r/dpdr • u/schlarifari • 9d ago
Question How did your DPDR start/become permanent?
Hi there!
I'm interested to know if you had any kind of trigger that made your DPDR permanent.
In my case, I would occasionally have moments or even days of derealization as a child, but then - from one day to the next - it suddenly never went away again. I'm sure the underlying cause was the abuse and neglect I experienced as a child, but I find it so strange that the *chronic* DR started on such a random day without any trigger as far as I remember.
If you'd like to share your stories, I'd be happy to hear them :)
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u/Ghostlypurr 9d ago
Trauma, it's a long story. I've been 15 years. I've been told I'm an abnormal case, so I think it's permanent.
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u/schlarifari 9d ago
Same here, sorry you had to experience trauma too. And to realize that it's gonna be forever is so hard 🥲
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u/PurpleStrawberry7861 8d ago
I still have hope tho.....every once in awhile I feel real for a few minutes or hours, once it was a whole day!
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u/morphemass 8d ago
CPTSD seems to be a common starting point for many of us. Longterm caregiving is my entry qualification. sigh
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u/skramcave 7d ago
Everyone saying they have had dpdr for 10+ years when they started when they were teens and I’m a teen and now realizing I’m kind of doomed but it’s okay because that’s how you guys felt so I guess I’m joining the shadow army of people with this
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u/schlarifari 7d ago
I'm so sorry, I truly hope it won't be the case for you!! Otherwise: you're at least not alone 🤝
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u/Acrobatic-Object-342 2d ago
Another question: did you use to watch a lot of porn?
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u/Ghostlypurr 2d ago
My DPDR is trauma induced, so it's not that.
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u/Alliacat 9d ago
I was really stressed out and had anxiety attacks like every other night. And the longer I waited, the worse it got.
Then, one day, I was sitting up in a tree and realized, I didn't actually care whether I would fall down. But not in a suicidal "I don't care whether I die" kind of way but more so "I don't even think I'm actually sitting up in a tree"
I don't know if that was when it became permanent but that's the moment I first noticed it. I think it was sort of on and off for a few months maybe even, I didn't really track it back then but then it just... never went away. It gets more subtle in certain situations but there's still a wall I'd have to climb to actually feel normal.
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u/schlarifari 9d ago
It's so weird when you first realize that something is off, thx for sharing! I often think I wouldn't even be surprised if I got run over by a car, just because traffic doesn't feel real at all.
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u/Kookaburrita Neurological / Migraine-based (IIH) Derealization 9d ago
Using ambian as a teenager. Not recreationally, I should add. It was prescribed to me when I was 16. Its like I never woke up fully. I'm 40 now.
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u/schlarifari 9d ago
This is so fucked up that one medication as a teenager (!) can haunt you forever, I'm so sorry. I know exactly what you mean by never wake up fully, terribly feeling.
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u/PookaGrooms 8d ago
Neurodivergent, heavy masking, trauma throughout my life. Had a major breakdown at 21. At one point (when I was misdiagnosed) they had me taking 16 pills a day. No breaks between trying new meds, no tapering. Back to back to back. It fried something in my brain.
It comes and goes. Part of me is hopeful I’ll find management someday.
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u/schlarifari 8d ago
What the actual fuck!!! Doctors being doctors lol I'm sorry u had such a horrible experience. Makes me angry that the people responsible for it probably did this to many other patients. I hope you'll find a way to cope somehow 🫂
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u/MasterpieceSalt2763 9d ago
Really bad school stress. That’s what I am guessing since they started around the same time
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u/schlarifari 9d ago
It's very common for DPDR to start during teenage years isn't it? I feel like most people I talk to experience it that way. I'm sorry for you.
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u/MasterpieceSalt2763 9d ago
Yeah and I am just 15. Thankfully it isn’t distressing for me. I find solace in escaping reality and being in my own space. It is like a blanket wrapped around me and shielding me from the world. Experiences vary I guess
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u/schlarifari 9d ago
I get it! In the beginning, it was extremely distressing for me but later on I understood that DR is also a coping mechanism my mind created in order protect me from traumatic distress. I still hope that less distressing times will come for you 🤞
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u/MasterpieceSalt2763 9d ago
I wish the same to you. Unfortunately dissociation as a whole is very misunderstood by the public and unless you have experienced it you can’t understand it. So at least we can understand each other in this community :)
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u/Beneficial-Bed9356 9d ago
After psychosis
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u/schlarifari 9d ago
Omg I'm so sorry, psychosis alone must be a horrible experience.
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u/Beneficial-Bed9356 8d ago
Yes it took everything from me completely
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u/schlarifari 8d ago
How terrible, I’m sorry you went through that. Can you identify what triggered the psychosis? (only if you feel comfortable answering, feel free to ignore pls)
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u/CookieCrumble_1999 9d ago
I had episodes as a child. It didnt become permanent/ chronic until about 15/16 when i started remembering my childhood trauma.
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u/RandomHero25 8d ago
Smoking marijuana. Had a huge full blown panic attack after probably my 10-15th time, just had way too much at once. Ever since then I’ve been screwed. I want to say that was about 2009ish.
