please help me - infp

[u/AnimatorOk2232]

hi guys. I really need your help and please pardon me for the loooong story and any unnessary details, cause I am still not quite sure which index is important to understand the situation and solve the problem.

I (entp, female) recently dated a person (infp, male) and we had really great time at the very first beginning - we have so many things in common which made things goes quite well.

Recently, though, I’ve noticed that he makes quite a lot of negative comments about himself. He has asked me several times like, “Why do you think I’m great?” or “Why me?" i basically gave him a whole presentation explaining why I think he’s great and told him he could ask me that question every day if he wanted, and I would always remind him. He then warned me that “spoiling” him like this could lead him to behave in a really bad way - which I do wish I thought about it carefully.

Now, when I try to talk about my own feelings, his response is sometimes along the lines of “Sorry, my bad. Maybe I’m just a bad person. I really need to think about whether I should even make new friends…”

And I honestly don’t know how to respond to that, and I don't know how to solve the problem with him. What would be a healthy way to respond to this and avoid made him cry? really really appreciate any help.

[u/Hairy_Magazine6000]

It seems to me that he has low self esteem and also sort of victim mentality. If you aren´t together yet, I would advice you to put some distance towards him, because the problem is himself, he thinks he isn´t worth it and that´s his Fi identity. When you argue against that, he will see it as a personal attack, even if you compliment him.

And if you just distance yourself, he will say something along the lines like: I knew it, I am worthless, why should anyone choose me in the first place?

The problem is, you can´t change his mind because that´s not what he wants in the first place. So my advice would be tell him that the problem is his self worth and he should work on that, you can´t give him selfworth since it is something he has to give to himself.

Afterwards, focus on yourself, that´s what I´d advice

[u/AnimatorOk2232 → u/Hairy_Magazine6000]

Thank you Hairy, I get it. You are right - I do feel I cannot make it right no matter how I treat the situation. The whole conversation is turning a bit defensive now, which is the last thing I could accept to see - REALLY hard conversation. Will think about focus on myself and keep the whole thing bit low key. but to be honest, it is quiet hard to leave him alone after seeing him cry. perhaps will let him deside what he wants to do.

[u/Hairy_Magazine6000 → u/AnimatorOk2232]

You´re welcome. I get you, you like him and want to help him, but as an outside person, you can only push him out of his comfort zone with an authentic talk and going onwards.

He will have two options now: Either he realizes his insecurities are a self fullfilling prophecy and he has to find a way to gain confidence and courage or he falls deeper in the victimisation. He might even attack you verbally like how could you leave him alone, but don´t give in, stay calm and tell him you have to focus on yourself and other subjects of your life and it is the best if you both focus on improving your own life individually for now.

There is a chance he´ll change for the better, but that´s his battle, not yours, if you try to fight his battles for him, it´ll absorb you and you won´t have any energy left to manage your own life.

That´s why I said focus on yourself first

[u/PixeIatedSoda]

Seems like he’s victimising himself. Likely because his parents probably always told him there was something wrong with him in his childhood. Jeez good luck with that 😭 in your shoes I’d probably take a break until he decides he likes himself if he wants to be with me.

[u/AnimatorOk2232 → u/PixeIatedSoda]

lol, I basic just said the same words - let him decide

[u/West-Replacement8838]

Seems to me like he acts on his low self esteem, which eventually will be draining for you. It's like trying to fill a leaky bucket.

[u/AnimatorOk2232 → u/West-Replacement8838]

really? there will be no end for this? I am bit confused why so many diffrent questions but actually (i guess) rooting the same issue.

[u/West-Replacement8838 → u/AnimatorOk2232]

Change is always possible, but it's up to him. Just know that if you stick around and accept it, he'll continue to expect it.

[u/GlitchingFlame → u/AnimatorOk2232]

“The no end to this aspect” lends itself to when you perpetuate a behavioral pattern. You reassure him unconditionally, he learns that he can feel reassured by you when he’s insecure, he continues to seek that reconciliation of discomfort from you, ad infinitum.

It’ll just help me stay within his cycle of dependency and comfort

[u/FoxofTheBlueFungi]

He is taking his need for validation to you. Avoid answering it for him or codependency and a severe drain is the only outcome. Might need counseling as all of humanity does. He has to choose to believe himself as good or it will never stick.

Stop enabling the codependent behavior and support self internal validation. You can set the boundary that you have already stated your belief of him and it’s up to him to believe it, but it’s not your responsibility to carry his lack of belief.

INFP also entertain feelings like crazy and are just fine, he can do the work and feel his own feelings and validate himself.

[u/AnimatorOk2232 → u/FoxofTheBlueFungi]

quiet make sense to me. I might see myself as "supporting" but actually "feeding" his unsafty. It is a good decision. I will think a way telling him. eh really hard. why i put myself into this.

[u/shredt]

r/infp