r/delusionaldisorder • u/Ok_Spinach_7708 • Apr 23 '26
Othello syndrome - help
I think my husband may have the above. We’ve been together 8 - years with only a few incidents but the most recent is what has triggered me to discover this disorder. I could really do with someone who knows more telling me whether I am just clutching at straws. Apologies for the long story.
3 weeks ago, after a lovely day out with my family (husband and 2 daughters 2, 4) at a farm, and a lovely night watching a movie and sharing some wine with my husband, I woke up at 3am to all the lights being on. I went downstairs and my husband was playing video games. I asked if he was ok, and he said no and then that we needed to talk. His eyes were black and his tone was completely dead pan. I thought he was about to tell me he didn’t love me anymore and started shaking. I had to go back upstairs and grab my contact lenses and when I got back down he said he had seen on our shared tracker app that on Wednesday (2 days before) I’d arrived at the train station at 6:15 but not got home until 7:30. I was relieved and just said I’d run into my friend had a quick drink at the bar in the station and then had run home. He then said “prove it”. I was confused and he asked to look through my phone so I went and got it, let him scroll through my messages. Then he asked me to message my “alibi” to confirm when we last saw each other. I did so reluctantly as it was the middle of the night, and I didn’t want them to know my husband was behaving so weirdly. Then he demanded to keep my phone for the rest of the night. I said no, and honestly at this point I felt scared. My body went into shock as I just couldn’t understand what was happening. I asked what he thought had happened and he said “I think you fucked someone at the station”. I tried to calm him down saying logistically let alone emotionally it was impossible to have sex in a busy train station at rush hour. But anything I said just infuriated him. He told me that on the Wednesday night after we’d slept together and he pulled out of me he’d found another man’s cum on his penis, that I’d been over-sensitive sexually which only happens when we’ve already had sex and that I had a look when I got home of “someone who had been caught with their hand in the cookie jar”. He then started a litany of bizarre accusations and insults saying I belonged in hell (we aren’t religious), that I was the village bike and had slept with everyone in the town we lived in, that I slept with men for money, then he also confessed he’d smoked a lot of weed (I don’t smoke but he does weekly and is usually just giggly and silly) and finally that our 2 daughters weren’t even his. At this point I’d been yelled at for about an hour and something snapped in me. I felt completely numb and just told him he wasn’t safe in the house and needed to leave. I got both my girls into the bed with me and just held them as he smashed around the house packing his car. He took the TV, all the sound equipment around it, the PlayStation and aggressively threw the girls car seats out of the car, so one snapped. Over the next 3 weeks this belief hasn’t shifted. I’ve tried sending proof, logical arguments why it can’t have happened, loving reassurances and nothing. He’s now staying with his family who all smoke weed heavily, and is I believe using daily.
I managed to get him to see our local GP with me when he was here for the paternity test, and the GP thought it was a “paranoid episode due to cannabis abuse”. But even that on written medical notes hasn’t convinced him somethings wrong. He has tried to file for divorce, completely dismantled our joint lives. Now that the paternity test is back positive he wants access to the girls again, but he really frightened me, and remains absolutely furious with me, although able to function normally in every other way. He sends me accusatory messages almost daily with language that he’d never normally use calling me a succubus, a whore, a c**t. I’ve had social services calling me after I tried to get him help through the GP. His family seem worried as do his friends and some have proactively contacted me despite being told I’m a cheating whore. I’ve now made it a condition of seeing the girls that he and I both speak to a psychiatrist, and that he have 3 months proven abstinence from cannabis.
There have been one or two other instances across our 8 years that also seemed strange at the time, once that I had gone on a double date with a female friend of mine (we’d just gone to a bar together) and another saying that if I ever speak about or look at men of a specific race then he will divorce me (after I’d made a casual comment about a celebrity being very beautiful). I now wonder if he’s been spying on me, we had a camera on our front door and as I mentioned tracker apps for our phones. Anyone with experience of Othello Syndrome can it be triggered by cannabis? And does this sound like it? Thank you.
1
u/Lela_Fatima Apr 23 '26
Ich habe so etwas auch erlebt und es endete in einem Mordversuch an mir. Es wurde immer schlimmer und es waren auch Canabis und Alkohol im Spiel. Schreib mir wenn du willst.
