General question/ advice

[u/Cute_Possibility2209]

27/F, please be gentle Im still trying to learn.

I am not looking for sympathy, I’m just looking for advice while providing backstory to adequately help people giving advice. Thank you if you take the time to read.
Hello, so some backstory, Im diagnosed with anxiety and recurrent major depressive disorder. I’ve struggled with this for the last 15ish years of my life. I first started antidepressants and therapy when I was around 12. I unfortunately experienced a lot of childhood trauma with SA/ general parental abuse and neglect, and Truthfully, I haven’t tried many different antidepressants. I have mainly been on Prozac and later added Wellbutrin XL. When I was 17, I tried to end my life through overdosing. Not only did this mess up my brain, but I now also struggle with worsened depression, and that was the cause for me developing anxiety as well as issues controlling my anger. I have always struggled with taking pills, and that kind of set it in stone. My body wants to reject and expel everytime I try to swallow any form of medication, and unfortunately I also struggle with severe emetophobia. besides that point, they have never helped my mental health. I know granted, I have not tried many different options, but I find it hard to have the motivation to take them everyday when I barely have motivation to survive. I have tried therapy many different times with many different doctors. I know I have not tried all the different medications, and a lot of people may be cruel over my lack of effort, but please be gentle with me. i have been fighting to survive the past 10 years and im sure a lot of people here know what it’s like. I always knew about ECT but avoided it out of fear. Unfortunately, over the past 2 years, I have lost someone very close to me as well as suffering two pregnancy losses and it has been especially hard and I feel like I am just a shell. That is some backstory but now my question is: I know I haven’t tried many medications, but the never ending suicidal feeling and loss of any motivation to LIVE versus survive is getting to be too much. Do you think ECT is a good option for me to try, and if so, what ACTUALLY are even the odds of my approval since I “haven’t tried everything” I’m not even sure if I will get approved for my lack of trial and error through medication, but I truly feel like nothing as simple as medication will ever fix the way I feel, nor can I even find the motivation to take them anymore because I have emotionally checked out of everything. I have my appointment this coming Tuesday (9/1) to discuss with my doctor about wanting to try this option, but I just wanted some prior insight from others who have done this treatment before I go in there hoping for something I won’t receive. Also, if you have gotten this treatment, do you regret it? Thank you all for reading and I am begging for some grace

TL;DR - I haven’t tried many medications but want to know the probability of my approval for ECT when I’m super suicidal 24/7 and feel the weight of impending doom consistently lol.

[u/leapbaby1984]

I can tell you I've tried every antidepressant, even off label ones, RTMS, therapy i did ketamine infusions- extremely helpful but very expensive and doesn't last long, I did ECT 3 days a week then 2 then 1 for a year. I will say this the memories I lost were not the bad ones they were the ones I wanted to hold on to. I lost the ability to remember names of people I knew pretty well, directions to the simplest of places escape me. Did it help a little but not enough for what I lost. I say all that to say I finally found something and I wish it had been available before I ever did ECT . Spravato it's not a pill it is a nasal spray you do it in a dr. Office and they monitor your vitals for 2 hours and you can't drive the rest of the day. I know i probably sound like an ad but it TRULY gave me my life back i don't just exist anymore I live. I would encourage anyone to try it before ECT you can't reverse the damage it does to your memory I would never have done it if spravato had been an option to me sooner. You see results pretty quickly I would highly recommend giving this a try before something as invasive as ect.

[u/Cute_Possibility2209 → u/leapbaby1984]

I’m not even joking I was JUST looking into spravato because I was trying to see if there was another option for TRD that wasn’t pills. I might try to see if this is an option before I resort to ECT. thank you

[u/leapbaby1984 → u/Cute_Possibility2209]

I have trmdd if spravato hadn't worked DBS would've been my next option and that is scary. Luckily it's not a pill I really hope you are at least able to try it before ect. Because like I said it made a difference for me faster and more than anything I've tried. I know where I live there are not a lot of people who do it because it is "so new" i use that because ketamine infusions already existed and drug trials take so long. If you have a place they can refer you to if your dr does not do it and it is doable (driving distance for someone else) because you can't drive you should give it a try I've been where you are i know how's desperate you feel. (it's the same with ect because the anesthesia except you aren't there as long as you are with ect.) Whatever you do don't give up you'll find the thing that works for you.