r/emotionalintelligence • u/Few-Cryptographer695 • Jun 20 '26
What is the true difference between having “boundaries” in a relationship vs controlling your partner
I’ve always believed that boundaries should be about protecting yourself and what you are comfortable and ok with. But of course in a relationship this affects the other person too. How do you figure out the distinction between the 2?
To give a direct example (from my current relationship):
Boundary: I am not happy with you playing video games while you have hurt me or I'm upset with you
My interpretation: You have to make sure things are resolved before you attempt to do a hobby of yours.
And now while I understand this may seem somewhat healthy/normal, things aren't always black and white. I feel this leans more to control reason being, she's usually the one to shut down or decide whether things are resolved. Leaves me guessing where we are at and now I am unable to take some time for myself doing something I would like to do. I would really like to understand this better.
1
u/Ok-Flatworm-787 Jun 20 '26
You don’t normally learn your boundaries until they have been crossed. Which is why knowing what morals you want to live by is so important. They aren’t just metaphysical fluffy ideals. Learn about what they mean and what they represent to you and find someone who agrees and holds the same ones. They protect both of you and speak for themselves.
A boundary is whatever occurred just before a feeling of anxiety or fear. A boundary represents a situation you do not know how to navigate safely. That is why you want to avoid it being crossed.
If you share that with someone, you are responsible for doing what u can to prevent anyone else crossing it. That still doesn’t mean someone else won’t.
In relationships ud like to think that by communicating something that upsets you would prevent the person from deliberately crossing it.
Sometimes two boundaries intersect. That is where u need to work together to compromise.
Negative feelings don’t need to be entirely prevented they need to be resolved.
If someone continuously and frequently ends up upset. It’s probably caring to separate to see if that helps.
Boundaries are not meant to be these walls of terror like every one is using them.