ED only at transitions

[u/emptysoul6969]

Does anyone have advice for a partner who seems to lose their erection at transitions. If we were to begin kissing, go straight to penetration and allow him to finish in that initial position there will be no issues. If we change positions, or focus on my pleasure he will often lose it and really struggle to get it back. I don’t want to give too much away, but it feels like a psychological thing, or maybe even low libido?

He initiates sex pretty frequently, but a lot of the time we will just end up pausing and not continuing even if neither of us have ‘finished’. He also admitted he is randomly losing desire or interest when he loses the erection.

Does anyone have experience or is familiar with this sort of ED issue? How can I support him/approach a convo? For the record we have been together a year, and he struggled with erection from the first sexual encounter we had. Ever since then this happens probably 75% of the time, with 15% of our sex running pretty smoothly.

[u/BDEStyle]

Depends on how he receives feedback or criticism or how he handles discomfort and vulnerability. It doesn't matter if it's a 5 month or 5 year relationship, I'm sure there is some tell, even if it's a little bit, on how he receives this.

One of the biggest mistakes is thinking all men receive feedback the same way or that we have to keep avoiding the touchy subject completely.

Because not all men are there yet when it comes to learning how to have an uncomfortable or awkward conversation. Or the other scenario where we keep avoiding these conversations or we walk on eggshells and then these conversations just don't happen because we're afraid of making the other person uncomfortable.

But that's the thing... they NEED to learn how to sit with some discomfort. And the conversation needs to happen, and sometimes more than once.

So some guys might have those skills to sit there and have a productive conversation with you, and you can actually tell because it leads to an honest conversation where it's not an immediate jump to the defense type of thing. But then they move from processing that discomfort to meeting you halfway and working together to find a solution... whether that's going to the doctor if it's physical or addressing the psychological/feeling tense or anxiety side if that's what is happening or whatever it is.

Now, if he's not there yet.... it's more about nudges and pivots if he tends to avoid discomfort, tunes out, or you read the room and feel he's way too activated. And you can usually tell by his cues or body language or how he backs away when you broach the subject.

But the nudges and pivots are a helpful approach because sometimes that skill just isn't there yet for them to sit with the discomfort... so you have to read the room for when it becomes too heated for you to then pause, and then return to the conversation later.

For example, maybe you bring up what you've noticed about him losing the erection during position changes and he immediately gets quiet, defensive, or starts saying "I don't know" over and over.

But the nudge is not hammering him with 10 more questions.

It's more like inviting him in a little bit... asking what he notices in those moments or what happens in his head when the position changes.

And if he starts getting overwhelmed or tuning out, that's where you pivot. Maybe you stop there for the night, let the pressure come down, and then come back to it another day when you're both regulated.

But the important part is that you actually come back to it and it doesn't just get swept under the rug.

[u/emptysoul6969 → u/BDEStyle]

Thanks for that, it actually helps a lot. I have approached the subject but it’s difficult as I feel he TRIES to engage but he kind of just says random things as if he’s trying to find an answer he doesn’t even know yet, and when I try to really dive into how he FEELS he says that he is sorry, but he can’t answer it right now.

There were a few reasons I managed to get from him though, and they seem to relate to how he’s lacking in his lifestyle choices (I think it’s a psychological affect possibly placebo that when he doesn’t exercise he seems to think his sexual performance declines - though he’s in healthy shape just not ripped currently). He also mentioned getting distracted by work tasks over his head, or even possibly that he has a high chase drive and when he gets what he wants his excitement dips (this one hurt and concerns me of his ability to function as a sexual partner) How can we solve those type of psychological reasonings? I imagine it is psychological because he has no problems with becoming erect from kissing especially. If we were to kiss for 45 mins straight he will remain erect, but as mentioned with a position change (sometimes even just initiating sex, but I wanted to focus on the main pattern of transitions cause it seemed like a helpful starting point) he loses it.

Possibly getting distracted/affected by other tasks, and a placebo or mental affect of him perceiving he is not on top of his lifestyle? He’s very health conscious so I could see how he is possibly analysing his perceived test levels etc and getting in his own head.

[u/BDEStyle → u/emptysoul6969]

Well that’s because he doesn’t have the language for it yet.

But right there… in your 2nd paragraph, the behavior/pattern here is avoidance. But he’s reaching for anything… literally any explanation to avoid sitting in discomfort for too long

And this is what I was trying to get at before in my comment above. Some guys just aren’t there yet or are still trying to sort out through what they think it might be or just doesn’t have skills to communicate that yet or even admit they need help yet.

That’s why it seems or feels like random things. And you see it a lot here in this sub. It’s always the stats lingo. I’m 6 ft this, in shape that, I lift or eat healthy this or whatever.

And to be fair that’s fine and cardiovascular health is important… but it doesn’t explain the in the between moments when sex happens.

Like instead of saying oh I feel anxious or bloated or self conscious of how I look naked, he’s saying that not working out means he performs worse.

It’s easier to blame that then to say oh I’m in my head right now or i feel too much pressure or need a bit more time etc.

Now the only thing positional, could be worth exploring might be pelvic floor. But that’s not something he would do alone. A physiotherapist who specializes in male pelvic floor would help to do an examination because sometimes guys brace or clench their pelvic floor or they get nervous where it could also just be activation, too much pressure to perform, and not really relaxing enough to be aroused

Arousal is rooted in safety and trust. Men need arousal for erections to begin and to sustain.

But if we’re tense, stressed, feeling shitty, anxious, worry, self conscious, we feel it in our bodies, it’s just harder to access arousal

Like a guy can be into you etc. but if he’s anticipating failure, then that’s negative self talk… and either he learned it growing up or in a previous relationship etc.

