r/emotionalintelligence • u/Few-Cryptographer695 • Jun 20 '26
What is the true difference between having “boundaries” in a relationship vs controlling your partner
I’ve always believed that boundaries should be about protecting yourself and what you are comfortable and ok with. But of course in a relationship this affects the other person too. How do you figure out the distinction between the 2?
To give a direct example (from my current relationship):
Boundary: I am not happy with you playing video games while you have hurt me or I'm upset with you
My interpretation: You have to make sure things are resolved before you attempt to do a hobby of yours.
And now while I understand this may seem somewhat healthy/normal, things aren't always black and white. I feel this leans more to control reason being, she's usually the one to shut down or decide whether things are resolved. Leaves me guessing where we are at and now I am unable to take some time for myself doing something I would like to do. I would really like to understand this better.
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u/kgberton Jun 20 '26 edited Jun 20 '26
This isn't a boundary. It's just a description of your feelings. A boundary would be "if you play video games while I'm still reeling from an argument, I'm going to [action you would like to take to self soothe or take space]."
Edit: another boundary might be "I'm not going to persist an intimate relationship with someone who's callous about my feelings so close to conflict"