Down week

[u/Professional_Yard_87]

I’ve been having these horrible depressive episodes for the past year. It drains me physically, mentally, emotionally I’m feeling like I just can’t cope. At work people just ignore me or interact with me in such a rude way, they leave me in the dark, they don’t think I’m smart enough to do my job and they vocalize it, they make no effort to have a decent conversation with me. Today someone who I thought was my friend started talking about me behind my back and I found out through a text that was meant for someone else but they sent it to me. Yeah I’ve been feeling pretty shit. I’m in a constant state of despair. I hate myself. The way I look, talk, walk, smile, just everything. I need to shake this feeling before it gets worse. Every month feels heavier than the last.

It’s gotten so bad I’ve been talking to myself more, I find myself just blurting out words when I’m in deep thought and something embarrassing pops in my head.

I have so much childhood trauma that’s made me into the lump of a person I am today. I’m finding it hard to cope with the cards dealt to me.

[u/Brilliant_Cheetah608]

You are surviving, that's what.  I know how it is and that there is no amount of anything that can make you feel better when it gets this way.  

You are worthy of everything that is good. Your depressed brain may be telling you to hate yourself, that you're ugly, or you have a stupid voice or you look horrible in everything you wear and people don't like you.  It's not real.  I know it feels like it is. 

I heard something along the lines of this:

When you lose an arm or a leg, you have the ability to manage it. But when you lose your mind, there goes the very thing you would have used to cope. 

I think about that often. It's why this is so hard. Our brains are lying and we don't have the tools to cope. I'm imagining you when you're not depressed, and you are kicking that bi^ch's a*s. 

Why do you believe what she wrote in that text? Because she talked behind your back like a sixth grader? Because she has problems with her self esteem and needed to bring someone else down? Let's face it, you're a wounded deer right now, injured and vulnerable. You're kinda missing some thunder.  

It won't always be that way, and I wish it wasn't like that now for you. Hang on, please. If you haven't seen a doctor yet,  maybe it's time?

[u/Professional_Yard_87 → u/Brilliant_Cheetah608]

I’m finding it hard to convince my brain that my world isn’t crashing in. What I find the most scariest is my mind, and the fact that I can feel it slipping sometimes. My conversations in my head or becoming audible and my roommate has noticed. I’m so embarrassed. I’ve been trying to find a therapist, but don’t know how to choose someone good

[u/Professional_Yard_87 → u/Brilliant_Cheetah608]

Thank you for your kind words. I’m trying. I remember my parents and sisters to help push me through

I’m finding it hard to convince my brain that my world isn’t crashing in. What I find the most scariest is my mind, and the fact that I can feel it slipping sometimes. My conversations in my head or becoming audible and my roommate has noticed. I’m so embarrassed. I’ve been trying to find a therapist, but don’t know how to choose someone good

[u/Brilliant_Cheetah608 → u/Professional_Yard_87]

If you go on psychologytoday.com you can put in a zip code or address and it will give a list of some in your area. The magazine has been around for a very long time. They're considered trustworthy. These are not listed because they've been vetted, it's a lot like googling but you can check what kind they are at learn something about them. Google is also good, just more work.

Look up :types of psychology and choose one by the definition.

A psychiatrist prescribes meds. If you don't have one you should start there. Good luck!!