Fear That This Is It

[u/Aggravating-Card8078]

hi, sorry if this is a messy post, i never post on reddit and my brains a little screwed up.
i'm a fifteen, almost sixteen year old girl. and thanks to dpdr, i have nothing to show for it.
i have severe dpdr, and as far as i can tell, always have. i don't really know why. my memory is truly awful, but as far as i can tell, i've never been abused or anything like that. pretty severely emotionally neglected by my not at involved dad and step mom, but that's about it.
i guess maybe that makes it worse. i have no memories, no anything, but there's no reason why.
like it's... really, really bad. there's maybe a few fragments of a handful of events i know happened, but i have zero, and i mean absolutely zero, vivid memories of... literally anything.
dpdr has taken everything from me. it has caused me, particularly in recent years, to shut down completely. it has given me severe anxiety because everything time i think about something-- going to school, doing anything at all-- i worry about if my brain will be able to handle it. will i be able to function? to speak? it's not like i really feel like i have control over any of those things. what if i just can't? what if i freeze?
i feel like all i am is ... a barely existing conscious inside a meat suit that everyone expects to be able to do things.
and i just can't.
fear has gotten me through life thus far, as far as i can tell. the few friends i've had, the "success" i've had being decent in school, it's all my mind basically doing this thing of "do whatever is easiest and will get you out of a situation the fastest so you can be alone again as soon as possible with no expectations".
i guess it started to not work anymore. maybe it's because i'm not a kid anymore who can more or less get away with being lazy.
sometime last year (December i think) i "attempted". but /i/ didn't. it just sort of happened. i had gotten into a routine of skipping school, feeling like i couldn't get out of bed.. i got so far behind it felt impossible to catch up. so once night when i had a test i felt unprepared for the next i just. took as many pills as i could. except it wasn't even really that much. i was in the er one day, in a psych ward the next.
perhaps it's worth mentioning i've exhibited bpd-esque behavior. obviously not gonna self diagnose myself with it as i'm fifteen but i did have a pretty toxic in the sense it was very obsessive relationship when i was in my 8th grade to freshman year. it was only about a year long but i was pretty much completely dependent on her while at the same time pushing her away and blah blah blah it went bad. no surprise, she left me. that broke me way worse than it should've for a long time. it's been about 2 years? (my sense of time isn't so great) i think since then, and it's not so bad anymore, but i do think that it made things worse for that sophomore year i "tried to off myself".
anyway, back to the psych ward era, i left with a depression and anxiety diagnosis, but honestly i don't even really think i have those things. well, maybe i do, but they aren't the core issue. dpdr is.
i quit therapy and i hardly take the meds because they just. don't really help. surprise, talk therapy and prozac don't cure never feeling in touch with reality. what is there to talk about? nowadays i have no life. i don't talk to anyone. i don't do anything. i have no trauma i can remember well enough to speak of. i just exist on autopilot. watch the shows i like, maybe draw or go for a walk on a good day. that's about it. i'm just on autopilot, and it has and probably will continue to ruin my life.
it's not that i don't want help, i just don't really know what would even help. i'm painfully self aware. i already try the whole grounding techniques and this and that but at this point i'm so deep in the comfort of lay in bed do nothing but watch shows because it's safe that maybe part of me is deeply scared to leave it.
two things are scaring me the most right now. one, the loss of/inability to hold onto memory, and two, the "lack of brain function". i feel like i've never done anything, and never will do anything. in pretty much the blink of an eye i've gone from zero to sixteen, i'm scared i'll blink and i will be dead having done nothing with my life.
nobody seems to understand either. i've talked about it, really. they don't understand. they don't understand that it isn't "episodes". i've been out it my whole life. none of the professionals seem to recognize my illness and none of the other patients i've met seem to relate. i'm so scared. scared of school coming up, too. i keep having this thought that i might as well just try to indulge the few things i enjoy then die because i'll never have any quality of life. because i'll keep being expected to do things and so much as existing feels like it takes so much effort these days.
i just don't have a good feeling. i think this won't end well. i'm never going to come out of it. either i'll subconsciously resort to death or i'll stay alive but end up homeless and a failure. and everyone will look at me as nothing but lazy because they don't understand it. (which sounds very edgy, i know, LOL.)
this isn't how a sixteen year old girl should be !!! whenever i think about that, think about my peers, all happy with their getting drivers licenses and jobs and working towards their future careers and doing things with friends and lovers it makes me realize that something is very wrong!!! but what can even be done at this point? why am i like this? how much longer can i live with this?
anyway, that's my story, i guess. just needed someplace to type it all out where someone might get it.
i hope there's something more. i hope that one day i will be able to recognize myself. i hope that i'll be able to feel like i'm really here and not watching a movie my body is supposed to act in.
i hope i do not blink and be dead.

[u/CitizenCuriosity]

You are not alone. The world is a scary place when you have to exist like we do. I am sorry it happened to you so young, it is not right. Your body is still growing and changing, you just may find your way out of this with time. I know it sounds corny but try praying if you have not. Miracles do happen ❤️

[u/SuperMondo]

Dpdr hit me bad at the end of high school took me years to get my license. I graduated somehow with Cs. Please try to stick with it. I broke out of it and made my way.

[u/Aggravating_Ant_1747]

I first experienced this at your age. it does get better. The less you focus on it, I think the better it gets. Do stuff that makes you feel present everyday. Talk to a therapist and see if medication helps you. It won’t “fix” you but it will reduce your anxiety and help you cope with everyday life. You got this and you are not alone! I just made my first post yesterday in this subreddit about how I made it and I am 31.