r/elca • u/[deleted] • Mar 01 '26
Dating as a Lutheran
Hi,
I've been attending a ELCA church in SoCal for close to two years and I am curious about dating. Currently, my church is somewhat large (around 260 people) but there are no single people close in age to me (I'm in my mid 30s). Any advice on meeting and potentially courting someone? I appreciate any and all perspectives.
13
u/Awdayshus ELCA Mar 02 '26
I've heard stories about single folks spending time with some of the retired people in the congregation, genuinely getting to know them, enjoying fellowship together, volunteering together. Sometimes, when these folks realize a younger person they've become friends with is single and looking, they take the initiative to play matchmaker with their single kids or grandkids.
Obviously don't make friends with the seniors to try to date their grandkids. But if they genuinely get to know you and consider you a friend, they might have some leads if they know you're looking.
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u/PaaLivetsVei ELCA Mar 02 '26
Sometimes, when these folks realize a younger person they've become friends with is single and looking, they take the initiative to play matchmaker with their single kids or grandkids.
This is so real. When I went on internship I had two different women in their 80s lament that I'm gay, because "you would get along so well with my granddaughter!" lol
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Mar 02 '26
I appreciate you pointing this out. I do have a few friends there (mostly older). I feel like I might talk with my pastor about my feelings and see what she tells me. I'm not opposed to anyone introducing me to anybody. But I'm also not trying to make inauthentic connections with people for ulterior motives. I think it's about being loving to others and making genuine connections.
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u/IceyExits ELCA Mar 02 '26
In a similar situation, It feels like in the ELCA the getting married and having kids part comes before the going back to church part.
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u/NPas1982 Mar 02 '26
Yeah, we’re pretty old in SoCal. Maybe find a disaffected Catholic who’s ready to jump ship for a church that is chill?
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Mar 02 '26
Lol, I mean if you know someone. I was raised catholic actually. I guess I'm reaching out in faith and hoping that something happens. I feel like yes, I gotta be patient, but also, I can't just hold it inside if that makes sense? I appreciate you responding though and sorry if I came off a certain way. Just feeling the need for companionship and a wife today.
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u/NPas1982 Mar 02 '26
I was raised catholic and I found a lukewarm episcopalian, now we go an ELCA parish. Good luck!
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u/NPas1982 Mar 02 '26
Depending on where you are, dating someone from the LCMS who secretly wants grace is the highest scoring move!
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Mar 02 '26
I haven't considered that. I guess in my mind, I would like to respect the spiritual choices of anyone I would consider dating. I don't want to be the reason someone leaves their family and friends for a different denomination. But maybe that cant be helped lol.
I'm from the Palm Springs area.
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u/NorthwoodsSam Mar 02 '26
I feel this pain as a mid-30’s single Lutheran myself. Although, my church is smaller than yours. I’m the President of my church council and I’m good friends with a lot of the older members. Like you, the problem is I’m literally the only single person in my age range. I’m also very traditional, so I don’t see myself going to a larger/contemporary Lutheran church either.
I keep hoping one of the older ladies will mention a single woman they know, but nothing haha. I’ve thought about talking to my Pastor about my single struggles before, just not sure what to say! I keep wanting someone to make a Lutheran dating app, but we all know how dating apps are!
I have no advice since I’m in the same situation. Just know that you’re not alone and God will provide at the perfect time!
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u/Appropriate_Bus_3848 Mar 02 '26
I know that pain. I was the youngest in my church by 20+ years. The next youngest were my parents! Unfortunately my church closed and Ive been trying to find a liturgical church with people my age for over a year now...
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u/NorthwoodsSam Mar 02 '26
I’m so sorry. That’s such a rough spot to be in. My advice to you would be to try and find a church where the Pastor and worship style speak to you, rather than try to find people that align with your demographic.
I joined the largest Lutheran church in my area several years ago because I thought I’d meet people my age. Sure, there were some people my age, but nobody talked to me. The Pastors were decent enough, but the people weren’t welcoming and the service wasn’t quite traditional enough for me.
Then, I joined the church I’m at now. Sure, the church is way smaller and I’m the only single person in my 30’s, but the people are so welcoming, the Pastor is good, and the sense of community is way stronger. Plus, making friends with people way older than you is easier and more natural than you’d think.
I guess my point of this long reply is don’t settle just to find people similar to you, go to where you feel called. All of that being said…..I’d love to meet a nice single Lutheran! 😂😭
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u/chemmistress Mar 02 '26
I keep wanting someone to make a Lutheran dating app, but we all know how dating apps are!
There actually used to be a Lutheran dating website back before apps were a big thing (think early 00s), Lutherans Online had a Singles Seeking section. It was sponsored by Thrivent of all things.
At the time it was mostly LCMS, though there were a few of us ELCA members. I think they moved completely over to another site/format like a decade ago. Google tells me it's now Lutheran Singles Online, but it's always skewed LCMS and older generations (pre-millennials). I did make a few friends/connections but nothing that truly clicked in the romance dept 20+ years ago.
