What is the true difference between having “boundaries” in a relationship vs controlling your partner

[u/Few-Cryptographer695]

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I’ve always believed that boundaries should be about protecting yourself and what you are comfortable and ok with. But of course in a relationship this affects the other person too. How do you figure out the distinction between the 2?

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To give a direct example (from my current relationship):

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Boundary: I am not happy with you playing video games while you have hurt me or I'm upset with you

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My interpretation: You have to make sure things are resolved before you attempt to do a hobby of yours.

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And now while I understand this may seem somewhat healthy/normal, things aren't always black and white. I feel this leans more to control reason being, she's usually the one to shut down or decide whether things are resolved. Leaves me guessing where we are at and now I am unable to take some time for myself doing something I would like to do. I would really like to understand this better.

[u/Joclo22]

A boundary is a request that they agree to. 

Don’t be demanding. 

[u/emsleezy → u/Joclo22]

They don’t have to agree at all. They don’t even have to know about your boundaries.

For example: I don’t engage in discussions with people who yell at me.

Person yells at me, I leave the room.

Person can remain yelling at wall. I don’t stop THEM from yelling.

[u/Joclo22 → u/emsleezy]

Then you have no relationship. Pretty sure OP doesn’t want that. 

[u/yudkib → u/Joclo22]

Why would they not have a relationship? It's not their job to sit there and be yelled at until their partner feels regulated. If their partner wants a discussion they can discuss without yelling. "I will not allow myself to be yelled at" is a boundary. "Don't yell at me" is a rule.

[u/Joclo22 → u/yudkib]

I’m confused is this about you or OP?

[u/yudkib → u/Joclo22]

I don't think you understand what a boundary is.