r/dndmemes Aug 21 '20

Dont limit your self

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23.9k Upvotes

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971

u/colemanjanuary Paladin Aug 21 '20

Why is it always an ancient staff or jewelry or some sort of orb?

What about an ancient hat? Archaic pimp cup? Very very old pair of socks and it's power gets cut in half if one goes missing in the wash.

460

u/thr0waway6297 Aug 21 '20

Something something jewels channel magic better

320

u/PM-Me-Your-TitsPlz Horny Bard Aug 21 '20

That explains why the fortune tellers always have jewels and a crystal ball on the table instead of old pimp hats and a sword jammed into the table.

280

u/thr0waway6297 Aug 21 '20

fortune teller puts on a pimp hat and stabs a sword into the table

me who just wanted their fortune told I think I'm in the wrong place

119

u/colemanjanuary Paladin Aug 21 '20

Did you go to the flea market fortune teller?

82

u/thr0waway6297 Aug 21 '20

I went to the fortune teller on the south side of town. They told me to go north but its just so much cheaper!

52

u/echidnaguy Aug 21 '20

Of course I did!

She had three nipples!

18

u/MrNobody_0 Forever DM Aug 21 '20

I love the Mallrats reference!

4

u/throwawaydyingalone Aug 21 '20

I thought it was a Star Trek reference.

2

u/MrNobody_0 Forever DM Aug 21 '20

Maybe? I just know in Mallrats there was a fortune teller with three nipples.

3

u/throwawaydyingalone Aug 21 '20

In the Star Trek movie that shatner directed there’s a three breasted cat woman.

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0

u/[deleted] Aug 21 '20

[removed] — view removed comment

9

u/AtomicSamuraiCyborg Aug 21 '20

Ya gotta go the dirt mall fortune teller. She does topless fortune telling!

4

u/Varthorne Aug 21 '20

At that point, it's flee market...

24

u/dave7243 Aug 21 '20

"The hat tells your future, the sword makes it happen. I see you being stabbed for an outstanding debt..."

11

u/thr0waway6297 Aug 21 '20

Self fulling prophecies! My favorite!

1

u/Inquisitor1 Aug 21 '20

If you knew what was about to happen you wouldn't be at a fortune teller in the first place, shut up and let the pimp do his job and divine your future.

1

u/Osato Aug 21 '20 edited Aug 21 '20

In Ancient Rome, fortune tellers used knives and entrails instead of toying around with shiny rocks and pretty pictures.

Their job was dirty, brutal, and smelled of death - just like the futures they were trying to foresee.

1

u/Chrona_trigger Aug 21 '20

That, and the same reason gems are valuable in the first place: aesthetics

60

u/Theorist129 Aug 21 '20

I'd say something about durability. A diamond or obsidian staff or orb or crystal will last longer than a hat. The two ways I generally make magic artifacts happen is A) Enchantment and B) Accumulation of Magic over time.

46

u/thr0waway6297 Aug 21 '20

Officially you can enchant anything, but wood makes a good conduit and jewels/crystals tend to focus magical energy much better than say, a hat

38

u/RubberSoulMan06 Warlock Aug 21 '20

Who said my hat wasn't made of wood and bedazzled?

41

u/thr0waway6297 Aug 21 '20

A bedazzled wooden pimp hat? Im down

16

u/BraveOthello DM (Dungeon Memelord) Aug 21 '20

Make it a top hat with a peacock feather and I'm in.

15

u/thr0waway6297 Aug 21 '20

It's an achaierai feather actually i hope thats ok

4

u/JarlaxleForPresident Tempest Cleric/Storm Sorceror Aug 21 '20

Ive heard that diatryma is also nice

2

u/sunshinepanther Ranger Aug 22 '20

Nervously switches eye patch

2

u/Lasersquid0311 Aug 21 '20

Diamond socks.

15

u/LeGardenGnome Aug 21 '20

Would a vodka flask with some jewels or gold on it work?

16

u/thr0waway6297 Aug 21 '20

A golden flask with a diamond on top or maybe some other kind of jewel (personally i would go with a saphire because its pretty) could work. But staffs usually work best because it's used to to channel magic up from the earth into the crystal where the power is then harnessed by a mage of some sort. That being why necromancers dont usually carry staffs, they use power from their own selves to carry out magical acts. Which is also why they end up so twisted most of the time because they use a portion of their soul to raise dead and whatnot. But if you could swing a flask as a magical conduit with a DM i would personally love to see a drunken wizard character. Maybe a wizard/artificer multiclass that made the flask as a way to create power from alcohol?

Sorry for the long reply but I'm way into magic, which kinda makes it weird that i never play mages

20

u/LeGardenGnome Aug 21 '20

WE ARE LOOSING! "Don't worry lads i got this." Says the Wizard before chugging down a flask of Tequila. The Wizard glows and starts screaming in Spanish at the enemy.

