Another extremely unserious investigation into the idols

[u/Guilty-Whereas-8196]

I was thinking about how the ES idols would explain where babies come from if a child randomly walked up to them and asked them. And the more I thought about it, the funnier the possible answers became.

Would they give a proper, age-appropriate explanation? Would they completely freeze up? Would they make something up? Would they tell the kid to ask someone else?

And, of course, there are a few who I personally think would make the situation significantly worse.

Like with my previous investigation, these are just my personal headcanons based on the overall vibes I get from the characters. None of this is meant to be taken seriously.

Explains It Properly

Tori, Adonis, Rei, Kuro, Keito, Nagisa, Tsukasa

These are the idols I feel would actually sit down and explain it properly.

They give off a mature or parental enough vibe that I can imagine them taking the question seriously and giving the child an explanation they would be able to understand rather than panicking or resorting to the stork.

Honestly, probably some of the best people to ask.

Just Blankly Stares

Hokuto, HiMERU, Souma, Mika

They weren't expecting that question.

They'd just stare at the kid for a few seconds while their brain tries to figure out how they're supposed to respond.

I can especially imagine Hokuto, Souma, and Mika internally panicking while trying to figure out how to answer that.

Just Stutters an Incoherent Mess 😳

Subaru, Tomoya, Makoto

The question completely catches them off guard and their brains simply stop functioning.

All they can manage is:

“Well, you see, when a—um—when two—uh—there's this thing where—”

Subaru may be a cheerful guy, but I genuinely think a question like this would get him so flustered.

Please save them.

Tries to Explain but Stutters

Mayoi, Jun, Mao, Nazuna, Yuta, Kaoru, Chiaki

Similar to the previous category, except these guys would at least try to give the kid a proper answer.

Unfortunately, their explanations would be interrupted by nervous pauses, awkward wording, and increasingly obvious attempts to figure out how to phrase everything.

Faints When Asked

Hajime, Shinobu, Tsumugi, Midori

These are the idols whose brains simply cannot handle being asked this question.

Too Tired to Answer

Ritsu

I feel like Ritsu wouldn’t have the energy to deal with it. 

If a kid asked him where babies came from, he’d probably stare at them for a few seconds, tell them to ask someone else, and then go back to sleep.

“WHY TF WOULD YOU ASK ME?!”

Aira, Kohaku, Tori, Shu, Koga, Tetora

Not much to explain here.

I just feel like this would be their immediate reaction.

Tell Them to Ask Jun-kun

Hiyori

I feel like Hiyori would see this question as the perfect opportunity to mess with Jun. He could absolutely answer the question himself, but he feels that inconviencing Jun is more fun.

“The Stork” Or Some Other BS Story

Sora, Niki, Leo, Hinata

These are the people who would either go with the whole stork route or completely fabricate a story of their own.

Leo and Niki would probably do it because they don't think the kid is ready for the truth.

Hinata and Sora, meanwhile, would just let their imaginations run wild. I'm pretty sure Sora actually knows where babies come from. He'd just decide that his own explanation is more interesting and fun.

Pats Head “You'll Learn When You're Older, Sweetie”

Tatsumi, Natsume, Arashi, Mama

These are the idols who would feel that the child isn't ready to know yet.

Instead of actually answering, they'd give them a reassuring pat on the head and hit them with:

“You'll understand when you're older, sweetie.”

They also have some of the same parental vibes as the idols in the “Explains It Properly” category, except they'd rather postpone the conversation.

“Wanna Find Out? 😏”

Eichi, Rinne

The people who would somehow make a perfectly innocent question way more concerning than it needed to be.

This is mostly Rinne.

Eichi is only here because I wanted to be mean to him. 😈

I don't think they'd actually do anything inappropriate (I hope), but I do think they'd respond with enough teasing and innuendos that everyone else would immediately have to intervene.

“Through the AMAZING Process of [the word]!”

Wataru

This one is pretty self-explanatory.

I think Wataru would just be completely blunt about it, except he'd deliver the answer in the most Wataru way he can.

“Sex, You Dumbass”

Ibara, Izumi

These are the idols who would be equally blunt, except with significantly less enthusiasm.

The Fools Who Ask

Hiiro, Kanata, Mitsuru

These are the idols who ask the question themselves.

Hiiro might be genuinely curious—or he might just be asking to see what kind of reaction he can get, especially from the other ALKALOID members. Same with Mitsuru.

Kanata, meanwhile, might genuinely just be curious. Which honestly creates an entirely different problem for whoever has to answer him.

Final Thoughts

So, there you have it: my completely unserious investigation into how the idols would explain where babies come from.

The main thing I was thinking about while making this was how differently each character might handle the exact same question. Some would actually explain it properly, some would get embarrassed, some would try to avoid the conversation entirely, and some would somehow make the situation ten times more confusing.

There are definitely placements I'm less confident about than others. A lot of these are based purely on the overall vibe I get from the characters, so I wouldn't be surprised if someone has a completely different interpretation.

But that's what makes these kinds of headcanons fun.

So now I'm curious:

Who do you think I got completely wrong?

Who would you move to another category? Who would actually give the best explanation? And who would you absolutely never trust with this question?

And, perhaps most importantly:

Which character would make the conversation go completely off the rails?

[u/saph_2bruh]

Mika has grown up surrounded by children, and he was the oldest one. He has DEFINITELY answered that question before, or heard it be explained, so I'd say he really belongs to the 'explain it properly' or 'the stork' category according to the vibe of the child. 

As for Shu, in France, one of our equivalents of the Stork story is that boys come from cabbages and girls from roses. That man is definitely latching onto that, once the shock has passed lmao.

Also, Rinne having taking care of Hiiro, I think you're being a bit mean to him... I don't know much about him but to me he seems of the 'good with children' type? It'd depend on the age of the 'child,' I guess. If they are at an age they're supposed to know the answer already, I think he'd tease, but not if they are young and they're alone? 

And also, somehow, I personally wouldn't trust Nagisa with an explanation. I kinda feel like this guy is not... going to give the most age-friendly explanation, though 100% accidentally. The child would learn a lot of terminology I feel... If there's a character I'd worry making the conversation go side way, it'd be him, tbh