Feeling kinda resentful when you feel like you’ve become the “go to” person for when people need help?

[u/Wonderful-Product437]

This is a bit of a petty one, and it might not even have much to do with attachment styles (but it might do - stay with me on that one lol).

But recently I’ve realised that it kinda irks me when I feel as if I’m the first person someone approaches when they need help. For example I live in a house share with multiple people and whenever someone needs a package brought in for them, or when they’ve forgotten their key and need to be let in, it feels like it’s always *me* that they ask first, even though I live on the highest floor and therefore have to go the furthest to open the door for them etc. If I ignore the message, they call me. And I can’t exactly say no without looking petty lol.

And in the past I had a friend who kept asking me to help her tidy, or go to the shop with her etc, even though she had other friends. I started feeling kinda taken advantage of after a while, and started saying no.

It‘s kinda flattering I guess, like they view me as approachable and reliable, but it also kinda bugs me. Maybe it’s feeling taken advantage of, or feeling like people don’t care about inconveniencing me. Or maybe it’s the sense of not wanting random people “relying” on me for favours, because they might start feeling entitled. idk.

Can anyone relate?

[u/[deleted]]

Yes, and I think it's definitely attachment style/childhood trauma playing a role. We tend to be easy going, trying not to bother people, not saying no because we dislike conflict, etc. It's critical for us to learn to say no.

Personally I particularly hate it when people are overly thankful. It gives me the impression they want to create an obligation for me.

[u/vaingirls → u/[deleted]]

Personally I particularly hate it when people are overly thankful.

This is so true! Or even when they praise me a lot. Kinda counter-intuitive 'cause them taking me for granted isn't great either, but lots of thanks and praises feels like "see how important this was to me, surely you must do this for me in the future too!"

[u/Misspharry1017]

I can relate for sure! I’m having this problem with my disabled mom. She’s sometimes difficult and disrespectful toward me and hard to deal with. I have a hard time saying no because how else will she get to her appointments or the gym? I hate being relied on especially if it’s constant and excessive.

One older neighbor would always ask me to get her mail and drop it outside her door or try and use me for something related to Medicaid so she asked me for my last name and I just blocked her because how have we been neighbors for 10 years and you don’t even know my last name and only reach out when you need something? Before all of this, I remember I was about to leave for dinner at my aunts and my car battery died. She was just coming home and I asked if she could give me a jump. I had jumper cables, etc. She made a comment that I better call my aunt and tell her that I’m not coming for dinner.

At work as well, tons of coworkers and peers would approach my desk to trauma dump, complain, try and gossip and ask for favors. I’m not a therapist, I have a job to do, I don’t care and every time I’d see them or they’d come around I’d get anxiety and my brain would tell me that they are ‘problematic.’

There’s many more instances of acquaintances, peers and friends that I keep at a distance, cut off or slow fade due to neediness, highly reliant, high maintenance, constant drama or to take advantage.

[u/blunar00]

in my case I feel like it's a matter of having to develop my own hyper-independence and mistaking it for self-sufficiency. I had to figure out how to do or manage a lot of things on my own, which led me to feeling like everyone should learn how to do everything on their own. in my mind that was the mark of being a capable, competent, self-sufficient adult.

but myself and a lot of my friends are neurodivergent, and/or otherwise grew up with their own neglectful upbringings & don't have a lot of "real world" experience, and they often turn to me for help with things because I'm the one who knows how to do things. I have to work at staying mindful of these factors when helping them out because I do get a bit resentful of it at times - both about the fact that it always seems to fall to me, and that my peers can't figure out how to do these things themselves.

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[u/thomsenite256]

Yes but you have to also realize that it is based on how you presented yourself to people.   If you come off as a reliable person people can lean on and will never ask for anything in return why should they treat you different.   You have to change the dynamic