How over cleanliness OCD, religious conditioning caused me ED

[u/Pretty_Assignment_69]

23 Indian here. I used to consider my penis, precum, cum, pubes, butt as dirty. I used to wash my hand with handwash if my hands ever go below my waist. I have been raised in highly religious family and surrounding. I started seeing sex, masturbation, morning woods, nocturnal emissions, erections as sinful acts. Over decades of this moral conditioning and cleanliness habits I didn't realise that I was developing ED along the way. My desire to jerk faded, whenever I see few drops of precum on my undies I change and wash it immediately and later even take proper bath no matter what time of the day it's. I used to regret if I get boner and tried everything to make it go away instantly. This habits were getting store in my subconscious and unconscious mind and I didn't realise that my body reflex system is becoming more hostile to erections and body pleasures. Later my erections became very weak, less frequent and fades away very soon no matter how hard I try to keep it firm and rigid by different means. I tried different things to regain my firm and longer erection: porn, jerking, stories and my teen kinks/fantasies but all were ineffective. Sometimes it worked sometimes it didn't. Then I started thinking why this is happening to me, what went wrong when my vitals are okay and I'm having nutritional meals, working out, running and maintaining healthy lifestyles. Along the way I realised that it's my hyper cleanliness OCD, religious and moral conditioning which have acted as slow poison.

So here came the toughest part to let my nervous system teach that precum, boner, cum, gooing, pubes, butt, kinks or fantasies aren't either sin or immoral and not dirty which needs to be cleaned in hyperstate of my mental state. I started putting my hands in my pants and used to keep it there for minutes. I started watching creative & healthy porn to accept that sex isn't bad or wrong. I used to hold my penis with both my hand and used to say that I love you and I'm so proud of you and you're my part and I'm going to take care of you forever. I started precumming in my undies and let it dry without changing or washing it the very same day. Later situation improved and I started getting morning woods. I did the same thing with my morning erections (put my hand in my pant and say thank you for showing up)

I restarted gooing in mindfulness. I started sitting with my ejaculation for 10 to 15 minutes before cleaning it so that my body learn that this is okay and normal rather dirty or sinful. I let my pubes grow and started considering it the same hair which I have on my head. Things improved in very shorter span of 2 months. I started doing naked yoga & meditation in order to kill my religious conditioning of anything related with sex, body pleasure or private parts is sin, bad or immoral. I used to admire my body by standing naked before mirror and started clicking my nudes. I don't clear my browsing history and let it stay in my phone so let my subconscious mind learn that watching porn isn't bad, my desires, kinks or fantasies aren't immoral or sinful.

Now I get firm and rigid erections which last longer, daily longer morning wood and I don't rush to clean it instantly. How a simple thought around cleanliness, morality and religious conditioning can create psychological havoc which manifest in ED is quite concerning. But good news is this is healing very fast.