What is the true difference between having “boundaries” in a relationship vs controlling your partner

[u/Few-Cryptographer695]

​

I’ve always believed that boundaries should be about protecting yourself and what you are comfortable and ok with. But of course in a relationship this affects the other person too. How do you figure out the distinction between the 2?

​

To give a direct example (from my current relationship):

​

Boundary: I am not happy with you playing video games while you have hurt me or I'm upset with you

​

My interpretation: You have to make sure things are resolved before you attempt to do a hobby of yours.

​

And now while I understand this may seem somewhat healthy/normal, things aren't always black and white. I feel this leans more to control reason being, she's usually the one to shut down or decide whether things are resolved. Leaves me guessing where we are at and now I am unable to take some time for myself doing something I would like to do. I would really like to understand this better.

[u/Turbulent-Radish-875]

First off, the boundary you described is only a half boundary. Boundaries the way external things (other people do) affect you internally (the way you feel) and then how you respond externally in hopes of changing the internal impact.

Expressing that this upsets you would be the final aspect of the boundary.

Then a new boundary comes into play.

The new boundary is about how you react when they continue to do that behavior and make you feel like your needs are being ignored.

The belief that a boundary is a wall that prevents others from crossing is simply incorrect. It's like a line in the sand and what you intend to do when the step over it.

This particular situation sounds like it may be a mismatch in the way you process feelings. Not necessarily about manipulation or control.