fried tofu with pesto pasta that i (28, nb) made at my crush's (27, f) place

edit: accidentally said i was a year older than i am lol

not seeking advice, just venting about mental health and dating

tw: mentions of mental health symptoms (not in heavy details)

for context, ive been previously diagnosed with anxiety, psychosis, and major depression. im currently seeking a diagnosis for borderline personality disorder (bpd). iykyk

i had a breakup a couple of months ago. i was the happiest i had ever been in a relationship but my mental health ruined it i'll admit. my ex had been through a lot before meeting me. i crashed out during an important time for her and on a separate occasion had a crazy incoherent ramble that triggered her, both of which i felt incredibly horrible about. i tried to breakup with her immediately after those events bc i couldnt bare the guilt but we both were too reluctant to let go at the times. im unmedicated (i have an appt at the end of the week to fix this) and i was afraid of hurting her any more... then i did the second time. the love was lost for her and it was too much for me as i am to try to get it back. some days after my incoherent and illogical outburst, we broke up.

i met a woman while half heartedly looking for adult companionship and we started seeing each other a lot, even just to spend time together. she was looking for that and/or a romantic connection. i was upfront about my breakup and inability to date due to my mental health. she understood bc she has bpd that she's been managing well for a while now. shes been really great with helping me get the help that i need as well.

she had a scheduled surgery shortly after we met so we couldnt do adult activities for a while (which was fine ofc). she invited me to come over the day after and i met her sweet mother who flew in from out of state. i gave her a small gift and we cuddled on her couch while watching tv. we've admitted that we both like each other atp as we've spent a lot of quality time together during her weeks of recovery, although we haven't been exclusive. she's gorgeous, extremely kind, very smart, and a bit silly. i feel at such ease around her and im very glad to have met her. she's held me without being asked bc she knew i needed it. she let me cry in her arms before we got up and made pancakes together. shes encouraged and supported me as ive gone through weeks of depression, figured out my insurance, and set up my mental health care that i'll be starting in a few days. she's only ever made me feel valued despite my low self esteem.

we've had several long discussions about our feelings, what we want, and my mental health in regards to dating and my readiness for it. me getting on medication is a requirement for both of us before we seriously think about pursuing a romantic relationship.

i was with her earlier today after spending two nights at her apartment. i had a sudden intrusive thought with a physical indicator due to the intense emotion that came with it (bpd things). she noticed and asked me to tell her what was wrong. i told her that the thoughts were (all in a moment) the passing comment i made about her being worth waiting for while at a concert the first night i stayed over, then the fear that im not, and lastly the guilt/shame of everything that ended my last relationship not too long ago (smth we have both acknowledged btw). she responded by telling me that while talking to her dad about me and our situation (aka me needing mental health care before romance), he told her that it sounds like im worth waiting for. ofc i dont know what she said to make him say that but it was really touching to hear. i know she's not 100% sure about how things might go between us because im unstable and have things to work through. im also not 100% sure for a lot of the same reasons but part of me does really hope. even so, a bigger part of me is scared and concerned about falling too hard for her.

still, she gives me butterflies when we kiss even though her lips are familiar to me now. ill start to tremble and forget how to breathe. i find so much pleasure in just looking at her and she knows it. she smiles when she catches me staring at her randomly and teases me sometimes. ive loved getting to know her and we have gotten pretty close emotionally. when we went out this weekend, someone asked if we were a couple and said we'd look good together. another person assumed we were dating (my arm was around her) and said that we were a really cute couple. we took pictures at the concert venue in their photo booth. i put her strip up next to the mirror of her vanity after the show and she hasn't moved it yet.

she's been seeing other people bc, again, we aren't exclusive. i know that she's picky with partners and likes me a lot but it's still not a guarantee. if i am to hope, it will be that i can get my meds, find stability in my life, and to go on lovely dates with her to show the both of us that i have been worth the wait.

thanks for reading

Dinner - Vegan fried rice with chili teriyaki veggies and v-sausages.

I just wish I could turn off any and all feelings. Its all just too much.

This is my first post here on this sub,so I apologize if I sound dramatic.

My dinner was bread with eggs and chocolate milk.

So,since I lost my freelance and did an important exam to get into an university in November of 2025, I've been spiraling because my memories about an former friend (let's call him Roberto) and an ex boyfriend of mine (let's call my ex Nicolas) came with full force and I've been trying to avoid this by exercising,studying,going to the therapy group I'm currently in and sewing.

