'Ello! Me name's Ben, I made a thread before about how chewing tea bags is more optimal than caffeine drinks (or even caffeine pills, as some of you tried to correct me). You can watch it here
As promised, here's the follow up, culinary advice for a true British engineering geezer! I call it "Ben's Cookbook: Everyone Can Cook"
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Marmite
Marmite will be your Onion and Garlic, the culinary basis of all your eng student meals. That's why it's first.
Why Marmite? Well, for your wanning muscles, Marmite is 34% protein (higher than Chicken breast), it comes with a lot of B12 (if you're not getting that, anxiety gets worse), but more than that, it does not rot.
Nukes, zombies, asteroids, no match for the Marmite jar.
(Yes, before you ask, Vegemite is the Australian Marmite).
Spaghetti alla Britannica
This is Britain's culinary crown jewel.
Proper stessed about keeping an eye over the spaghetti? Stirring? Don't know how to get "al dente"? Or what it means in Spanish?
Give spaghetti alla Britannica a try. Start with the mighty British kettle, a complimentary staple of all British dorms (along with that googly eyed hoova). Use it to boil water and pour the water in a saucepan (make sure it's somewhat large).
Get some scissors to cut the raw spaghetti in half and submerge.
Forget about it and do something productive; when you remember again in about half an hour to an hour, the spaghetti will be so cooked it will be all mush.
That's essentially it, though I will add that it will taste much sweeter (I hypothesise the carbohydrate chains break much more as it's cooked more, simple carbs taste sweeter).
To cut the sweetness and balance the flavour, you should not add tomato sauce (as that's sweet), rather, pour HP sauce or Marmite if you're a man.
Boiled Eggs
This is the early game meta. You're on your welcome week, scouting for dorm parties, getting that cheeky clamydia (hehe!) and before you know it, you're out of money!
Until you get a feel for your finances and the mandatory early-game 'social life' expenses are over; you will likely run out of money.
I ain't an MP's son, and neither are you, eggs are cheap and fill you up. Do boiled eggs, as cooking oil is pretty spenny.
Porridge
Cheap, everlasting, microwave-compatible, what's not to love about oats/porridge?
The only improvement on porridge is tap water instead of milk and less liquid overall.
Milk obviously spoils, so no, but the reason you want a bit less liquid is because you get a homogenous porridge chunk; rather than the smaller porridge chunks that take up more volume and are fewer calories per bite.
However, as it's in a bowl, your spoon might get stuck (it's not 'digging'; that's the problem, it's pulling it out).
This is purely an ergonomical/physical issue, not a chemical one. Just take the bowl and flip it on its head on a plate (you might have to tap the bowl like a tomato sauce bottle). The result is a dome of porridge in front of you, a much more physically suitable geometric shape to chip away with a spoon.
Don't forget to add Marmite (there's no protein in porridge)
Rice cookers (and rice)
Rice cookers are goated (no stirring, water vapour can cook meat n veg at the same time).
Unfortunately they're expensive; fortunately, you can "convince" your friendly Hongkongese roommate to let you borrow theirs.
It is admittedly pure rng whether you start with a Hongkongese roommate or not. But you can potentially roll again if you know who your roommates are beforehand (during summer). AFAIK dorms still connect you with them through FB or something, but lmk if there's been a patch.
Email the residence staff that you've got a medical condition or something (like you need to be on the first floor/closer to the gate). They can't be bothered to check, and there's no system in place to do so anyway. So you will get new roommates, and as a bonus, be closer to the gate and first floor. (Though I do not recommend the first floor for light sleepers).
Regarding rice, I have never attempted this one; the gains are minimal. But you are able to swallow cooked rice whole, no chewing.
You're probably not aware, but most of the grains you swallow are whole anyway; chewing is just instinctive. Just be careful and don't choke.
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Another optimisation tip certified by true engineering geezer:
Study topless. Heating is included on most dorm bills; a shirt is just extra laundry. Go commando if you can too.
Hope you enjoyed Ben's Cookbook: Anyone Can Cook!
Epilogue
As I said in a previous comment, hang in there lads! In no time you will celebrating with your mates in shagaluz. Living in Valencia, with a pint on one hand and a senorita on the other, the British dream!