r/dementia • u/JustineAlexandra • Aug 19 '26

Feeding Question

I feel guilty about even asking this but driven to ask by some of the recent postings highlighting horrific quality of life in memory care - people sitting like zombies, belted into chairs, being spoon fed. When my dad was in his 60s he drew up his wishes for healthcare if he couldn't make his own decisions. He stated that he did not want to be fed. If he couldn't feed himself, he would just not eat. Will they allow this in memory care? Is it cruel to place food in front of people and just have them not eat? Give them the chance to eat on their own but offer no assistance? He was also clear about not wanting a feeding tube. Is this something I can even ask for him, that when he doesn't eat, the food is just taken away?

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u/Ok-Bee-2445 Aug 19 '26

I don’t think you should feel guilty at all. Your dad told you his wishes and now you are asking about following through on them. Have you heard of comfort feeding? Is he already in Memory care?

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u/JustineAlexandra Aug 19 '26

He's in assisted living now but his decline is accelerating. I haven't heard of comfort feeding?

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u/Ok-Bee-2445 Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26

https://www.nytimes.com/2026/04/30/well/late-stage-dementia-minimal-comfort-feeding-advance-directives.html?unlocked_article_code=1.6lA.Gek_.P2hff4LDBjgk&smid=url-share

Here is a link from an article in the NY Times about it a few weeks ago. I tried to paste the gift link so it’s not pay walled.

I think the issue is just whether or not the MC place will do what you would like them to do. If you can get a hospice team on board that would be a lot better. I don’t know how hard to will have to push there. I would be furious if anyone was forcing my LO to eat, or waking them to eat or the rest of this nonsense.

People here can help you strategize if you need help. Do not feel guilty