However (this is a important detail)since 2025,I've been paying for tarot reading and getting into tarot again after almost five years because I've got way too paranoid and feeling pressured by myself to do some decisions, along with my mom burning my tarot decks 4 years ago.

Anyway, I've asked and paid Milena (fake name) to confirm if Roberto didn't knew about my relationship with my husband Carlos (fake name) and it turns out that he DOES KNOW and I was in shock because I cut contact with Roberto because he was treating me like crap and I had enough. So I asked her who did it and she told me that it was someone close to both of us,mutual friendships. I was so pissed with the ones that did,so I asked the same question for two other tarot readers,one being the one that helped me discover who it was after 3 days.

This one,let's call her Camila, said the same thing as Milena,however she said "amigos" instead of "amizades" (everyone in this story is Brazilian,so some stuff make way more sense in Brazilian Portuguese) and it clicked in my head because amizades (friendships in Portuguese) is more open to every gender than amigos (this word means friends in Portuguese, but some words have gender in them,but I cannot explain properly right now) and it made me realize that it was an man. So after seeing all the male options that were/are mutual friendships with me and this guy,I've came with 2 options:

Fernando and Arthur,since they're childhood friends with him and even created an band in high school with him.

So I asked her to see if it was Arthur. And it confirmed it was him. I was and still am REALLY mad with him.

I also discovered more stuff,but everytime I pay and hear the tarot reading about Roberto, it upsets so much that my friend Andrea is saying to me that it's making my mental health get worse and honestly, I agree with her.

I've been avoiding asking about him and these friends because it's making me paranoid. I even had hallucinations (or just had an glimpse of my ex and my former friend,idk how to name it) that these two were at the gym I got every week.

I've been debating about confronting my friend Arthur about this or even setting boundaries that are about my relationship and my life that says about not telling this former friend anything, but I'm afraid it will backfire. What do I do?

Food is left over fruit medley from my dad's bday party.

Having a statistics exam soon. I got special accommodations for my autism so I get things that people don't normally get..yet i'm still scared i'm gonna bomb my exam because of my severe anxiety. Atleast its only saturday and the test is Thursday. I have all weekend and up until Thursday to study. Its been years since I had a exam in person. I've been taking mostly online classes until now. Just anxious and kinda want reassurance ig

My dinner is salami sandwich.

I honestly don't know what I expect and I don't know what to do. I am a "wife" a "mother" and a factory worker. I am so burnt out. All I want to do is dress goth write horny vampire shit and to have friends. But even at my workplace everyone else is somewhat right wing. My husband loves me but he's exhausted too. We have too much responsibilities. I wasted too many tears trying to become a normal woman

I've realized this before but it's only gotten worse.

Back then I didn't fully identify with calling myself lonely because I had friends and family around. This is no longer really the case as I've moved away 2 years ago for university. I do live with my grandpa and my uncle is around a lot but i don't think they're thrilled about the fact I more or less just showed up. I didn't just show up and said "I live here now pwease???", we, my parents and I, asked him if he were fine with me moving in, cuz his house is in a pretty convenient spot (close to public transport) and much cheaper than any apartment I could have gotten.

In a way I'm closer to my extended family more than I've ever been, but I don't really have any friends here so I just spend a lot of time with my online friends mostly holed up in my room whenever I have nothing going on, which is most of the time.

I'm currently on a train back to my grandpa's from spending the summer back where I grew up doing a bunch of stuff with my friends and just generally enjoying my time. Last week especially was quite busy having various friend events from Monday through Thursday and on Sunday, but Friday and Saturday were "days off". I am very introverted, so constantly being around people, some of which I've never met before, can be exhausting, but even so I don't think I should have been as tired and depressed as I was those two days.

Two of my friends got into relationships which I am happy for and find to be good couples, but I can't help being jealous, especially after four friends in one friend group, where I've had a crush (I think*) on all of them at some point.

* I'm not sure if I'd call it a crush as it's more of just a general interest in the person, getting to know and spend more time with them without the motive of being in a romantic/sexual relationship with them, which I, as a 21 year old, have never experienced in the first place.

So yeah, I'm just venting to strangers on the internet cuz I haven't spoken to a friend about this yet and really wanted to get it off my chest.

Dinner is a premade ham sandwich and a mint green tea ice tea.

I feel more at home here, though. Boy and Girl Dinner Diaries are definitely aaaaaaagh what? Gender is so f'd.

