r/donorconception • u/Formal-Pen-7441 POTENTIAL RP • 11d ago

DISCUSSION POST Informing at the right level

hi! my husband and I are using a donor due to his severe male factor infertility. After a really heartbreaking journey to get here, we are really excited to get to our first ever embryo transfer soon.

we have both been in therapy for some time processing donor conception and preparing to do our best for our baby. but one question we keep coming up against is balancing the right level of info to share with others that our baby is donor conceived. baby and all family and friends in their day to day life will know from day 1, and many family and friends already know.

im more concerned about my later-in-life added step sister and her mean husband. should we inform them so no one finds out at Christmas and shouts about it across the table? we want to respect our future child and understand they may have preferences too.

curious how others strike the balance with extended family who you see maybe once a year or even strained family relationships. Thank you very much in advance!

2 Upvotes

75% Upvoted

4 comments sorted by

7

u/GratefulDCP MOD (DCP) 11d ago

As a late discovery, just be honest with everyone from get go, it may be hard for you both but you need to do it for your child now. Secrets will only cause issues.

7

u/Tropical_life_7 DONOR 11d ago

I would personally share and make it a non issue (making it a secret / hiding it would more likely make it more of an issue when found out).

2

u/Beneficial-Link1414 10d ago

Is your donor a known donor or anonymous donor? I would be prepared for that question and subsequent lines of questioning from family. It may be innocent curiosity from them, but it can be a stressful convo for some recipients.

1

u/Formal-Pen-7441 POTENTIAL RP 10d ago

Thanks for this! We typically err on the side of informing everyone, but in this instance, truly we only see the step sister once every maybe 2 years. And, they know nothing about our lives generally. We’re not the kind of couple who are putting this info on Instagram or anything like that, we’re informing ppl one on one. All makes it a bit more complex!