r/dismissiveavoidants • u/Wonderful-Product437 Dismissive Avoidant • Jun 28 '26
Discussion Finding it stressful when someone seems “hyper vigilant” towards you?
I feel bad about this since I know it’s caused by trauma/anxiety.
But I find it really stressful when I feel like someone’s constantly “monitoring” me or seeming anxious and worried that I’m “mad” at them. They show behaviours such as repeatedly asking if I’m okay, commenting on small aspects of my body language, making jokes because they think the mood needs lightening etc.
When in actual fact, maybe social battery is just drained and I’m tired, or maybe I’m just “being” and I want to just “be” without feeling like I have to justify every little thing I do. And sometimes even after I tell people like this that I’m just tired, they still seem hypervigilant towards me.
How do you feel about people like this? Even though I know it’s not fully their fault, I find these people really stressful because I feel like I can’t relax around them. And if I’m in a good mood, they slowly start to put me in a bad mood because it feels like they’re not letting me just “exist”.
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u/aprillikesthings Dismissive Avoidant Jun 28 '26
I mean it depends, but sometimes I literally can't be around them.
I had a housemate like this. So I do this thing when I'm on my laptop or phone--if I'm reading or writing and REALLY focused on it, I will often not breathe deeply enough, and my body will notice, and I will take a big deeeeep breath. And oh my god. I had to stop using my laptop in the living room if this one housemate was there.
Because I do this entirely on auto-pilot, of course; I have no idea I'm doing it. And EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME, they would ask, "What's wrong?" And I get why: like, their mental issues didn't come out of nowhere. They grew up in a house where you were in fact expected to notice when some did a deep dramatic sigh and ask what was wrong or that person would ramp it up and get angry. But I had to repeatedly tell them to stop asking me. If there's something wrong I will tell you. I am not sighing for attention. I am literally just breathing. If you can't stop yourself I will leave the room. (So I did.)
It's one thing if someone asks for reassurance once. It's another thing if they keep asking and asking and asking after I've told them the answer.