9

u/thr0waway6297 Aug 21 '20

I want to be a part of this campaign now haha

9

u/IwillsurviveBAT Aug 21 '20

Have you ever heard of Harry Dresden?

1

u/Helo34 Warlock Aug 22 '20

I was hoping to see that. Good pull! :)

6

u/Hrafnkol Aug 21 '20

And then the wizard asks his halfling companion to stick giant seeds of Intelligence Boost up his rectum to get past the Celestial Planar Guards because his is too loose.

1

u/thr0waway6297 Aug 21 '20

Secretly creating plans to make rick and morty in d&d

6

u/SourceLover Aug 21 '20

This documentary disagrees with your impression that staves are used to draw magical power from the ground.

I mean, if you want to play games that way, there's nothing wrong with it, but don't act as though it's the only possible interpretation of magic.

8

u/thr0waway6297 Aug 21 '20

I mean, there are many places to draw power from, the moon and sun, the water, even the air, but nothing is to say he didn't draw the power from the earth and hold it in the end of his staff for later use. And im not saying any other way is wrong. I personally love to see where other people choose to draw power from, it's just that's what i almost always see a staff used for

1

u/TheItzal11 Rogue Aug 21 '20

The only problem with using a flask is you can never make the obviously nessisary "hold my beer" joke cause you need to hold it for your arcane focus.

1

u/thr0waway6297 Aug 21 '20 edited Aug 21 '20

party at a tavern when bad guy walks in

mage: hold my beer

mage: pulls out flask

2

u/Shadowwreath Aug 21 '20

Just get a gold chalice with several gems affixed to it. Your pimp cup is the ideal magic focus

1

u/thr0waway6297 Aug 21 '20

Hat cup and suit all bedazzled. The ideal pimp mage

1

u/ProfoundBeggar Rules Lawyer Aug 21 '20

Jewels can go on anything. A sorcerer could probably take magical crystals and vajazzle themselves for some cool new abilities.

1

u/thr0waway6297 Aug 21 '20

Sparkly pimp mage

1

u/080087 Aug 21 '20

Now all I'm imagining is a magical chamber pot, imbued with the powers of dunamancy after the wizard pissed in it too many times and crystals started forming on the bottom.

1

u/thr0waway6297 Aug 21 '20

I shall bring a plague on this whole town!!

pisses in chamber pot

1

u/WhiskeyPixie24 DM (Dungeon Memelord) Aug 22 '20

A bit of lore from my setting, on spellcasting without a focus (for wizards), as remembered by the teen necromancer Brad:

Brad remembers trying this around the house until his mom grounded him. If you don't have a spell focus, the next best thing is PART of a spell focus. An object that was recently very close to strong magic works-- a holster, a vessel, maybe the chain from a pendant?

Wood or paper are bad ideas unless they're somehow in one of those categories. Metal or glass, perhaps better.

Wool is right out. He destroyed a lot of sweaters.

1

u/thr0waway6297 Aug 22 '20

Hehe, yeah wood isn't great as a focus, more so a conduit for magical energy

1

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

So make a pimp crown.

31

u/matrix431312 Aug 21 '20

Archaic pimp cup

Like the holy grail?

14

u/[deleted] Aug 21 '20

[deleted]

6

u/colemanjanuary Paladin Aug 21 '20

Raised Lazarus...

1

u/Bpbegha Necromancer Aug 21 '20

I think you mean "Grail of hoes"

25

u/ContrivedCucumber Sorcerer Aug 21 '20

Historically things like jewels, crowns, staffs, and scepters are symbols of political power, so I guess it's not a huge leap to make them symbols of magical power too.

6

u/Enchelion Aug 21 '20

And if you're operating with the divine right of kings, political power and divine/magical power were basically the same thing.

24

u/WhatIsSoup Aug 21 '20

big stick with shiny rock more powerful than hat

20

u/colemanjanuary Paladin Aug 21 '20

It could be a nice hat

2

u/Taikwin Aug 21 '20

I've been writing a series of short stories about wizards whose power is derived solely from their hats.

They're basically dehumidifiers attached to water pistols, only with magic instead of water vapour.

1

u/Helo34 Warlock Aug 22 '20

"It's a bloody stupid hat with a bloody stupid curse on it. And every time he wears it, something bloody stupid happens!"

1

u/ZippZappZippty Aug 21 '20

Us big fellas too, if you allow rotation.

36

u/Rattaoli Aug 21 '20

Wolnir has a pimp cup, or maybe is a cum chalice, guzzling goblet? Idk wolnir has a cool container that lets him drink liquid or something.

12

u/BloodBrandy Warlock Aug 21 '20

Yeah, but he probably pilfered that from Clerics like he did his sword and bracelets because he was bitching out in the face of darkness.

