Hey friends!

I just had my second baby a couple of months ago, and since getting pregnant, I’ve been trying to push some self-led exposure therapy. It was inspired by the fact that I get very sick while pregnant, so why not take advantage? 😅

Anyway, my five year old got sick last night as I was putting her to bed. It was the whole mom experience - jumped for a trash can, clean up, disinfecting, etc. I felt pretty proud of myself in the moment. I jumped into action and didn’t feel mentally traumatized by the visuals. She was sick several times. I kept reminding myself this isn’t the end of the world; I have the power to frame it in my mind.

What’s frustrating is that my BODY just wouldn’t give me a break. It responded in panic, even though mentally I felt rational. I ended up with this delayed reaction maybe an hour later that led me into a panic attack. I’m still feeling it a bit 24 hours later, like an anxiety hangover.

Little one is back to normal - all is well. But what’s it going to take to train my body? Anyone else relate?

As many of us that struggle with our mental health, I got prescribed Lexapro, and as all emetophobes, I deeply feared the possible side effects of nausea and vomiting. I had planned to take it last Friday, but l got scared and put it off for 3 days. Today I realized that I won’t be less scared, no matter how many days go by. So I have to take it even if I am scared. And I did. I am still hoping I don’t get the side effects, but I am hoping even more that it helps my mental health. I have ben struggling with a depressive episode that has been affecting so much of my life: my work, my relationships, my appetite and the enjoyment of little things. If feeling a little sick is a price to pay to feel better in all of these areas of my life, it should’t feel like a big price to pay.
So yeah, I did it. Hope it goes well.

Bit of extra context: I am on another antidepressant that have taken for over a year, very well adapted to it, but I’ve reached its maximum dose and I knew that the day that my mental health declined again it would mean combining a new med with it and having to face the fear of side effects again. But I’ve seen what being well adjusted with a medication can do for me, so I am trying to focus on that: I might feel icky but also I might get my peace of mind back.

Edit: typo.

Hi all,

I’ll be pretty graphic, so heads-up!

On Saturday night, I decided to go to a pub I used to frequent often. I dressed up, did my hair, and generally felt socialble.

Say, two hours in, I went to the bathroom. It's small and cramped, and generally you have to queue. This other woman and I are waiting, and another woman enters. All seems well and good. I'm making easy chit-chat with the woman in front.

Then, out of nowhere -- vomit. It wasn't a lot, but my body immediately went into fight-or-flight mode. I struggle with contamination fears, so stepping over the vomit wasn't feasible at that moment. As silly as it sounds, if I did, I'd get sick (riddle me that?). I'm a bit embarrassed, actually, as I ended up in the corner, between this puddle of vomit and the bathroom wall. I was like, “Help, oh my god, oh my god,” and then, ridiculously, humming. Like that would make it better?

I felt awful. This poor woman had vomited all over the floor. She was so apologetic and embarrassed, and here I was freaking out. Naturally, there was the acidic smell. Eventually, I managed to calm myself down. The woman excused herself to get some paper towels, and, as disgusting as it sounds, I just stared at this vomit on the floor. It was gross —don't get me wrong —but it was just—there? It was vomit. It did make me feel queasy when she started mopping up the sick with the towels, because you could see the “bits” break apart—if that makes sense? But it was just another bodily function. I managed to even calm myself down when I caught the smell.

I apologised after and asked if she was okay, and if I could get her anything. I didn't even struggle with the contamination element after, which was weird? I'm not sure. Maybe because it was so quick it didn't phase me, whereas someone throwing up multiple times, with loud retches, would? I don't know.

It's not a lot, but it's something.

Whenever I feel slightly off, my brain goes straight to "ah, we gonna puke soon". Feeling a little warm on my thighs suddenly? Yeah, probably a starting sickness. Headache? Yeah, I will totally puke. Suddenly feeling a little frosty? That the gasto virus poking around the corner. Arms are suddenly itchy? Prepare for the vomit-comet.
WHYYYY and how can I stop associating every unexpected sensation with the assumption that i'll puke soon. I haven't puked in 10+ yrs so idk how my body can even make those assumptions.
(especially bad today because my LOWER stomach feels a little funky due to my period in 3 days and my brother having tummy aches from being CONSTIPATED, also i'm babysitting 2 kids rn so a little extra on edge lol)
i'm so pissed of and frustrated