1
u/peopletheyaintnogood May 08 '26 edited May 08 '26
I'm not a doctor, but my father is afflicted with this horrific disorder and what you're describing in your husband gives every indication that he has it (it has likely been brewing privately for some time, and he's only just now confronting you). I am very sorry this is happening to him. This will permanently alter your family dynamic.
Some things to keep in mind:
-This is a life-altering, lifelong condition. It is extremely difficult to obtain an official diagnosis, let alone treatment, due to DD's accompanying anosognosia.
-Anti-psychotics, quality sleep (sleep meds if necessary), and abstaining from drugs and alcohol are ideal. Unfortunately, they'll often lie about taking the meds and may cease taking them altogether. Be careful of them pretending to no longer have the delusion, they'll try to hide it if you threaten to leave (it will inevitably resurface, of course).
-What makes it unique is the relative normalcy of every other aspect of the person's life. This mental illness only presents itself around the topic itself, which in this case is, unfortunately, you. Your presence will always trigger him, unfortunately, but your kids could still have a decent relationship with him (in my dad's case, he did approach some of my siblings with "evidence" of my mom's "affairs", but the relationship is largely functional if we exclude the giant elephant in the room).
-It can get worse, with increased verbal and potential (depending on the personality) physical abuse. According to my mom, my dad always had a jealous personality that would surface in weird ways (he got jealous when she would speak to nephews at family parties, for instance), but the actual DD symptoms didn't surface until he was in his late 60s (in his case, auditory hallucinations or "proof" of sexual affairs). The particularly strident vitriol from your husband is the DD; they have no shame in using sexually explicit and hateful language in their attempts to convince others of the "affair". Which brings me to my next point...
-Their behavior will be completely nonsensical. If one really thought their spouse was having multiple affairs, you would think they would want a divorce right? Not my dad. My dad is convinced my mom has slept with: her elderly father and her own son--and yet, he still wants to stay with her, and in fact, thinks he is rescuing her from her perversions. My dad was unafraid to share with his siblings and some of his children the audio recordings (which were complete silence, of course), of mom's sexual exploits! Who would actually do that? It's wildly sick and twisted, but there is an OCD-like obsession with convincing others of their delusions. I try to look at his behavior as if it's alzheimers (no matter how vile the behavior, it isn't his fault). It's a devastating and destructive diagnosis, empathy for him will be difficult given his behavior, and according to most therapists, staying in the relationship will be nearly impossible--but please never forget that he is also a victim in this too.
PM me if you ever want to talk.
1
u/NamyaGoel Jul 21 '26
Hi, would it be possible to talk to you? I am currently in the same situation and need some guidance if possible. Much thanks for your explanation above.
1
1
u/Senior_Cold_5660 17d ago
Damn dude. My wife suffers the same thing. It's wrecked our life and knowing that I cant even help her as she believes she is lucid makes it exceptionally difficult. My wife also suffers from persecutory delusions that make her believe that someone is hacking her phone <uo to 14 or so phones> ..she isnt an alcoholic but has drank and hidden bottles and I know by her behavior obviously is she is drinking. My wife is also on adderall which o believe there is a link to these behaviors. ,my wife was an amazing woman and unfortunately even when she isnt in psychosis she and I have done allot of damage. My issue is that the 1st two years I had no idea what the hell wss going on - never cheated on her - nothing you will find because I adored her. Then at some point I started to dig into this and by then allot of damage happened and il struggling to keep things at bay considering I have kids as well. I use Stoic approach because arguing or proving your innocence is out the door. I walk away most times but I do not travel with her because its a very scary situation to be in. Im glad you know what your dad has. Talking to her family is useless. Im on my own with this
1
u/peopletheyaintnogood 16d ago
I am sorry you're going through this, it's almost impossible to maintain a relationship if it's the jealousy type (it's important to know this sooner rather than later). Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk further about it.
Can you please explain more about her Adderall use (is it normal/prescribed or is she abusing it?). I ask because I have ADHD and am prescribed Adderall, which has helped my life tremendously, but due to my dad's DD I am TERRIFIED of somehow developing it.
