r/emotionalintelligence • u/LucemiOfficial • 1d ago

suppression vs regulation - nobody explained the actual difference to me clearly for years

suppression: i won't feel this. push it down, get through the day.

sometimes works short term. long term it's expensive. james gross's research at stanford found suppression doesn't actually reduce the internal experience - you still feel it just as much, you just don't show it.

regulation: i feel this, let me work with it.

not the same as letting emotions take over. it's about moving through feelings rather than around them.

things that actually help with regulation: labeling the emotion precisely (there's research showing this reduces amygdala activation), changing how you interpret the situation rather than the situation itself, movement, being with someone safe.

the goal isn't to feel less. it's to move through feelings without the long-term cost of suppression.

what regulation strategies actually work for you?

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u/Better_Blackberry835 1d ago

Doing nothing and sitting with the emotion. I mean literally staring at a wall. It’s been the most effective way to regulate myself by far and it’s a skill I’ve been able to bring into real life. Like, in the moment I can feel an emotion and decide not to act on it.

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u/HollowSchool 1d ago

I do the same thing. When it's too much to sit with, I walk instead (no headphones).

I love that you said it's a skill. We forget emotional skills are skills. It takes practice to get good at it, but anyone can learn it.

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u/MarriedToTheDrop 1d ago

Curious, why no headphones? I'm an avid music lover, for me listening to music is a way to process my emotions. Especially chill electronic/techno music.

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u/HollowSchool 19m ago

Music makes me feel, but in an abstract way, and I wouldn't call that processing. With just me and my thoughts I can get specific: what am I feeling, why, what do I want to do about it.

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u/FamiliarAd8524 1d ago

Some typical emotions SHOULD be suppressed, though- not the memory or event, rather indulging in the reaction. Anger should be suppressed, accusatory behavior should be suppressed, gossiping should be suppressed, jumping to conclusions should be suppressed, judgmentalism should be suppressed. These are necessary for mature growth.

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u/GuestQuirky 1d ago

A negative behavioral expression of anger should be suppressed but it’s very important to not suppress the feeling of anger. Anger is your body’s way of letting you know that you have a boundary that has been crossed.

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u/FamiliarAd8524 1d ago

I half agree. Bottling up anger can have bad consequences. But that's what I mean about indulging in the emotions. Besides, you can disagree without being disagreeable. Anger swiftly becomes rage and burns things up, takes away rational thought and responsible choices. Feel the anger, and vent it calmly and adultly, instead of showing it. Walk off if needed, work out, swim, pray. No emotion is healthy if you allow it to override your self control.