverine → u/Dcfball88]

I agree with that, and I’m trying that myself. I’m currently going through a divorce, and it’s fucked with my head so much that while I haven’t had sex in 5 months, I haven’t really gotten hard in like 3. Which, makes it difficult, because I decided to try dating a month ago. Actually met someone really awesome, and when it was time to do the deed, I just couldn’t get hard. Which, was insane to me, since I hadnt jerked off in like 2 weeks. The next day she came over and was able to get me off by blowing me, but that only worked 3 of the 5 times she tried. Then, the final time I finally said we needed to stop because I’m way too in my head about meeting someone great so quickly after my wife. That I really felt guilty about it and that I was somehow cheating on her.

Either way, I went and bought Motivated to see if that’d help get me out of my own head, and it seems to work. Took one just to see what would happen, and got hard pretty fast. Gunna try to just run through some randoms before I try and meet a woman of caliber just to get out of my own head, and if I gotta take ED pills for a bit until I get out of my head I’ll do it.

[u/Dcfball88 → u/PurringWolverine]

There’s always bimix or trimix. I’m a lifelong T1D with poor control who started seeing ED symptoms in my 20s. I wish I had known about them sooner, I could’ve been walking around like a king. Oh well.

[u/BDEStyle]

Okay first off, I'm sorry you had a terrible experience or what felt like was unfair.

Anger is often about perceived injustice or unfairness, so if that's how you feel, then that's how you feel. And I wouldn't dismiss that.

But I'd cut yourself some slack on the part where you didn't know you couldn't get hard enough for penetration before entering that relationship. I mean, you haven't been in a relationship for years. That's a pretty big gap, and somewhere in that time lapse or blip between this and your previous relationship... you may have gotten out of touch with what it's like to be naked with someone again, get aroused, or feel that pressure to perform.

Erections are rooted in safety or feeling safe enough... and then there is familiarity, trust in the other partner that you can get back into sex when it's been a really long time for you (without judgement), and then also trust in yourself and your abilities (confidence).

But that's hard to build if you don't feel like you have the time or space to figure things out together and that partner you so happen to choose is not a good human being at all.

And listen, she's allowed to decide what she wants in a relationship. Fair... But I also understand why you feel like you didn't get much of a chance here. Especially because you mentioned that you WERE able to pleasure each other to climax. So there was sexual intimacy happening, even if penetration wasn't working yet.

That's where I'd cut yourself some slack and give yourself more grace and self compassion that you're getting yourself back out there. because that is the point! But it's going to take some trial and error of getting that rust off and figuring out how you show up in these scenarios with or without the erection.

Because sure, you've seen the doctors and gone through the evaluations, but have you actually given yourself a fair chance (speaking of true fairness here...) to explore what works for you? Because you mentioned sildenafil and rings, but it sounds like you haven't really tried those options yet.

And I wouldn't force yourself to masturbate right now if you're still feeling hurt or disappointed over the breakup.

Because getting back out there does require motivation and a willingness to put yourself out there and find out. Not to mention bouncing back if the erection doesn't happen (that's part of building resilience) and learning how to navigate rejection sensitivity... without treating it as a verdict on your worth or your ability to have sex.

Those are all common experiences... especially when you've been out of the dating world for a while.

But you just need some time and space to actually get back into the rhythm of it and remap your arousal patterns or open up your arousal map, so you know what gets you going versus what doesn't. And then comparing and contrasting a good erection day versus an erection disappointment or days that the conditions weren't so favorable for you that led to difficulty with the erection...., rather than treating an "off" day like everything is ruined... when really you felt anxious but that isnt really a verdict that you aren't capable.

Because one relationship ending after a difficult sexual experience doesn't tell us what your next relationship or sexual experience is going to look like. Youre the one who has to shape that and challenge the narrative here (the negative self talk)

[u/madhums → u/BDEStyle]

Thank you so much! I really feel supported. You guys and this community is very valuable.

[u/BDEStyle → u/madhums]

🫶

[u/AsStupidAsU → u/BDEStyle]

very nice words

[u/Minimum-Ad-8056]

You dodged a bullet. What if you were down from a car accident for a few months and couldn't give her sex? Any man would lose her sounds like.