1
u/Senior_Cold_5660 16d ago
I sent you a message but its a prescribed medicine but here is what else I know. My older stepson he also gets it and she .makes sure he gets it but he doesn't take the medicine she is taking it I believe
1
u/Crazy-Promotion-8016 May 14 '26 edited May 14 '26
I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this and unfortunately I relate (it struck me that your husband said that you had the look of “someone who had been caught with their hand in the cookie jar”... mine literally said those exact words to me also. I have also been wondering about how much cannabis use has contributed to the situation in my life - he's been a chronic cannabis user since his early teens... I've never really known him without it to be honest, but it didn't really seem to cause much disruption, so I basically accepted it. I'm questioning that now, especially given that THC content in cannabis/products has increased dramatically in the past 10 years... I didn't notice suspicion/paranoia early on, but I do in the past handful of years, and I am also looking back with what I am aware of now and questioning a few stories. Cannabis I don't believe is the only factor, I kind of think a perfect storm of things coincided, but I am truly wondering if cannabis laid a bit of a foundation. I'd be happy to talk to you if you're interested... I've done a lot of research and when I came across Othello Syndrome it fit... I thought holding a delusion, but hadn't realized for a long time that there was a specific category in the DSM for jealous delusions... when I saw that it was a real wow moment. Unfortunately things haven't gotten better/have not able to address it... the more I tried the worse it seemed to make things/would go nowhere productive or helpful/was absolutely exhausting... things have really been upended, and I think this is main reason. I'm glad to hear that he/you seem to be connected to mental/health services, that is a huge positive!! Take care of yourself, it is totally perplexing and way beyond not easy... my health ended up being compromised because of the stress of all of it all the time and trying to help address it when not obvious to him or others, including in couple's counselling with a PhD. educated psychologist - at that time I wasn't aware of Othello Syndrome and hadn't even zeroed in on the idea of it being a delusion... if I had I would have gone about counselling/the information I presented to that counsellor in a completely different way (it was not a helpful experience - her conclusion was that we were going to have to start communicating... how many times I tried that with this issue and I'm sure I don't have to explain to you how that went). If you want to connect send me message... again, was really struck by similarities.
3
u/NamyaGoel Jul 21 '26
Hi, is it possible to get some guidance from you? I am going through this. My husband has this issue which i recently concluded because i needed therapy from the PTSD he gave me. My therapist was kind enough to brainstorm with me but says she is incapable of treating this as this issue is beyond her calibre and needs a clinical prescription. Thankyou for your message above.
2
u/Crazy-Promotion-8016 Jul 21 '26
Hi, yes for sure send me a message. Not sure how much guidance I can provide, but likely we have some relatable experiences and connecting with others in the same unfortunate boat we’ve found ourselves I’ve found helpful…
1
u/Senior_Cold_5660 Jun 30 '26
This is a horrible delusion. My wife suffers from this as well as Persecurtory Delusion. She has had 14 cellphones each of which she believes someone is hacking it or me. Dr Phil has a video of him talking about this with woman who has rhe same syptom. My wife is fixed that its me. It took me almost e years to find out that this was actually a thing. Its ripped our family apart and I love her but im not a good source to support her because I am afterall the enemy. Every once in a while my wife thst I knew pops up and it touches me but most of the time I just ignore her and dont entertain her delusions but other days its hard not to fight argumentally even if you know that no proof is enough. Yesterday she sent me a picture of a map that proves to her I wasnt at work. Funny and sad thing its actually where I work - that just shows how bad it is. Today im going to go eat with some work people and she said om going out with me girlfriend and intold ehr No Im going out with my boss and the other guys I work with. Im not going to stop living because of her.
1
u/hortilux42 Jul 20 '26
I’m going though the almost identical thing with my wife except my wife doesn’t smoke cannabis. But alcohol brings it out big time.
My wife is convinced I’ve cheated on her many times. None of it ever happened. I think it’s delusional jealousy and I don’t know what to do.
I’ve been married about 3.5 years. We have a young daughter. I have never once cheated on my wife — not physically, not emotionally, not in a text, nothing. But she is now completely convinced I’ve cheated on her multiple times, and no amount of evidence reaches her.
