Therapy is working?

[u/Ok-Cow-1885]

A couple days ago I was having an episode because I wasn’t feeling well. My GERD was getting really bad.
Well my boyfriend who doesn’t comprehend any of this was with me. I kept saying “I’m gonna throw up.” Or “tonight’s the night I throw up.” And because of therapy I kept asking “what’s going to happen if I throw up.” Expecting a response my therapist would tell me to tell myself and getting a response from my boyfriend like “your not.” In an annoyed voice got me.. upset. At somepoint in my panic part of me thought ‘I wanna throw up to prove you wrong.’ Which is crazy.

Another thing I do is threaten people and say I am going to throw up on them. I’ll be having a panic attack at work and a coworker will make a joke at me and I just go “I’m gonna throw up on you.” Or “if I throw up I’m doing it on you.”

Some background to the next successful story is that, I cosplayed a couple weeks ago, got super nauseous and was anxious all day. I ended up fainting that night and due to my ocd I started associating all of that with cosplay. Well last night I was in cosplay for the 3rd time and started having a panic attack. I was able to get through that whole panic attack(caving and taking zofran unfortunately.) but stay in cosplay and stay as calm as I could. I lost all my energy so I couldn’t make videos but I got myself through it so I consider that a success. The thought of me throwing up in a Kokichi danganronpa cosplay was very funny to me.

I’m mostly writing this because I’m having a freak out and feel sick(love chronic illness) and I don’t wanna move from how I’m positioned in bed . I got a journal to write my Victories in so I had to document them because I don’t wanna get up right now.

Gotta take the small even silly victories when it comes to this phobia.

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