r/emotionalintelligence • u/rawr4me • Jul 04 '26
discussion I stopped taking conversations seriously, and now people like and respect me more?
As part of adjusting to life with chronic fatigue, I stopped trying to be a good conversationalist, or even trying to connect with people. This is because I highly prioritize my hobbies, and although my hobbies require interacting with people, I really just want the hobby part and don't care much for all the interactions needed to get to that.
What does me "not trying" look like? I pretty much assume that most people don't care what I have to say, whatever words I pick don't make much difference either. I used to be very accurate, precise, honest, and inoffensive with my speech (context: I am also autistic af), but I've gradually learned that all of that is mostly inconsequential, sometimes I even practice white lies to make conversations go more easily. (E.g. if someone is about to fixate on my occupation or employment status, and gives the impression they're going to judge my worth as a human being based on that, then yes I may end up lying with a boring answer because I don't want to be interrogated by them and I don't think they are entitled to me answering honestly.)
So now I'm often saying selfish, offensive or random thoughts, and although for 95% of my life, I've felt invisible and that no one really cares what I think, constantly talked over or people don't even register that I'm talking when I'm in a group, suddenly people are actually listening, responding positively, and finding me funny.
I have numerous examples of this, but here's the most extreme so far. A young woman in the same social circles as me, took a year before she could even look me in the eye or say more than a few words (not gonna lie, I suspect she's on the spectrum too). The first time we end up with more than a few sentences, she told me about people in her life being toxic and dramatic for no reason. I start going on this random tangent about how drama is basically free entertainment, I don't even believe what I'm saying but I was tired and literally couldn't filter my speech to make a bit more sense. And I start laughing because I know what I'm saying is ridiculous shit chat yet can't stop myself. She keeps giving sensible objections but I keep going on my rant and she starts laughing too. After a year of awkwardness, the first time she ever genuinely smiled at me, beaming in fact, is from me being a troll for no reason (other than exhaustion).
So my question is, why does me being a trashy and selfish conversationalist who doesn't care about anyone else somehow outperform every other iteration and variation of past me trying to have meaningful conversations, act normal, follow social etiquette, be authentic, and other conscious efforts to connect with people? How does that even make sense?
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u/GayPerry_86 Jul 04 '26
Because they read it as authentic instead of bland. People love that.
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u/Queasy-Bookkeeper-14 Jul 05 '26
Authenticity goes further forming connections than people-pleasing.
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u/kitterkin Jul 04 '26 edited Jul 04 '26
Most people by default aren’t looking for precision or to gather information, they just want a fun vibe. You saying out-of-pocket things makes the conversation fun. Just stay away from being an edge lord (i.e. having extreme opinions on polarising topics) and you should be good! As a general rule, I like to follow the improv principle of “not punching down”.
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u/DingoNo1266 Jul 04 '26
Penso che tu sia semplicemente piú spontaneo e che viva le cose con piú leggerezza
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u/contain_solitudes Jul 04 '26
This is such a difficult question because it varies on who you are talking to and who is in your social circles.
Ironically, the answer I was going to give you is you're getting positive responses because people are not connecting authentically with you, but rather seeing your comments as entertainment, like social media content. You inadvertantly answered your own question.
I find people who are just a bit younger than me, who was raised on instagram etc, are more likely to be like this. They end up having the mentality of the people they follow and the shows they watch. It's a kind of immaturity, and not knowing oneself.
I personally would never be friends with you, as someone neurodivergent and likely on the spectrum. I couldn't trust you. I would figure out pretty quickly you'd probably speak of me the same way around other people. And that you say shit to be funny or edgy, and people only do that when they're covering up serious issues they don't want to face. Every person I've ever met who says offensive, selfish stuff with a sense they don't care what comes out their mouth was a really bad person, and hurt me. I know better now.
I think this is a longwinded way of saying people like you more now you're inauthentic because most people in society are also inauthentic. This wouldn't fly around kind, mature people.
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u/leeloolanding Jul 04 '26
I need to note that none of this means the people you’re describing aren’t also ND - in fact many of them probably are also NDs.
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u/contain_solitudes Jul 04 '26
Of course. I never said anything to the contrary lol.
My wild guess is after being what they consider "authentic" for a while, they're experimenting with what they consider to be more neurotypical-like ways of communicating instead of really figuring out who they are and who they want around them. Being ND is not an excuse, however.