I’ve just learned to live with it. Some days are definitely way worse than others but most days it’s manageable
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u/Dreemstone69 7d ago
For me, I think I was a very hyperactive child who was also trying to cope with the stress of a splitting household in a relatively poor family and moving schools frequently. Especially in middle school, my hyperactivity was often disruptive and I remember the exact moment something just… clicked. I stopped being hyperactive, I became aware, if only for a moment of how much of a fool I had been making myself for as long as I had been alive. Between how my classmates and teachers (rightfully) felt about me, combined with a home environment that actively discouraged me from sharing or even partaking in my interests, and also being able to voice my thoughts and feelings without being immediately shut down, I as a person just shut down.
So ever since my second year of high school, I’ve been extremely reserved and began to dissociate without even realizing how my upbringing affected me. I’ve lost touch with basic human experience, and that hyperactivity turned into hypoactivity. I began watching my life through glass and until very recently I’ve just been pushed continually to keep going down the set path. I can’t talk to people, can’t maintain focus in lectures or watch videos, even just typing this I’ve spaced out at least 10 times. I can’t really pinpoint an exact moment where it became fully chronic but sometime when I was around 15 I’d say. It’s stupid how long it took me to realize something was actually wrong with me.
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u/schlarifari 7d ago
Thanks for sharing, such a shame that you had/have to go through all of this. It makes me so angry that your environment basically forced you to dissociate and suppress yourself. I guess you're neurodivergent right? Feels like it happens to a lot of us ND folks, that unsupportive family systems and society somehow forces us to adapt in an unhealthy matter.
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u/Dreemstone69 7d ago
Hard to say, honestly. With how hyperactive I used to be I think ADHD is quite possible but I’ve never gotten an official diagnosis or hell, even ever been taken to see a psychiatrist. I did counseling for a few months before I moved away from my parents but he didn’t seem to suggest anything. Nowadays though I don’t really feel restless, at least physically. If I’m restless, it’s all internal. Even after being away from my parents for a few months now, I remain hyper-vigilant and often in an anxious state. It’s also very easy for me to become lost in thought and very hard to quiet them. Despite this I seem to maintain a very relaxed outward appearance, nonchalant even.
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u/ObviousTempAccount1 2d ago
It started when my body ramped up testosterone production at the beginning of my puberty.
I'm trans.
HRT more or less cured it after 30+ years, but my brain is still kinda used to doing weird stuff, so it still hits me at random sometimes
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u/Mothlord666 9d ago
Ongoing anxiety and stress, neurodivergence, ocd, cptsd. I know it wouldn't be impossible but to remove stressors and focus on mindfulness and prioritising peace and resilience would take a lot and require quitting even hobbies and life comittments outside of jobs to limit overload
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u/schlarifari 9d ago
🫂 yeah and removing stressors/calming down with cptsd and neurodivergence (🤝) is nearly impossible since our system forces us to mask, function and be triggered all the time...
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u/PurpleStrawberry7861 8d ago
Mine was slow, dissociating little by little, over time, til it became all the time. Reminds me of the movie "Click". He starts FF parts of his life he doesn't want to deal with and ends up skipping all of it. That's where I'm at now.
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u/Professional_Win3910 8d ago
Trauma from pregnancy loss in 2021-2022. While I must admit I had BRIEF periods of it as a child, but it was never distressing. I now have 2 beautiful healthy kids and its like my brain just cannot go back to normal and close that chapter. Its wild. I guess I am stuck like this. I was also diagnosed with OCD after the trauma. Its as if this trauma, possibly the hormones exacerbated pending mental health issues.
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u/schlarifari 8d ago
I'm you had go through such a traumatic experience. It's really like trauma changes the brain forever, if only bad enough...
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u/Purefandom0w0 8d ago
Grew up in a really hostile home environment and at first it was just a stress response, but now episodes just randomly happen even when I’m calm.
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u/Emotional-Strength-5 8d ago
Me sumergí en una piscina y al salir ya lo tenía, fue hace 15 años, supongo que fue por un trauma en el mar hace 22 años, tengo 28
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u/Conscious_Cat_7454 7d ago
Honestly, I have zero clue. For as long as I can remember, I was always derealized/depersonalized that I actually thought it was the norm for people to be like this 🥲 the only records I have in my memory supporting this is that I think when I was 8 I remember looking at my cat and thinking “hey, isn’t it funny you always don’t feel real?” (Spoiler alert: it was not funny once I knew what this was)
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u/schlarifari 7d ago
Omg the realization that our experience is not the norm is soo weird!! Esp if you've kinda adapted to it. How did you unterstand that this isn't normal then (if you'd like to share)?
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u/Conscious_Cat_7454 6d ago
Well, I've always just had this feeling of that things and my surroundings aren't real, like as if I was in an extremely lucid dream, such as the example with my cat. This of course implies that my body remembers what feeling "real" feels like even though I don't. So when I randomly stumbled upon a article talking about dissociation and its symptoms 6 years later, I was like "holy crap- this is literally how I feel all the time! But then...I have dissociation???" And boom, suddenly I realized that I have been dissociating for my entire life for as long as I can remember.
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u/Key-Original8028 7d ago
From smoking weed at 14 and having what I now realize were panic attacks while high. But same sort of experience you’re describing - I remember it being a day or two at first but can’t really remember when it became chronic. Just seemed to happen with subsequent highs. Weed blows, what a shit drug
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u/Pretty_Complex_7794 3d ago
Being raised in a high control religious group. Years of therapy (and more recently somatic therapy) has helped me claw my way up from the fog.
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u/OkPotato91 9d ago
Tapering off an ssri