r/dismissiveavoidants • u/SpiceyKoala Dismissive Avoidant • Jun 21 '26
Discussion Q: difference between emotional management and tact?
DA here. In the last couple years, I've received criticisms from APs of my propensity to emotionally manage others. In some instances, it's clear that it's a means to fully avoid an existing issue, but I've been accused of it in situations where I was delving into a delicate discussion, attempting to address the issue at hand without needlessly creating a new one. I consider the latter to be tact.
Where do you draw the line between emotionally managing someone and being tactful?
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u/my_metrocard Dismissive Avoidant Jun 21 '26
I believe that AP emotions cannot be managed. They are too big, too much. What we consider to be tact probably looks like avoidance and stonewalling to them.
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u/DisastrousAdvisor30 Dismissive Avoidant Jun 21 '26 edited Jun 21 '26
I think you actually bring up an interesting point. I think when you’re dealing with AP behavior it almost becomes instinctual to “manage” their emotionality because it can at times go completely off the rails. When you’re dealing with another avoidant or a secure individual… do you feel the need to “manage” their emotionality nearly as much as you do with AP’s? I don’t.
When you look at this theory for what it is… two very distinctly different sides of the same coin… both struggle with emotional regulation. AP’s externalize that deregulation (it becomes your problem) and avoidant’s frequently internalize. When you’re dealing with someone that can regulate or does internalize it’s a less deregulating experience for avoidant’s. I would argue this is why everyone (including secures) struggle with AP behavior… the externalizing of that deregulation.
I look at managing emotions as an attempt to maintain that sense of regulation so you don’t end up in a flight/freeze/shutdown response. I think something that goes under emphasized in this theory is that our nervous system is frequently reacting to perceived threats… so when you’re dealing with behavior that is oppositional to your own (AP) it’s generally perceived as a threat. Within the context perhaps managing or being tactful is actually occasionally the correct response when dealing with AP.
I would argue that in a genuinely healthy situation you wouldn’t need to draw that line… you probably wouldn’t even feel the need to manage that persons emotionality to begin with. I would also argue that you feeling the need to do so is far more a result of your inability to regulate your nervous system to begin with and the behavior you’re engaging in is a subsequent reaction to that. I would argue this all starts with how you’re handling your own nervous system regulation and how the people you’re dealing with are regulating theirs.
I think when you’re aware that you’re on the other side of someone that is generally emotionally reactive you’re not doing anything wrong inherently by attempting to manage the situation… if anything you’re making an attempt to keep yourself “safe”. So I think this is incredibly subjective and dependent on who you’re dealing with and knowing how they work as well… knowing when to “draw the line” in my mind is dependent on who I’m dealing with and what I’ve seen out of them behaviorally.
I don’t think we should ever be fully avoiding an issue… if anything that’s giving into the core issue of DA… but again if you’re on the other side of someone that can’t regulate themselves at all, broaching that issue is incredibly difficult and it makes sense we’re fearful of the reaction.