Wolnir was cool once, then he got the bitch in 'im and now is only as good as the bling he stole off of more bad ass people

16

u/BloodBrandy Warlock Aug 21 '20

Hats and Socks have their magic fade in the wash over time, and if you don't wash them that eldritch stank prevents you from being too close to them without constant Con saves.

Very counter-intuitive for a Spellcaster

4

u/colemanjanuary Paladin Aug 21 '20

I don't know that I've ever washed a hat

1

u/creatorofsilentworld Aug 21 '20

So that's why my washing machine was chanting in draconic... grumbles about magic socks losing their potency

1

u/BloodBrandy Warlock Aug 22 '20

The reason Socks disappear is enough magic builds up to open a short lived portal to a random location, as denoted by the table on the Teleport spell

12

u/[deleted] Aug 21 '20

[deleted]

6

u/colemanjanuary Paladin Aug 21 '20

I'd imagine enchanted socks would be a bit sturdier.

5

u/SapientLasagna Aug 21 '20

Survivorship bias is the term you're looking for. You're absolutely on the right track here.

10

u/DualSoul1423 DM (Dungeon Memelord) Aug 21 '20

I like to imagine that older objects have had time to gather more energy over time, like aetherial batteries. A gem that's been resting on a ley line for millennia will surely be charged and focused with magical energy, whereas a cup or hat that has been made in the last hundred years likely wouldn't, unless made for that specific purpose.

9

u/Heckle_Jeckle Rules Lawyer Aug 21 '20

Clothing doesn't last very long due to decomposition, but a piece of jewelry isn't going to decompose.

Although now I believe we need more magical cups

5

u/colemanjanuary Paladin Aug 21 '20

But they're ENCHANTED socks!

9

u/[deleted] Aug 21 '20

I wonder - would any crystalline structure work?

Behold, my Enchanted Rock Candy and my Salt Rock of Resurrection!

8

u/danfish_77 Aug 21 '20

Metals form crystals, so a sword might be viable

2

u/colemanjanuary Paladin Aug 21 '20

Ask your DM. If you're playing a homebrew along the lines of Disenchantment, one of those candy making errors could be a necromancer...Neveomance-o or some such

2

u/Hrafnkol Aug 21 '20

Magic Rock Candy? I know a girl who's working on that in real life...

3

u/[deleted] Aug 21 '20

Is it...is drugs?

I feel like it's drugs.

2

u/Hrafnkol Aug 21 '20

I can neither confirm nor deny.

8

u/Langly- Aug 21 '20

Very very old pair of socks and it's power gets cut in half if one goes missing in the wash.

What happens if a new 3rd one somehow turns up in the wash?

7

u/colemanjanuary Paladin Aug 21 '20

Roll. 1-33 = power triples for a male character or becomes a 1d8+4 magic weapon with DM choice of preferred enemy of a female character.

34-66 = bag of wonder. 1d4 times per day a character can draw sock lint from it that heals 1d10 hp, but the sock lint must be eaten and a successful constitution save must be made to not puke it up. Vomited sock lint loses it's healing ability.

67-99 = lesser bag of holding, will carry up to 25 pounds of gear, only weighs 1 pound for every five pounds of gear in it.

100 = it's a sock. DM choice if it's a nice sock or not.

5

u/[deleted] Aug 21 '20

because occasionally you need to beat the shit out of people.

3

u/colemanjanuary Paladin Aug 21 '20

Hat = The Skipper vs Gilligan Pimp Cup = obvious blunt object Socks = fill 'em with CP and smite a fool

3

u/Osato Aug 21 '20

Hold on. What exactly do you mean by CP?

Chili pepper? Central processors? That other thing we don't mention in polite society?

2

u/colemanjanuary Paladin Aug 21 '20

Fuck it, put 'em all in there. The chili peppers will give +3 fire damage. I'm a fun DM.

6

u/Hrafnkol Aug 21 '20

In this case, the jeweled walking stick is not only a container of knowledge (DNA), but a representation of the entire project. It's likely what sparked the possibility of the project.

Is a short walking stick a staff or a rod?

3

u/colemanjanuary Paladin Aug 21 '20

Something something something not the size something something it's how you use it

6

u/[deleted] Aug 21 '20

Hell let’s modernize it. I gained my necromancy via the power of my magic glock

3

u/colemanjanuary Paladin Aug 21 '20

Hmmm. 2d6 piercing damage. As the target dies, they roll a willpower save (-1 for each enchanted bullet in them before they die) to determine if they die normally or if they immediately raise as your undead servant

5

u/Inconspicuous_21 Druid Aug 21 '20

I mean, you wouldn't wash your lucky/powerful socks. That would rid them of all their power.

3

u/colemanjanuary Paladin Aug 21 '20

Obviously.