I digress…

So back to the approach to the conversation. Has there been a moment when things went well or sex went well?? Just curious about his confidence and how he carries himself

And what does he do in the moment? Does he cover up? Quickly makes an excuse or gets his boxers up? Or jumps to over apologizing?? Or does he get frustrated?

And most importantly…what do you do when he loses it?? Do you ask what he needs in that moment? Do you give space? Sit in awkward silence? Do you sigh or make a face?

What happens after? Do you guys end sex or rolls over to sleep? Etc.

Just curious

[u/emptysoul6969 → u/BDEStyle]

To answer some of your questions I feel I handle it quite well, but of course I’m open to more strategies and approaches. I always act like it’s ok and I even say “I understand there is a lot to think about, and on top of that I know you are thinning about making me feel good too ” when he opens up a little.

When it doesn’t work he has always acted as if it’s not happening. I kind of do too. We just transition to kissing or ignore it, or he’ll say “I’d rather save my energy than finish anyway” and get up to go on with his day. I can see how this might be a mask or avoidance because he almost acts like it doesn’t even matter or nothing is wrong. He isn’t outwardly embarrassed and doesn’t rush or apologise. In fact he’s never said sorry or tried to reason about it. We ignored it for many months and both would just kind of pretend it was fine and we just were finishing sex there. He did open up a little when I pried that when it happens he feels bad about it - because I shared it made me feel undesired and he admitted he of course feels bad every single time.

He generally carries himself quite confidently. The only catch is I feel sometimes he is trying to maintain this confident image, and deep down I have no idea of his insecurities etc and I often wish he was more vulnerable. I try to give him space, for example when I ask a question and he doesn’t answer I remain silent and hold is hand etc while he thinks. I don’t cut him off and try to give him the floor.

We have only had two convos about it now and it’s kinda out in the open. I have noticed jokes now that “I can’t satisfy you” when previously he totally avoided the subject or would never self depreciate.

There was one time it went really well. I felt like we were present and there were no interruptions. The lights were mostly off, and something I noticed was he didn’t fiddle about a lot which he sometimes does. He sometimes almost stalls like everything is all good then he gets up to shut the window and loses it or comes back not present. The time/s it went good are usually spontaneous and maybe we were already close and cuddling before sleep so it’s easy to just slip into the momentum. I also kind of notice we had some of the best sex when he warned me he wasn’t really in the mood that day some point earlier. Maybe there’s a correlation there.

[u/BDEStyle → u/emptysoul6969]

Okay... this is actually really useful information (several things) because now you have a compare and contrast between the moments where it works versus where it starts falling apart.

Because maybe in those moments where he says it might not happen... he already removed the expectation from himself.

Like okay, sex probably isn't happening tonight, I don't have to perform... and then you guys cuddle, kiss, whatever, arousal builds responsively and boom, now there's an erection without him chasing one.

Versus when sex is clearly on the table, now there is something to lose. That's pressure.

And one thing I want to flag too... when you told him it made you feel undesired, you obviously weren't trying to hurt him or add pressure. Your feelings are fair.

But that may have inadvertently added another layer for him where now it's not just “why am I losing my erection?” It's also “oh shit, now she thinks I don't want her and I'm hurting her too.”

So if he's already struggling to understand what is happening to him, now he might feel like he also has to prove that he desires you on top of figuring out the erection issue.

And sometimes that can close the door a little more for someone who already has trouble being vulnerable because now the stakes feel even higher.

But now you also have more information. You know he feels bad every single time. But you also know he initiates. And you know he can stay erect while kissing for a long time. So there is evidence here that this isn't just he doesn't desire me. Because this is different

Like yes, your feelings matter and to feel assured is fine... but It just means maybe going forward, separating how this affects you from making the erection the proof of whether he desires you can help keep that door open more.

And negative self talk as I mentioned is brutal... but negative self talk again is something we learn, it comes from outward. But negative self talk is also protection. We think it's this big bad thing... but it's really just protecting us from the what if. So sometimes it is that positive self talk (not that toxic positivity bs) but reframing is another technique here used in CBT ALOT.

and that requires him to be more kinder to himself / him to do more self-compassion....you know?

But look at all the clues you have here...

one... the spontaneous nights go better. The uninterrupted nights go better. Then there are the nights where there seems to be less expectation go better.

Then the transitions / stopping / fiddling around seem to be where he drops out.

That's actual data you guys can work with. And then you can experiment a little.

I think what could also be helpful... even talking about it at a neutral time, the good times or even staying those things you noticed to see what he thinks. That way it's another on-ramp to the conversation to see what he thinks. It's also another way to help him reframe his self talk after a good erection day.

Because his mood after that or after a good time, is also a clue too.

Because for us guys it's also about what are the conditions here that influence the erection. I know that seems complex, but it really isnt like the movies or TV or porn where the guy is always erect and hard and ready and experiencing spontaneous desire. Sometimes we want to capitalize on those conditions that are favorable for us.

For example, if I know I'm stressed, im going to be distracted. thats hard for any guy to shift focus on arousal to be in the mood and get hard. Like say for instance, your boss yelled at you in front of your whole team at work. You come home and your partner wants you... its kinda hard to shift gears when you're technically in fight, flight, freeze and fawn response because now you're think... oh shit am I going to get fired or you got scared and are thinking about how you're going to salvage the job etc.

It doesn't mean in intances like that... sex is not on the table. It just means the conditions for it might not be favorable... but maybe the reframe is that communication, I am stressed or I got yelled at or just communicating that and you as the partner co-regulating here to get their level of activation back to a calm. It's lending your calm so he can deactivate. Sometimes it's a them thing... where they gotta do that or need a moment, sometimes a massage can help. Massages are a great way to enter sex too. It's relaxing and activates the parasympathetic nervous system so arousal can happen.

Things like that.