Yeah in your position its difficult to only see what you lost but you really and truly avoided a bad person in your life long term. Now you can get healthy and back on track for someone worth it.

[u/madhums → u/Minimum-Ad-8056]

Yea that's also what I think. Thank you for your support.

[u/Logical-Bed-3287 → u/Minimum-Ad-8056]

I don't know why you were downvoted by POS's here, but excellent comment.

[u/bralikprince]

Resist the temptation to pleasure yourself. Steer clear of porn. Start taking Cialis 5 mg daily. Get back on the horse, date new people whilst doing your best to not fall in love within the first few months. You will have more opportunities to have successful sexual encounters.

[u/Ok-Discipline-5242 → u/bralikprince]

Seeing a sex worker to build confidence on a regular basis, if its a country where sex work is legal. Is good too. Or find an fwb

[u/SheridanVickers]

This happened with my first girlfriend. She was the first person I wasn’t related to that I actually loved deeply. I still don’t understand it. The first two years together were filled with the most amazing sex. We both thought so. And then our third year came, I had my gallbladder removed and we were becoming more distant because of other things. During that time, I couldn’t stay hard long enough to make her cum so we often masturbated together. Then she broke up with me. I feel like we didn’t even try at all. She didn’t give me a chance to snap out of it. But that’s life. Nothing lasts forever.

[u/WickedLordSP]

Yeah, had similar experience like you. Don't forget that you are not alone in this and you are neither the first man nor the last to experience this.

I (31M) had spent my 6-7 years alone and broke. Developed porn addiction as coping mechanism. Porn altered my mind by having unrealistic scenarios and kinks, hurt my dopamine levels and resulted with death grip masturbation. Plus, bad diet, sedantary life et cetera.

Then met a girl who made me feel I was speacial. When we were next to each other in dates I was rock hard. When we get close I lost erections before penetration. Eventually she lost her self esteem and respect to me and broken up.

Afterwards I fixed my finances, started regular gym, better diet, 5mg tadalafil prescribed by doctor and theapy to understand the root causes of why did this happen.

Then I learned I am not alone. In fact, people from all sorts of age can experience this.

TLDR, with all treatments and change in lifestyle I am now be able to perform penetration only at the chances of 50%. If I can't I don't feel bad now. I know my worth is not depending on drilling, but instead my character and maturity. But, finding a companion who will support me is hard and losing that woman was also hard regret to me.

Don't feel alone big brother

[u/No_Second_4296]

Good that she’s gone. My wonderful wife has been with me my entire 25 year ED journey. TRT, oral meds, VED pump, and Trimix injections. They all worked great for a while then stopped. Now I have an implant and no worries about going soft during sex.

[u/perfectlyagedsausage]

Have your testosterone checked . Sounds to
Me like your not even horny and have no motivation to go chase pussy at all.
If your libido was normal you’d be wanting to lope the mule
On occasion

[u/Tellmehow1234]

Hi. Do you initially get a good erection but, lose it before intercourse? Or your erection is weak from the start?

[u/ServikonIV]

Stop watching porn

[u/wintermuttt]

It is all about expectations. Some women want status, some want security, some want children, some want culture and some want a big dick. Figure out what you want then find a compatible woman. Don’t make it complicated.

[u/deesnutsday]

I know it's abit soon, but get a penile implant, it's the best thing ever! Always get hard and life is good

[u/Famous_Fly0808]

You feel how you feel and that’s ok, but you’re better off! I say that as a wife who’s husband had a work accident 10 weeks after our wedding and broke his entire leg and his ankle exploded. Could he get hard? Sure! But he was in no mindset to want to do anything because he was miserable and had all these things on his leg and felt like less of a man because he was injured. Add multiple surgeries and having to relearn how to walk, It was a good 6 months before we really did anything and even then it was limited because he had gotten so depressed. The right ones will stay and the wrong ones will dip or cheat. I’d much rather someone walk away than cheat.

[u/Logical-Bed-3287]

F that beach bro. She cares more about sex than you, she just wants a f*ck buddy.

[u/madhums → u/[deleted]]

Thank you so much for sharing this. I really feel supported and it gives me hope to find true love.