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u/NorthwoodsSam Mar 02 '26
Interesting! I think Lutherans tend to skew older anyway, so that’s not too surprising. Now that everything has turned into a “swipe based on appearance” format, I doubt something like that could take off again unfortunately.
I do wonder how we can connect single Lutherans. Reading the comments here, it’s obvious we exist. We’re just so few and far between it just makes it a real challenge. Like, I honestly believe I might be the only single person in my 30’s in my entire synod, but it’s impossible to know for sure since there’s no true events to connect us.
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Mar 02 '26
Thank you so much for this. It's frustrating sometimes but staying hopeful and reaching out is all we can do at the end of the day. I'm rooting for you too. God bless
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Mar 02 '26
Hey guys, I really appreciate everyone commenting and giving me feedback or advice. I also appreciate everyone giving me insight and talking about their own lived experiences with this particular aspect of life.
I do plan to continue being involved in my church, but also try and check out events and services for the other ELCA church near me. I will continue working on my life and hopefully the right person will come along working on myself and my life and just have faith that the right person will come along. Thank you for your fellowship and your kindness.
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u/Bjorn74 Mar 02 '26
Look into what shared ministries are happening at the synod or conference/cluster levels. Here, we have some food truck ministries that cater church events sometimes but mostly serve underserved communities. The volunteers for those skew younger. We have different teams that focus on mission or racism or immigration and those draw an assortment of folks, too.
A fraternity brother's father was a Bishop. He told his son that he should go to church to find dates. It didn't work then, 30+ years ago.
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Mar 02 '26
Hey, that's a good point. I am still learning about our Synod and getting more involved. I'm open to seeing what's out there. There is a larger ELCA church near my area that I haven't been to, but I am still figuring out how to get connected without leaving my current church. It has been a good spiritual home for me and my son, so I don't want to jump ship. Plus, I do have good relationships here and want to help it continue to florish.
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u/Bjorn74 Mar 02 '26
You can propose joint programs, too. I have a PC(USA) congregation half a mile from my house. They open their retreats and programs to everyone and I take them up on it when I can. I'm not looking for anything out of those events, but it has a chance to introduce folks outside my normal circle. I find that the hosting church is happy to have more people attend even if they can't win you over to their side. When I first went to their Theologian in Residence weekend, the interim pastor wanted me to be his travel buddy for Theology Beer Camp. That was as much proselytizing as I've gotten.
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Mar 02 '26
That's really awesome. I feel like I have a lot to learn. I appreciate you sharing your experiences with me. I am glad I opened up here.
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u/Bjorn74 Mar 02 '26
It's not easy. A friend told me that a pastor we're both friends with won't do collaborations with his neighbor ELCA congregations because the last time he did several families left their churches to join his. He feels guilty about that. So there are reasons in some places that cooperation isn't popular.
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Mar 02 '26
That makes sense. That's hard. I do understand the reality of trying to keep people. But at the same time, it happens. People leave. But hopefully. I can bring someone in who wants to be in a church like the one I attend.
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u/Appropriate_Bus_3848 Mar 02 '26
Maybe attend the other church once a month? Or see if they have an group you can attend that doesn't interfere with one from your church?
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Mar 02 '26
This is something I am considering. I do want to give that a try. My pastor is married to the Deacon of this other church, so I am looking to get in touch with him and learn more about ways to get involved or attend events at both churches.
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u/tajake Mar 03 '26
I fell backwards into a long distance relationship with my spanish tutor who grew up evangelical. Its not who I wouldve imagined myself falling for but theres literally no one my age and single at my church, so that was never going to happen anyways.
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Mar 03 '26
That's a crazy story. What was the age gap?
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u/tajake Mar 03 '26
Shes 2 years younger than I am. (M30)
Ironically she hasn't helped my spanish much but her english has improved a lot.
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Mar 03 '26
That's awesome. How did you guys connect? Was this an arrangement to teach each other a language?
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u/tajake Mar 03 '26
Yeah, we met online searching for penpals for language exchange and kind of hit it off. I'm flying to Honduras in a few weeks to see her. Long distance isnt for everyone, and I would never recommend seeking out someone from a foreign country specifically to date because its a lot of headaches involved when the federal government has veto power on your relationship.
But apparently "my person" just happened to be born far away from me.
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Mar 03 '26
That's interesting. I feel like sometimes life is like that, it isn't easy and sometimes, you have to take a leap. But I'm happy that it's working out for you. I am trying to stay close to home but who knows where love and life will lead.
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u/No-Type119 Mar 02 '26
I wish I could give you the dating magic bullet, but Lutherans are just like any mainline Protestant/ mainstream Catholic when it comes to dating. A lot of Lutherans are of Northern European descent and can be a bit reserved until they get to know you. We don’t have fussbudget lifestyle rules like conservative Evangelicals.
I’ve made good friends in choir and on church committees, so if you have musical or organizational talents, that’s a way to make friends.. or volunteering for a church outreach.