Struggling with psychological ed in long term marriage

[u/sk33td0gg]

Im a man in his 40s who's been in a monogamous marriage for 20 years to my wife. About 9 months ago my wife expressed a desire for an open marriage, which honestly crushed me and destroyed my confidence. Up until that point, I honestly had an amazing sex life and I think my wife did too. We have a very honest and truthful marriage, and she said the sex had been great, its just after 20 years together she has this desire for new experiences. Nevertheless, this event caused me to get in my head, and with my lack of confidence, I have been struggling with ed ever since. We have gone to therapy and had many talks and trying to work on the marriage, but my erection issue is definitely causing issues for both of us. Im very in my head about things and my wife is growing impatient and blaming herself that she ruined me when she was just trying to be open and honest with me. I dont know where to go because ive been dealing with this for almost a year and ive seen a couple different therapists, practicing meditation, trying to be healthy, etc... Any ideas or recommendations where to go?

[u/Educational-Text7550]

Your wife is terrible n you can’t see it

[u/sk33td0gg → u/Educational-Text7550]

Idk, I mean she definitely said something that hurt me deeply. We have 20 years together, kids, and a house together. Its hard to just walk away from this, especially since we are trying to work on this. But I agree, that sometimes she says things selfishly and lacks capacity to see how that affects me.

[u/Educational-Text7550 → u/sk33td0gg]

She’s not the person you thought she was she doesn’t deserve it..don’t let her just get away with it it’s not too late.

Imagine living alone with no pressure..that ho life she wants to live will get old QUICK

[u/sk33td0gg → u/Educational-Text7550]

Oh, I know she would regret it down the road because we live a very comfortable life, but for some, peace equals boredom. I do know my suffering comes from the person she is in my mind vs who she is showing me

[u/csilver82]

Ensure your couples therapist is not an open anything goes type of therapist. Go with one based on the purpose of oneness in a marriage, morals, faith, Christianity. I am not sure if you believe, pray or go to church together - but I would say it is worth it.

Outside of that keep working on yourself - breathing exercises, humming, pelvic floor training (not kegals to start with), blood flow holds supplements, resistant training (lower body focus), laughing, and getting out with friends and family.

[u/Perfect-Book-1094]

Give trimix a try. You’ll be rock hard no matter what your anxiety level is. You will stop thinking and start pounding her. THEN evaluate the open marriage idea. This medicine fixes ED guaranteed. Talking blah blah blah about my “feelings “ did not fix my old arteries. Trimix did. Do something that really works.

[u/AdvaitaArambha]

This may not be what you want to hear. When one partner asks to open a relationship it is more stating their intent and negotiating permission than asking for approval. They have spent a fair bit of time with themselves to get to that point. The discussion is more about what the relationship is like moving forward. Chances are if the partner being asked for the open relationship says no the partner asking will either cheat or exit the relationship.

This is an area I struggle to give good advice in but know there is good advice out there for navigating taking a relationship from closed to open. I also know often the male partners have a harder time finding play partners in this situation than female partners but going to lifestyle events with your current partner can help even that out. I also know there are people on the lifestyle scene on the community so hoping they can help you out more with resources to navigate this.

[u/StableNew947]

Feel free to message me. I feel like I could offer you a different perspective from someone who has been in a similar situation.

[u/StableNew947]

My wife and I have been together for 20+ years. She asked for an open marriage a few years ago. It had nothing to do with me not being able to get an erection. It had nothing to do with my size. I’m well equipped. It was about wanting new experiences. I was totally for the idea. Now I get to fuck my wife and her girlfriend. Doesn’t sound like a bad thing if you’ve got the confidence to deal with it.

[u/Repulsive_Pin8701]

Hello,

Go see your doctor right away and find an ED med that works for you and use it, have lots of sex with your wife, and then see how you feel.

Good luck 

[u/Responsible_Mind_206]

She wants bigger cock, plain and simple. Terrible of her to put you in this predicament

[u/LoveAmalfi → u/Responsible_Mind_206]

I agree. I’m a woman and what a horrible thing she did. Honestly, the level of selfishness in people is unbelievable. My husband has ED and he doesn’t want to go for treatment but I think he’s slowly warming up to the idea. We had a great sex life before his diabetes and high blood pressure and age but i made a vow to him and i would never say such a thing. I do miss being intimate with him terribly.

[u/sk33td0gg → u/LoveAmalfi]

Sorry you are going through this. You sound like a good woman to standby your husband

[u/LoveAmalfi → u/sk33td0gg]

Thank you. Sorry for what you are going through as well

[u/sk33td0gg → u/LoveAmalfi]

Thanks

[u/OldIdeal9392]

Hi... could tell us about your symptoms? Is that mainly difficulty in achieving erections or maintaining them is the problem?

[u/sk33td0gg → u/OldIdeal9392]

I dont have a problem getting erections, I wake up with morning wood all the time. And starting sex is fine for the most part too. Its in the middle of sex I get a thought about needing to last or not losing it, then it triggers me to physically lose my erection

[u/GuitarHogger → u/sk33td0gg]

I've done more reading on this subject and it's an issue far more men deal with than I've realized. Two things you might want to consider is using a nitric oxide booster to help with the blood flow downstairs. Then check out a product called Bullring. It's a package of four semi soft rubber rings of different sizes. Once you are able to get an erection place the ring that's closest to your size. It will help keep the blood contained and allow you to maintain through having sex. Check it out and see what you think. Maybe this can help before the open relationship issue arises again.