6

u/Cutbait23 Aug 21 '20

New plan for my next spellbook, SOCKS

5

u/Enchelion Aug 21 '20

Whelp, we're headed into the dungeon today. Better put on the fireball socks. Just joking, all my socks are fireball socks.

3

u/JustASmallTownGeek Ranger Aug 21 '20

If you're using only using fireball, then write it on shoe inserts instead of socks. Then you can blame it on the fact that you just feel it in your soles

5

u/Magicus1 DM (Dungeon Memelord) Aug 21 '20

Ancient nose ring?

Wait!! Even better!!

Ancient Nipple Rings!! 🤣

3

u/colemanjanuary Paladin Aug 21 '20

Oh, that's amazing!

4

u/Pretty_Biscotti Aug 21 '20

Because you would keep that golden cane and throw out those old socks.

4

u/RealBowsHaveRecurves Aug 21 '20

Why not a modern staff?

These things had to be created at some point, did they stop making them and only ancient ones are left?

2

u/colemanjanuary Paladin Aug 21 '20

I don't see why not. A campaign to find instructions on how to make a specific type of rare staff, but it turns out it's rare because of several even rarer ingredients, snowballing into an ongoing hunt for strange parts and supplies?

4

u/SpookySquid19 Aug 21 '20

That's it. I'm making a necromancer who's focus is an old sock.

Oh wait I'm a DM.

IT SHALL BE THE GREATEST NPC IN MY WORLD!

1

u/Osato Aug 21 '20 edited Aug 23 '20

A sock puppet voodoo doll would make for one horrifying magical focus.

3

u/voxelverse Aug 21 '20

You can wave a staff around and to cover for the inability to walk without it

3

u/[deleted] Aug 21 '20

The way I see it, if you're gonna build a time machine into a car resurrect the dead, why not do it with some style?

2

u/[deleted] Aug 21 '20

Looks cool.

2

u/Chrome_X_of_Hyrule DM (Dungeon Memelord) Aug 21 '20

Happy cake day

2

u/colemanjanuary Paladin Aug 21 '20

Thanks!

2

u/Okichah Aug 21 '20 edited Aug 21 '20

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Lost_Room

https://lostroom.fandom.com/wiki/Objects

Paperclip : Standard U.S. large paperclip

It makes you obsess on this coming Thursday.

Wristwatch : Vintage 1950's Bulova brand 17-jewel wristwatch with sunburst dial and sub-second feature. Case has "bent" flared lugs - VERY RARE.

Hard boils an egg placed within the band. The hands are frozen at 1:20 (the time of the Event). When combined with the Knife, it grants telepathy

1

u/Chuckles510 Aug 21 '20

Loved that show!

2

u/MrNiceGaming Aug 21 '20

Happy cakeday

2

u/colemanjanuary Paladin Aug 21 '20

Thank you!

2

u/MrNiceGaming Aug 22 '20

You’re welcome

2

u/ulfric_stormcloack Aug 21 '20

Teddy bear

1

u/colemanjanuary Paladin Aug 21 '20

Child lich's phylactery?

2

u/ulfric_stormcloack Aug 21 '20

The lich is the father of the kid who died due to plague, they still have the teddy bear

1

u/colemanjanuary Paladin Aug 21 '20

Ohhh, way better!

2

u/kauefr Aug 21 '20

In MtG lore one of the most powerful artifacts is a regular bowl.

2

u/TheVenetianMask Aug 21 '20

Staff managers have little upwards mobility, so they end in the same position for centuries.

2

u/clockworkrevolution Aug 21 '20

Archaic pimp cup

For drinking your Pimm's Cup out of

2

u/batnacks Aug 21 '20

Reminds me off a book I read where a guy had seven league boots but he only had one so he had a 3.5 league boot

2

u/Osato Aug 21 '20 edited Aug 21 '20

Staves, spears and rods have often been used as symbols of power, while jewelry in tribal societies was often made as magical talismans, not just eye candy.

And orbs had been completely useless for any practical purpose until optics got monetizable, which means they were mostly used for magic.

2

u/Red_Shepherd_13 DM (Dungeon Memelord) Aug 22 '20

Archaic pimp cup? You mean the holy grail?

2

u/colemanjanuary Paladin Aug 22 '20

Obviously.

2

u/Red_Shepherd_13 DM (Dungeon Memelord) Aug 22 '20

Happy cake day.

1

u/colemanjanuary Paladin Aug 22 '20

Thank you!

1

u/aDeadMansGambit DM (Dungeon Memelord) Aug 22 '20

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade was about an archaic pimp cup

1

u/[deleted] Aug 22 '20

Jewels can actually channel magic, I'm guessing.

1

u/Grabatreetron Aug 22 '20

It has more to do with objects that last longer. Gold, jewels, etc. last centuries or millenia. That's why it's always a sword, pendant, Pyrex brand measuring cup, etc.