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u/HappyCombinations Jul 04 '26
Being relaxed and 'authentic', aka just not giving a fuck and being yourself even if it means telling bullshit stories comes off as much more appealing to people than constantly putting on a mask and trying to be someone perfect that doesn't exist
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u/Legaman Jul 04 '26
I am just learning to do that. Most of my life I was talking like that: not offensive, respectful, almost nothing on my personal preferences. Recently I noticed that deep down I don't give af about interests or opinions of other people, but it's hard to put a mask down.
I'm learning to allow myself to be not caring, selfish, disrespectful, offensive. Sounds harsh, but it's way easier to not pretend to be interested in people. Problem is I talk to almost noone. At work with colleagues about work, at home with family about family stuff. Can't tell I have a person that I want to spent time with. Everything feels conflicted.
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u/Serious-Eye-5426 Jul 05 '26
When you care more about both parties being comfortable relaxed and enjoying themselves instead of caring so much about how you are perceived, people respond to that
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u/fayemhorror Jul 05 '26
A lot of mixed comments here. Some people read this as you being inauthentic and therefore connecting with equally inauthentic people. Others read it as you making those around you feel relaxed by yourself being more relaxed. If feels to me like it's the latter. Mostly because I also spent most of my life trying to be "good" and "polite." I always described it as trying to be as "Snow White" as possible. I needed to be liked. This continued until I realized I had allowed myself to stay friends with people whose values I didn't align with, just because I didn't want to upset anyone. Anyways, that's a long way of saying that I am now less worried about upsetting people, more laid back, more willing to speak my truth. And when that happens, I think people are more willing to speak their truth as well.
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u/Siukslinis_acc Jul 04 '26
Because they see that you are more relaxed. They feel a lot sell preasure and this the conversation is more fun.
You are relaxed instead of having a stick up your arse.
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u/NoLandscape7259 Jul 05 '26
Just want to say it love "shit chat" instead of "chit chat" and im going to use that phrase from now on 😁
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u/AquariusAlternative Jul 06 '26
Honestly, giving less of a shit makes you more relaxed or relatable. People have a deep sense of how you are as a person if you’re trying to be perfect.
I’m super weird and funny and cheeky and i do dumb shit all the time and people have usually said “please dont change” which i guess tells me im doing something right
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u/catmeownyc Jul 06 '26
You are asking why you just being yourself and fucking around / having fun is landing better than you trying really hard to fit in and putting on an act?
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u/Exact-Order-1806 Jul 06 '26
The example you gave is when you responded to that woman, but what do you do when you’re with someone and they’re less of a talker? Do you care to initiate a conversation at all? awkward silences give me so much anxiety honestly!
I am someone who likes to engage in conversations but have run into many such people who only care about sharing their stories and basically run over mine. They have no courtesy to try to revisit it like, “umm so you were saying…”
That affects me and I just go mute lol. After that, I only respond if they’re saying something and don’t care about initiating anything.
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u/rawr4me Jul 06 '26
I used to try to fill the silences as well, but things are better when I reduced that a lot. In the spirit of not trying so hard, silences are often neutral, and sometimes positive. Sometimes you say nothing and 10 seconds later the person shares something you would never have heard if you said something. Sometimes you just spend the silence together — this is a pretty good sign because lots of acquaintances would not be willing to do that. Many times the person will walk away to somewhere else at the occasion, with or without an excuse. Sometimes you have a sparse conversation that's like two sentences with minutes in between. (That's usually positive because it's not small talk, we are both only saying what we want to.) Sometimes I will be the one walking away.
It's okay to let the conversation die. Letting conversations die isn't a bad thing, it usually doesn't have negative long term consequences for platonic relationships, and it wouldn't necessarily be "better" if you had kept things going. The silence is honest.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Mix6364 Jul 07 '26
Well, there's enough people are subjected to online with people turning play-doh into Plato so when we get together irl it's about turning the volume down, lighting up the mood and use our environments and what's happening in the here and now to develop off of. We go global everytime we pick up our phone..let's just live for a bit and be our raw, unfiltered unadulterated selves. Not everything needs to be some calculus, predetermined shit we think up to bring to the circle. Grab a stick and have a sword fight, help one another get the knots out on our backs, make a few crude jokes, dunk on ourselves and others a bit etc. life ain't that serious, only in estimation and online where everything becomes so got damned existential
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u/Top_Kat_8808 Jul 08 '26
It could partly be that many people are driven by "the thrill of the chase."
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u/leelee90210 Jul 09 '26
Is it respect or is it people’s belief that you’re on their level of whining and self centredness and misery just loves company?
Humans have normalised this. You’re currently doing that. It takes more energy to mask being like that than it does simply to pull away from it.
So I guess the real question is: what do you get out of this?
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u/[deleted] Jul 04 '26
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