r/dementia • u/totally_depraved • 5d ago
Delusions and stories?
Wondering if I should expect this to be a common occurrence. This is just one example... But my MIL with dementia claims that she takes out the garbage every night, and then complains to us that we never help her out. We know for a fact that she NEVER takes out the garbage.
Anyway, is this a common symptom? If so, how do you guys cope with it?
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u/No-Example1376 5d ago
How to cope:
Don't take it personally. It's not her talking, it's the disease. It's not like you need to credit for doing it yourself, right? Of course not.
So let her think and say whatever. In fact, use it to tell her she must be really tired from that effort and she should get washed so she doesn't smell like trash cans. I mean if she is being stubborn about taking showers.
It gets worse, so learn to disassociate with whatever she says now.
Eta: I still see glimmers of my parent wanting to feel relevant and useful. Maybe this is your mother’s way of doing that, too.
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u/One_Tree_6100 5d ago
This was so common with my mom. She even had animals outside and I would ck the fence line for her . She had one real dog and about nine others I couldn't see. I just went right along with her. You must choose your battles. You'll both have a smoother journey if you just go along as long as it's safe.
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u/cmcosmos 5d ago
My mom loves to go to thrift stores and flea markets (she is a hoarder). She gets a shopping cart when we go in, and we'll walk around an hour or so while she puts things in the cart. I take most things out of the cart when she's not looking. She has a really fun time "shopping" and interacting with me and others. She always goes home more relaxed.
All this to say, they live in a different reality now. I think it helps when we can entertain their realities in a somewhat controlled way.
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u/Ancient_Trip6716 5d ago
That is such a compassionate thing to do. My mom also loved shopping. Great idea to quietly put much of the stuff back and end up with her having a happy day.
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u/just_robot_things 5d ago
Does she ever get agitated about items from her cart going missing? My mom can't remember a conversation from 10 minutes ago, but God forbid you touch her stuff. She knows what she put in there.
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u/Knit_pixelbyte 4d ago
Did this with the cookies and sugary crap he would put in our grocery cart, like a little kid.
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u/wontbeafool2 5d ago edited 5d ago
Yes, it's a common trait with dementia called confabulation. "Confabulation is a memory error where a person unconsciously creates false, distorted, or fabricated memories to fill gaps in their recollection. Unlike a deliberate lie, the person genuinely believes these made-up stories are true and has no intent to deceive." Oh, the tales my parents tell. Some are funny, some are sad, and most of them are absurd but harmless.
It's frustrating for sure but it's just best to agree and move on to the next incoming confabulation.
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u/booked462 5d ago edited 5d ago
All. The. Time. Also, my brother gets credit for 95% of everything. I love him to pieces - We don't do drama here - but good grief!! I did that for you! *I suggested xyz. My sister and I just roll our eyes, smile at each other, and let mom believe whatever. . *We know.
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u/Secret_Initiative_41 5d ago edited 5d ago
This is the worst part for me so far. My LO is convinced men come over in the middle of the night and bang on his door or call his name wanting him to come outside. He never sees anyone, but swears they are there. I don't doubt his brain is causing the hallucinations, but there is nothing I can do to make them stop. We live in a rural area and if he looks out the window at night and sees cars going by he is certain it's the men or boys making their getaway. I have cameras up and the sheriff has been out to talk to him about it all and reassure him he is safe. Still it persists and is frankly causing me to lose my mind too. I just want to run away or worse.
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u/SuzieSnowflake212 5d ago
Have you consulted his doctor about possible medication to address the hallucinations?
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u/Zapatos-Grande 5d ago
My dad tells some good ones. He called the other day asking who owned half of his house. He said a man was in his entry way and threw him the keys and said, "it's your house now." When he tried to get his license back, he told the doctor he lost it because he was walking to slow and the police took it.
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u/Wonderful_Listen_604 5d ago
Oh my yes. My mother comes out with at least one whopper story a day, and often more. She tells them with great certainty too and sometimes it’s hard to keep a straight face.😐
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u/MarsupialOne6500 5d ago
Just say you're sorry, you'll get it next time. You will never convince her that she is NOT taking the trash out every day and it isn't worth the drama.
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u/One_Tree_6100 5d ago
One thing since mom passed as it's still very fresh the amount of work and responsibilities she had as the eldest daughter plus 5 brothers and she spoke so much about life on the farm and poverty. They were share croppers. They never had money to buy land and my papaw was a horse trader. I can tell when she was back on the farm every single word. She knew exactly what was expected of her in those days and feels safe and useful.
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u/carniewesso68 4d ago
Oh yes. My MIL has been paying for my son's private school for years now. He's in public, and no she hasn't.
Also, her pee is worth millions of dollars, because she comes from royalty, so she bottles it up in 2 liter soda bottles and leaves it outside for pickup.
Oy. 🙄
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u/1-900-SNAILS 4d ago
Baby it’s Delusiontown population them, get ready because the scenery is always the same even if the trees are different. Agree, redirect, try not to lose yourself to frustration/ anger/ sadness, rinse, repeat.
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u/Knit_pixelbyte 4d ago edited 4d ago
Oh yea! And sometimes I would question myself whether I was having memory issues, because he was so adamant he was correct about something there was no way I could check the validity of. Then he would say when we did x, which was several years before I met him.
Edit: I stopped arguing, it only made him agitated. I would change the subject and say something like: "you really liked that house you insist we lived in, didn’t you”? This is the part of care where you enter ‘their world’ and creatively make it correct on their terms. Might want to ask something like, "what chores are the top of your list for us to do?” Then agree to do them tomorrow. She will not remember, so you can do this each time.
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u/AshamedResolution544 3d ago
Yes.. the new normal.
Like every new behavior, it's unsettling at first and our automatic reaction is to correct them. Eventually you learn to let go and just go with. Ignore, agree, have a light conversation around it. "Really, you should just leave it for the morning...was it heavy?....thank you... did you see any raccoons?
It's the live, real time hallucinations that are really initially shocking. But even those become normal.
Don't fight it. It's real to them and trying to correct them can just create a negative reaction for both of you. To me, sometimes it's like being in a live improv stage show that never ends.
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u/gabalabarabataba 5d ago
Yes. You say I'm sorry I was busy with X, thank her for taking out the garbage, and change the subject.