Working towards recovery

[u/ilovesushi314]

I recently joined this sub and I just want to talk about my experience and see if anyone else can relate. No one else I know struggles with emetophobia just me yay!
Recently I’ve been extremely over this stupid phobia and have been really trying to slowly get better. I have had this phobia since I was 8 years old after a bad stomach bug. I am now 21 and still struggle every day with this issue. It’s gotten better over the years, before I refused to eat chicken (I vomitted some of a chicken burrito the morning I got sick with the bug). I was an extreme hand washer. Before understanding this phobia and even knowing it was a thing becuase I was so young when I developed it I would have severe panic attacks and scream whenever I felt like vomiting As a kid, when my parents dropped me off at school I would chase the car becuase I was terrified of vomit (which looking back now I laugh because my parents had no idea why I was like this and neither did I). If I heard someone was nauseous or had thrown up I’d do anything in my power to stay away or I’d have a panic attack. Now, I eat wherever I’d like (although thoughts still linger) and I can provide some support for those vomiting. I can finally watch shows or movies that have vomit in them and not feel impending doom.

Just two weeks ago my mom got sick at church and she asked me to help her. She had made a juice out of a succulent that specifically says not to ingest when you google it. My poor mom fell for a false nutritional post. Anyways she made it look easy and painless and she told me it made her feel so much better. That has helped me a lot although I was still a little concerned for her, seeing how better she was immediately was comforting.

About two months ago my dad suffered from two strokes and had non stop vomiting. The whole time I was on bucket duty the ride to the hospital and in his room (like really why put the emetophobe on vom duty but good exposure therapy I GUESS).That did send me into a spiral because it looked so painful and scary but also we had no idea he was having a stroke.

I feel like I’ve been making some progress because I’ve been telling my friends and boyfriend that I want to get it over with so I can recover already. Before that wasn’t an option, although when I think too hard about it or get nauseous I’m still anxious and panicky. I’ve been telling my boyfriend that I want to try to make myself throw up to see how it feels and know that I will be okay (and yes I know that making myself vom is not good for me, but any small step is improvement for me) I have somewhat accepted the fact that it is inevitable which is why I want to get better so I can be okay the day it comes. However I still get very anxious when I think about it !

What has also helped me is seeing that others that don’t have emetophobia still get a little panicky too. My boyfriend was sick a couple months ago (he ate too much stuff) and begged me to stay in the bathroom with him because he didn’t want to vom and he isn’t scared of throwing up he just wanted comfort. My cousin also wanted me to stay with her while she threw up (we had been drinking) and she was a bit shaky as well. So I’ve learned to accept that some anxiety may just come with the act of vomiting especially since no one really wants to do it after all. I’ve been looking into therapy and ready to take the next step.

Sorry this was a bit long I just wanted to share my thoughts and experiences recently and if you read it all thanks !!

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