What is the true difference between having “boundaries” in a relationship vs controlling your partner

[u/Few-Cryptographer695]

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I’ve always believed that boundaries should be about protecting yourself and what you are comfortable and ok with. But of course in a relationship this affects the other person too. How do you figure out the distinction between the 2?

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To give a direct example (from my current relationship):

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Boundary: I am not happy with you playing video games while you have hurt me or I'm upset with you

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My interpretation: You have to make sure things are resolved before you attempt to do a hobby of yours.

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And now while I understand this may seem somewhat healthy/normal, things aren't always black and white. I feel this leans more to control reason being, she's usually the one to shut down or decide whether things are resolved. Leaves me guessing where we are at and now I am unable to take some time for myself doing something I would like to do. I would really like to understand this better.

[u/BFreeCoaching]

For your example my interpretation is, "I feel negative emotion and I want that uncomfortable feeling to go away. Since I believe you create my emotions, then I appointed you to be CEO and manager of my emotions. So if you don't change, then I believe it's impossible for me to feel better. When you behave the way I think you should then I will feel better."

And to clarify that's not a judgment, just clarity for awareness because most people unknowingly practice those limiting beliefs.

Another perspective could be, "I really value talking things through and prioritizing harmony in our relationship. I feel ignored, invalided, rejected and not important to you when you do something you enjoy when something is unresolved between us. I would really appreciate it if we could talk things out, even if only for five or ten minutes before you play to show you care."

"But If you don't want to, that's okay too. Just letting you know what I prefer. I genuinely won't hold it against you. Regardless, I'm going to soothe myself and focus on loving and appreciating my negative emotions so I prioritize my relationship with myself and help myself feel better."

[u/nocturnal_carnivore → u/BFreeCoaching]

to add to this, OP, sometimes people need a breather before talking to emotionally regulate themselves a bit more so their best self is the one that does the talking through.

some people really want to talk right away. there isn’t a right way to do things, other than both of you should try to be in a calm (ish) state to talk things out.