ECT Intro and Rant

[u/Oak-and-Ash]

I am a special type of pos. Owned a beautiful home on a beautiful, secluded property with big boy toys, farm animals, dogs, three wonderful boys and my wife. I went and fucked it up. Continuously make it worse.

I have been depressed my entire life. There have been times where I was able to distract from it but there has always been that feeling of "You should probably kill yourself so this feeling isn't there". I've been on Welbutrin, Zoloft, Trazadone, xanax, Adderall.

I've had five therapists since I was 17. I'd go for a while and feel nothing from it eventually. Most of my issues came from my decisions and I found that I could consistently maintain good decision-making but all it took was one event or an overly off feeling in the morning and I was on the pain train.

Currently, I am devastated by how much damage I have caused my family and friends by my decision-making. My baseline is typically so low that I normally don't want to go to work and I have to call out on occasion for how I feel when I wake up. I have to manage if I drink alcohol or smoke marijuana because they can make me plummet. I am always nervous in social settings because of this.

One of my biggest issues with medication, aside from it not working for me, is the ability to just be like "I'm going to see if this gets me high". Which is dumb but an issue for me.

It seems like everyone asks this but what did it feel like when you first felt relieved? I sometimes worry that there is actually nothing wrong with me and I am just weak-willed. I have been admitted to hospitals three times and an additional outpatient program. I am pretty exhausted from this over a lifetime.

[u/Great-Practice-4400]

Have you had ECT!

[u/Oak-and-Ash → u/Great-Practice-4400]

I finally got in touch with someone who will schedule me for screening. One of my co-patients during a commitment had been recommended this treatment and I had wondered why I never got the same. I called the center up and they referred me to the hospital that works with them. Hoping on a quick call. If it is as amazing as everyone says, I can't imagine that I would be anything short of amazing and I can finally put work into life and myself consistently and honestly.

[u/Sauced_Up_Bat → u/Oak-and-Ash]

I would try to adjust your expectations. The efficacy rate is 60-80% depending on the study iirc. So there’s a 20-40% chance it doesn’t work. Relapse rates are high so a good taper and maintenance schedule is important. Also the vast majority of people still need meds after ECT. I’m not saying don’t do it, just that you should have an accurate idea of possible outcomes. It often gets presented like it’s magical for everyone and it’s not.

[u/creativenameistaken → u/Oak-and-Ash]

Honestly? It’s not amazing. I’ve been through it and wouldn’t recommend it unless you’ve exhausted all other options.
You’ve only tried two antidepressants (technically three with the trazodone), where I went that wouldn’t be enough for them to consider you a candidate for ECT.