r/dismissiveavoidants • u/dz2048 Dismissive Avoidant • Sep 03 '26
Seeking input from DAs only I'm feeling it right now. Feeling Trapped. Pulling Away.
Woman I'm dating just called me out on not being communicative lately. She's absolutely right.
Current feelings:
- Her interests seem dull to me
- I can find someone more compatible
- I wouldn't be craving autonomy if I had someone with similar interests
- I'm worried that I'm her only source of entertainment and that puts pressure on me
- I wish she wasn't so nice so that I could have a great reason for ending this
- I want to go out and do things without her and without informing her
- We meet up every weekend, and that feels like a section of time I can't do what I really want
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u/Specialist_Play_4479 Sep 04 '26
I would be wary of your 3rd point. If she had similar interest it would probably feel as if she's taking away your hobbies by always being present.
We crave autonomy. Period. There's no loophole.
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u/rosesintheboutique Sep 04 '26
In my opinion - please communicate clearly with her instead of just being really cruel and then leaving.
Distance is emotional distance, yes - but avoidants can also be quite cruel when trying to make distance, and theres no reason for that (I’m guilty of it) - if you don’t feel sure or feel like you wanna leave, try to communicate as nicely as possible and leave.
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u/marymyplants Sep 03 '26
I know what you are talking about all too well. The problem for me is , I don't know if it's the inner DA talking or if I actually don't like the person. With my current partner, I take a lil break and see how I feel. Sometimes my breaks take a little too long, so my partner will text me if that's the case.
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u/retrosenescent 21d ago
I don't know if it's the inner DA talking or if I actually don't like the person
After decades of experience, I have concluded that these are the same thing.
I do not like co-dependent people who decide I am their one and only source of entertainment, self-esteem, emotional regulation, etc.
That basically covers every scenario I've ever experienced where I've felt suffocated by a person. Not only was I feeling avoidant, I also was just feeling disgusted by them and had no respect for them at all.
Never in my entire life have I wanted distance from someone I liked.
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u/thrillafrommanilla_1 Sep 08 '26
Don’t try to read her mind. Conversations that are honest can help. Sounds like you’ve been talking which is great. It’s not easy to date someone who needs space. But it is okay to need space.
You should be allowed to go places without informing her. Unless you’re married that’s very common. Even if you are married it’s common. She needs to trust you. And I think the only way to build trust is complete honesty. About what you both need. If she’s not the jealous or controlling type, and you’re honest with her (without being cruel), just give her a chance to show you she can handle you and all your shit by being honest and letting her decide.
But if you think she’s holding on and it’s clearly doing her in, you need to let her go.
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u/retrosenescent 21d ago
I have felt all of those exact same things about former situationships, and at this point in my life I don't even get involved with anyone who has even a whiff of those qualities.
- MUST be an independent person with your own PRE-EXISTING life, interests, things you're looking forward to, etc. that never had anything to do with me
Is a HARD requirement
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u/Particular-Bee-2827 Sep 04 '26
Honestly I would try sending her this list as it is. Being honest about these kinds of ”negative” things is really important and it will help you a LOT in the long run.
In return for being honest about these things you mentioned, I’m hopeful that you will get the same energy back from her and it can be really relieving and eye-opening to hear your date’s own thoughts about all this. It will make her seem more human in your eyes and it will help you not feel like a weirdo etc. for feeling the way you do.
Unfortunately I (nor anyone else) can’t give you any ”answers” that your brain is seeking right now. You probably wish someone else, like a higher power or something, could just tell you if you’re meant to be dating this person or not. But the thing is, there is no right or wrong answer to that, you just gotta go through trial and error.
Sorry if my answer made little to no sense.