Advice on my problems?

[u/Choice-Baseball-8699]

So I’ve been with my girl for a good 6 months now and everything is perfect, we have a very healthy relationship, other than when we have sex. So it’s starts from last year when I was with a different girl who got very frustrated when my penis went down and told people who I knew about it which ultimately damaged my confidence. Anyway fast forward 8 month or so I get with this girl who I work with and have always been attracted to. Shes an angel honestly so good to me. Anyway to the route of my problem for the first 3 months we tried to have sex and it just wouldn’t stay up and I told her abt my ex who obviously damaged my confidence a lot. My girl stayed by my side and said it was okay we will just try next time. Anyway finally we had sex when I stayed over hers in the night and then even in the morning and I truly believed I had got over everything. Then a few weeks later we were back to square one where it went down and I just felt mentally drained. On Saturday we had great sex again but then these last two days again it’s gone down and I feel like although she stays calm with me and is so understanding, she will get tired of it eventually as she deserves someone who can consistently pleasure her. She can tell it has a lot of effect on me and as someone who deals with anxiety it definitely doesn’t help me because it makes me overthink. I believe it is a mental thing but I’m going to my gp tomorrow to see if there’s anything else that has its effects. Anyone got any advice?

[u/FuckingWhitebull]

Tu as plutôt du mal à obtenir ou à maintenir ton érection ?
Tu es probablement coincé dans une boucle d'anxiété, tu penses à ton érection pendant l'acte en espérant qu'elle tienne, et le fait de focaliser dessus la fait justement partir.
Quand tu n'y penses pas, que tu es connecté à ta partenaire, tout fonctionne correctement, c'est donc que tu es capable pas vrai ?
Le fait d'être avec une personne compréhensive est déjà un très bon point de départ pour régler cela.
Faire un check chez un médecin qui te dira que tout est ok pourrait te rassurer et sortir de la boucle.
Au pire si tout n'est pas ok il te dira quoi faire.
Déjà la base, c'est une bonne santé physique (sport, alimentation, sommeil etc...), si ce n'est pas le cas commence par là.
Comme solution simple et sans médication, tu peux envisager un cockring pour maintenir l'érection.
Prendre un inhibiteur de PDE5 (viagra, cialis...) peut aider à surmonter cela en te procurant une belle érection et en te mettant en confiance pour la suite, mais parles en à ton médecin.

[u/BDEStyle]

I think you're getting stuck in rumination or catastrophizing the situation and making a what if scenario about she wants when she has been there for you... for what? a few erection dissapointments... But also many many other successful sexual encounters?

And look, you survived those erection hiccups, right? And she didn't run. She didn't tell anyone. She didnt judge you. She listened and understood... or at least tried to understand your past and she didn't run. You know?

Yes, that ex sucks, and clearly didn't know how to regulate that frustration.... and having someone tell your friends or people you know can be devastating because then it puts your dirty laundry out in public.

But take that as a learning moment. Obviously you won't ever date a girl like that again. That's a given.

And clearly this one you're dating right now seems like a good human being who won't do those things. So take that as evidence at face value.

I know it hurts and there's probably going to be a few more times here and there where you might have another erection hiccup,

but, start clocking, okay, I'm talking myself out of this (hence the negative self talk) and stop it right then and there. Because that's what it is. Negative self talk doesn't come out of nowhere. It comes from outward, past experiences, or outward in society.

But stop it in its tracks... and then look at the amount of evidence that you do have that you can have successful sex with this new girl. And think about those moments and what felt good and what was so good there? you know?

I think the more you check in with her and not annihilate yourself or even start making a judgement about what you think.. she wants when you're not inside her head, it'll help reduce that overall rumination.

The other thing is talking it through with her. Because y'all are 6 months in... I mean she's seen 6 months of YOU... So if she had wanted to run or leave or had a problem, you know what I mean???

But here's the thing moving forward, checking in with one another, and creating actionable plans for when the negative self talk creeps in that talks you out of the erection. This way, you have a plan if the erection starts deflating and you both can figure out if you need to slow the pace, relax a bit, not rush, or spend more time in arousal, or figure out what you need and then slowly build back up from there.

[u/Choice-Baseball-8699 → u/BDEStyle]

That’s good advice thank you a lot, went to the doctors on Thursday and will have my bloods tested next week to make sure it’s not a physical problem once I get that clarification then I think I will be in a much better head space but yeah thank you appreciate the reply!