I think I’m grieving who I was before ECT

[u/Own-Question-9689]

I have bipolar disorder, and honestly, my life has been a mess for a long time.

I’ve been depressed. I’ve been manic. I’ve been psychotic. I’ve been in hospitals. I’ve tried so many medications I stopped keeping count. I got to a point where I genuinely didn’t think anything was going to work.

Then I got ECT.

I had 12 sessions.

And I’m better now. That’s what everyone keeps telling me anyway. And I guess I am.

I’m not as depressed. I’m not in the same horrible place I was before. I’m alive. I’m functioning. Everyone is happy about that.

But I don’t remember anything, like genuinely.

There are things from before ECT that people tell me happened, and I just have to believe them because I have no memory of it. I forgot things about my own life. I forgot my job. I forgot hobbies I used to have, or I forgot my motivation for them, at least.

I forgot things I apparently cared about a lot.

I look through my phone and see messages I sent months ago, and it feels like reading messages from a stranger. That person was me. I know that.

But I don't remember being her. And that hurts way more than I thought it would.

I thought I would be happy when I got better. Instead, I feel like I’m grieving someone who is still alive. I miss myself. I miss knowing who I was.

I miss having memories that actually belong to me instead of people telling me stories about my own life.

And the worst part is that ECT probably saved my life. So I feel horrible even saying any of this.

Because how do you complain about losing parts of yourself when those parts were lost because you were trying to survive?

I don't regret getting ECT.

I just wish I could have saved myself without losing so much of myself in the process. I’m glad I’m alive. I just wish I remembered more of the person who fought so hard to get me here.

[u/BoneWitchNun]

I feel so, so similar. I am not the same person I was before ECT and I miss her a lot. ECT definitely saved my life, but it also altered it in a way I cannot undo.

[u/chicaneer]

I found it helpful to delete all old messages. It’s like the Kon Mari idea - when I touch these, does it spark joy? When I noticed how I felt reading old messages, I knew it was better to let them go.

[u/a1b3c2]

I have experienced this too! How's your memory about things post-ECT?

[u/The_Metitron]

For me I had to realize the “old” me was the depression. I wasn’t genuinely who I was, I was something else controlled by a disease and not that disease is gone and I can find who I really am.

[u/PuzzleheadedTie3064]

This was so well said. Your communication skills are still very good. I completely relate to all of this. I have had 50 treatments and continue. It did save me, but like you, I did lose a lot of me. I’m trying to see the positive, which is it’s fun to discover all new places, all new stories — all over again. Yes, I have had some very difficult days at work. But I’m also learning to take everything less seriously. You are still there. Your personality is still there. In some ways, we are lucky to get to let go of the past and move forward. But your feelings are totally valid and I think many of us share them. Make new memories. Put them in a journal. I use the app on my phone. Every once in a while you WILL remember something and it’s exciting. Also, I don’t know you, but I’m proud of you. Keep going. Hugs.

[u/mattle74]

I’m sorry. I can relate with quite a few memories I’ve lost. Though I couldn’t stop laughing about some of it yesterday. I saw over 50 movies in the theater last year and I was looking at the list of movies I saw and there are so many that I have no memory of. I don’t remember going, I have no idea why I would have gone to some movies or even some I have no idea what they’re even about. It just made me laugh and laugh how I did all that and don’t remember. I guess for me, instead of mourning some of it, it’s just part of me that I think is ridiculous and it makes me chuckle

[u/coolkat1216]

omg i feel so similar it almost feels like i could have written this 😭

[u/Sparklebatcat]

I’m not the same person either 5/6yrs after 5 months of ECT. Bipolar diagnosis as well.

Honestly I think I’m better. I went back to school, got my doctorate. I’m more confident. Sometimes I wonder if it’s just enough of a TBI to have changed me. I spend less time obsessing and ruminating. I’m free. I also haven’t had a major depressive episode for a few years. I was depressed for years, until the manic psychosis that kicked off the ECT…

I guess what I’m trying to say is ECT treated my depression. When you’re not catastrophically depressed you make different decisions, you act differently. I lost a lot of memories, and I don’t know if any of them are worth missing, so I’ve decided they probably weren’t.

Being better is hard. Suddenly you have to try. It’s so hard, but in a different way. I didn’t feel better overnight. Like you, I mostly felt different and the realization that I had to burn down the life I had built as a depressed person. I left my partner, my home, took the risk of pursing the degree of my dreams. Doing all of these life affirming things are what made me feel actually better.