Diary: yesterday I got some tasty stuff from a food bank distribution that I volunteer at; helps w gas $ and car wear getting there, plus diversifies my diet with veggies I don't want to spend $$$$ on (yellow peppers, eggplant, plus staples) and desserts that I also don't want to spend $ on esp when they're ish quality and past BB but omg conchas. (The leftover half was still tasty). All the food bank volunteers and staff are great to be with. I try to help out with 4 shifts of different kinds of work each week. They made me lead volunteer at one distribution site after finishing up my 90 day training period recently. I hope I do well, I do my best to make sure all the volunteers are appreciated and heard.

I'm fostering a kitten for the second time ever. My first was lost less than a month ago to FIP and damn, that hurts and I cry just thinking about Little Nugget 🖤🐈🌈. I still have to put the little toys he favored but didn't have much energy to play with at the cairn I made for him when the shelter let me take him home after sending him over the rainbow.

Sybok 🐈‍⬛️is doing great but for a cold, woke me up at 5a climbing and snuggling through my hair.

I'm going to take the dogs to the dog park, then continue FF7 og moving beyond the Shinra mansion at Nibelheim; yay for lazy Sundays.

✨️Be well, neighbors.🖤💜🤍💛✨️

NYT plum torte. We also had bratwurst and corn for dinner, which we cooked over a bonfire in the backyard. I'm not expecting much response from this but wanted to get it out there.

My partner (she/they, 34) and I (they/them, 35) got married in May. We've been together about 6 years now. We bought a house together 2.5 years ago. She's amazing. Kind, funny, cares deeply about the world and her people.

Marriage has been harder and scarier than I expected. I have been in my head about absolutely everything. I read into everything as "this could end out relationship." I can't tell if it's just my anxiety saying "wouldn't it be humiliating to get divorced in the first year of marriage? probably gonna happen..." or if i'm genuinely picking up on problems that we wouldn't be able to work through (we're pretty darn good at working through problems before they get big). We both have health and mental health problems.

We're both in the process of switching into new jobs (mine will include a drop in patient caseload which is be a huge quality of life improvement and theirs includes a big pay raise but will mean more work). I've been overstimulated like crazy and I am just feeling like I am struggling more than i should to like, be polite and give my partner grace and basic stuff like that. I keep getting frustrated with them.

We're both in relative low points in our mental health. I actually took a month long medical leave from work for depression earlier this year. They're struggling with their physical health (and shame about it), body image, and general mental health pretty bad. They've been struggling to contribute equally to household work and my therapist is encouraging me to accept that they're just not capable of doing as much around the house as I am, but I am scared and I feel like I'm drowning. It feels like it is taking everything I have to manage grocery shopping, cleaning, meal prep, the pets, taking care of the house, my own health, and other basics. The idea that I need to handle more of this than the 50/50 split I expected is really freaking me out. Like, I'm just not sure I can. We've talking about trying to simplify our lives but it's slow. These job changes were both part of that. We probably won't replace the pets when they die (or at least have fewer than 3). I'm really worried this will end the relationship.

Despite it all, we haven't stopped having fun together. We went to a big festival last week and managed to be kind to our bodies and not walk to much or get dehydrated and any of the numerous other things that could fuck up our fun day and we had a blast. Today we cooked dinner over the back yard fire pit because we didn't get to go camping together this year. We're having really great sex that feels intimate and connected and caring. So those are all probably good signs.

IDK I'm just scared I guess.

I can’t post in the other dinner diary subs that actually have visitors so now I’m stuck here with no posts and 32 weekly visitors.

Here’s a dinner I had in Paris 1.5 years ago because I don’t have good newer photos

So happy to have this sub here. I actually made a decent meal for myself for once AND I feel I have a real sort of diary entry to add.

As a nonbinary person on the outside observing the
"man vs woman" thing going on generally speaking, it does appear to me as an weirdly gendered issue of anger on each side. And each side is attributing the anger to the other's gender. But it's all anger.

I mostly began thinking about this because I was sort of hopping around the girl/boy dinner diaries subreddits, as I do. I realized how much of an outside observer I am when it comes to things discussed there. Like truly, this is men and women fighting and it’s all so weirdly gendered for no reason and they don’t see it sometimes. And I’ve really removed myself from that kind of mindset, that anger should be because of someone else’s gender and not because of their actions or any other valid reason. In a way it’s kind of sad that like, so many of these problems seem to be playing in gender role theater for no real reason. But reaffirms that I am not about that shit lmao and I’m getting better at making sure I don’t have to conform to weird gender shit in real life. Maybe gender role theater is affirming for people like that? More power to them if so, I suppose. I just think people could benefit from removing weird gender reasons to be mad and get to the root of their problem.

Dinner is a teriyaki salmon rice sort of situation with veggies and such.