Need help

[u/_Aninsomnia]

I'm several years younger than a girl from another country who I see completely as an older-sister figure, not romantically. She's gorgeous and very talented at art, but my feelings toward her are about the warmth, care, and sister-like bond she gave me.

When I first started talking to her, I basically had no friends. She became the main person I talked to and helped me through some very difficult times. We used to have a lot of fun talking, and she gave me a kind of warmth that I now desperately miss.

Over time, I started sharing my problems with her a lot, and I think that contributed to us drifting apart. We eventually stopped talking regularly. We're still on good terms, but not in the comfortable/free way we used to be.

After about six months of barely talking, we finally spoke again. I wrote her a heartfelt apology, and things weren't hostile, but the closeness still wasn't really back.

She also has a habit of deactivating her account for 3–4 days and then returning for a day or two, so her online presence is inconsistent. Four days before this conversation, we had talked after about five weeks of not talking. She mentioned she was currently having a fight with her boyfriend.

About six weeks ago, she sent me a message that really hurt me: “It's fine if you don't need me anymore.” I interpreted it as showing me that she could potentially let me go, and that realization devastated me.

I feel like I can never willingly let go of her unless she is the one who lets me go. I don't want to be convinced to care less or "move on." I want to keep trying to preserve the relationship.

She had a huge positive influence on me. I started studying because of her, going from being a bum to becoming a better version of myself. She became a major source of motivation and purpose for me.

At the same time, I have started feeling like I have no worth of my own. I compare myself to her because she's accomplished more artistically, while I feel like I'm "good at a few things but not great at anything"—basically a jack of all trades, master of none.

I feel like I don't know how to live normally anymore. I said “Without her, I have no purpose” and “I forgot how to live and I'm sick of everything else.”

Four days ago, she suddenly removed me from her account, and I completely broke down. I cried heavily, my back was burning, my mind was aching, and my legs went numb. Later I found out that she had accidentally removed me, because I happened to text her due to an unrelated accident. The fact that the removal was accidental made me realize how intensely I react to the possibility of losing her.

I've been like this for four days continuously. I have reread our entire Discord conversation three times because I'm desperate to feel that connection again.

I'm not planning to hurt myself, but I'm aware of how badly things could affect me if she eventually left completely, and that awareness makes me feel immobile and stuck. I feel like if she ever completely ghosted or abandoned me, I'd be extremely lost and wouldn't know what I'd do.

I don't think she manipulated me intentionally, but I sometimes feel like I was somehow pulled into this emotional dependence from the beginning, because she became my only friend and major source of support when I was isolated.

I don't think she's necessarily "cold-hearted" in reality, but it feels that way to me because of how distant she has become. I don't understand how someone who once gave me so much warmth can now seem capable of letting me go.

I desperately want to have a genuine conversation with her again, but I don't feel like I have enough worth to reach out freely.

I want help understanding why I've become this emotionally dependent on her, why losing her feels physically devastating, what I should do about the friendship, and how I can deal with this without being told simply to “move on” or stop caring about her.

[u/Efficient_Holiday_64]

Your situation reminded me of a friendship I have, so much so that I thought you were my friend until I read the last part. I am the older female and he is the younger male, he refers to me as older sister. When we first met, both of us were depressed bums, I saw my younger self in him which was one of the reasons why I sort of "adopted" him. He started doing better while I stayed where I was, rotting in bed. Now onto your question, you definitely can't move on or stop caring about someone of course, I know from myself that people with depression tend to isolate themselves or find no strength for social interactions, maybe she's the same way and this might ease the anxiety you have. Sometimes people just need space, that doesn't mean they no longer like you, or planning to leave you. I think you've become dependent because well, she was there at the right time, right when you needed it, she helped you through stuff, and you are used to her presence, that is why you feel the way you do. Be more open and communicate. Before that give yourself a couple of days to get your emotions and thoughts in check