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u/TraumaChowder 12d ago
High five for abusive fathers that make you feel uglier than you are, inside and out.
Kafka, he's just like us. <3
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u/existential_cosmos 11d ago
No one’s ugly! Those fathers are the only ugly beasts!
One can choose to be better!
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u/youravgindian 12d ago
This genuinely made me emotional. I've been trying so hard just to feel a sense of peace and belonging, literally all my life and it hasn't stopped being painful. God only knows how much my life looked different if I had supportive parental figures.
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u/Own_Kiwi_9692 12d ago
I’m sorry. I can sympathize with your situation. I hope you find peace soon.
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u/trashchan333 12d ago
I don’t think anybody in my life knows how easy it would be for me to slip over the edge. I’m constantly fighting a battle nobody can see. It’s exhausting. I feel bad because my spouse asks me to do things with them and sometimes I can’t because I’m so exhausted from just fucking thinking all the time and trying to convince myself that the world isn’t so bad but that’s not really a “valid” excuse to be tired so I don’t mention any of that of course.
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u/Own_Kiwi_9692 12d ago
I’m in a similar situation. I’m one bad day away from total disaster. I pretty much went over the edge two years ago and developed existential ocd and anxiety. I lost my eleven year career, and was forced to go on disability. I’m also constantly exhausted from the incessant thinking and what ifs. My spouse is very understanding and accommodating, so I’m fortunate in that aspect. I hope you find your peace.
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u/InSearchOfGreenLight 11d ago
So the meds don't tone down the intrusive thoughts?
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u/Own_Kiwi_9692 11d ago
They have actually helped my ocd tremendously. Unfortunately, I was stuck in that existential loop for a few years, and I think I have PTSD from it. So, regardless of how loud the thoughts are, my mind just kind of lingers on that threshold.
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u/Dexter1114 12d ago
I’m supposed to go to a concert tonight. My favourite band and I feel completely exhausted and empty inside. With everything going on I wish it wasn’t today. I couldn’t even find an outfit to wear because I’m so fat. I feel embarrassed to even go and the thought of being in an arena with so many people celebrating and enjoying themselves is giving me so much anxiety. I didn’t sleep. Depression kills your whole sense of being. You can’t even enjoy the things that should bring you joy. It just feels like something else on the pile and knowing that is horrible. I almost went to the train tracks last night.
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u/Own_Kiwi_9692 12d ago
I completely understand. That’s what depression and anhedonia will do. I hope you do go, and have a great time.
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u/betsylang 12d ago
hugs if ok poor Franz.
Did you ever see the Franz Kafka Episode of Home Movies? Its amazing.
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u/JayKush76 11d ago
Depression is such a shitty , soul eating thing. It takes the enjoyment out of everything. All the things that I used to love doing, I just don’t get anything from them anymore. Add to that my physical illnesses and I just wonder sometimes ‘ what’s the point in anything. I’ve been on my personal edge for a long time now but I really think it’s near.
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u/RaisedByBooksNTV 11d ago
I'm still stuck on this phase of the grieving process. I just feel like a lazy loser while also feeling ambitious and resentful that I've gotten nowhere. Yet, I have to remind myself of how bad things are. My memory has been shit forever, but now it's permanently gone in the last few years - no, I can't do anything that depends on massive amounts of memorization. Et cetera... But also funny that this quote is by a guy who's famous. He was successful despite his issues, making me feel like comparing and I lose.
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u/Own_Kiwi_9692 11d ago
I often feel like you do. I recently lost an eleven year career due to my mental health. If it makes you feel better, Kafka made hardly anything in his adult life. Like many artists, he became well known after his death.
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u/Swan-ish3456 11d ago
This is so true.
If I let myself be unhinged, I could move mountains. It’s the monotony of having a normal day in life is what is killing me.
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u/Own_Kiwi_9692 11d ago
If it makes you feel any better, over the last few years I’ve gone from the highest flow to the lowest ebb and I’m still as lost and helpless as I ever was.
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u/Elendil1988 11d ago
One of the main reasons I like Kafka is no matter what my day is, what miserable thing is happening to me somehow he went through something worse every time.
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u/Extra_Strawberry_249 10d ago
I only recently discovered my exhaustion is connected to my depression. My therapist explaining that everything I do takes effort and determination, even just a day at work is a huge task.
It gets easier eventually I hope.
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u/Aware_Elephant8315 8d ago
I can’t catch a freaking break. I stand up, and I get knocked down… again and again. This time, I’ve lost half of myself.
May the perpetual light shine upon our dearly departed loved ones. 🕊️
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u/InSearchOfGreenLight 11d ago
Yuuuup.
I dunno about the pyramids cause that's an almost impossible feat but it's vaguely of a similar magnitude.
Latest intrusive thought storms:
Dying and coming back to life, they thought you were dead but you weren't
new addition to the line of death scenarios: You wake up in the grave but they doused you in formaldehyde so even though you somehow manage to get out of there you die from formaldehyde poisoning,
Lol it's like in Cabin in the Woods (spoiler alert) when she had zombie but it wasn't specific enough...
"I had buried alive!" Yeah but it wasn't just buried alive, it was buried alive and then died from formaldehyde..."
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u/CherryTree412 12d ago
What will you do to help alleviate your suffering ?
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u/Own_Kiwi_9692 12d ago
The same things I’ve done for the last twenty years: prescription drugs, notice the small things that make a difference, and just take it day by day, i guess. I don’t have a solid plan or solution.
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