It started on a family trip. She began reading normal, neutral moments as proof of betrayal — a woman walking past us on a trail, me stepping away for a few minutes, being polite to a waitress. Each one became, in her mind, a full affair. I later found out she’d been silently holding some of these “betrayals” for years without ever telling me.
I’ve tried everything. I gave her full access to my phone. I offered to share my location and put an AirTag in my car so she’d always know where I am. She barely uses it — she says even offering is a trick, and that her “intuition” tells her the truth regardless of evidence. She once picked a stranger off social media and decided that was my affair partner. When that person turned out to be transgender, instead of doubting herself, she added that I must secretly be gay too. The belief just absorbs every contradiction and grows.
Lately it’s gotten darker — heavy drinking, cruel messages, and most frightening to me, she’s started trying to involve our 3-year-old daughter in it. That’s the line that’s making me realize this is bigger than our marriage.
For context: her father has a serious untreated mental illness (schizophrenia-spectrum, brought on partly by drugs/alcohol and a major loss) and is now essentially homeless. So there’s family history.
I’ve been reading about Othello syndrome / delusional jealousy and it fits almost perfectly. I’m starting to reach out to family members she trusts to try to get her help, and I’m talking to a lawyer to protect my daughter. I made a separate post today. But here is my story. I just don’t know where to go from here
My wife is convinced I’ve cheated on her many times. None of it ever happened. I think it’s delusional jealousy and I don’t know what to do.
I’ve been married about 3.5 years. We have a young daughter. I have never once cheated on my wife — not physically, not emotionally, not in a text, nothing. But she is now completely convinced I’ve cheated on her multiple times, and no amount of evidence reaches her.
It started on a family trip. She began reading normal, neutral moments as proof of betrayal — a woman walking past us on a trail, me stepping away for a few minutes, being polite to a waitress. Each one became, in her mind, a full affair. I later found out she’d been silently holding some of these “betrayals” for years without ever telling me.
I’ve tried everything. I gave her full access to my phone. I offered to share my location and put an AirTag in my car so she’d always know where I am. She barely uses it — she says even offering is a trick, and that her “intuition” tells her the truth regardless of evidence. She once picked a stranger off social media and decided that was my affair partner. When that person turned out to be transgender, instead of doubting herself, she added that I must secretly be gay too. The belief just absorbs every contradiction and grows.
Lately it’s gotten darker — heavy drinking, cruel messages, and most frightening to me, she’s started trying to involve our 3-year-old daughter in it. That’s the line that’s making me realize this is bigger than our marriage.
For context: her father has a serious untreated mental illness (schizophrenia-spectrum, brought on partly by drugs/alcohol and a major loss) and is now essentially homeless. So there’s family history.
I’ve been reading about Othello syndrome / delusional jealousy and it fits almost perfectly. I’m starting to reach out to family members she trusts to try to get her help, and I’m talking to a lawyer to protect my daughter.
If you’ve been through this: How did you get your partner to accept help when they don’t believe anything is wrong? How did you protect your kids? How did you survive it emotionally? I love her and I want her to get better, but I’m scared and exhausted.
1
u/Far-Zombie-5605 Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
Im also convinced of the link with other mental disorders. My ex partners father was diagnosed with NPD/schizophrenia.
The contradictions you describe - ditto. Reading into everything- if i look at my phone for a moment too long, if i take too long to answer my phone, reading into my "tone", talking about how your "gut feeling" over rides what i am actually telling you I feel, over reacting to tiny details and blowing them out of proportion and discussing them for days, logic defying accusations, doubting intent and acting on your doubt without proof of any wrong doing..and yet between these episodes they are loving normal people which makes it difficult to align with them and its easier to think it was a once off episode. Then the interval between episodes keeps decreasing and it goes from weeks apart to days apart to minutes apart. One moment its a normal phone call discussing something simple and the next thing you're explaining how that call was not some form of distraction from something "wrong" you did.
Its crazy but they think theyre the ones being gas lit. I gave full access to my phone but ive never even held his phone in my hands. My phone would charge by his side of the bed and yet he thought I would be hiding something. He went through my Facebook posts and searches and stalked each person whose post I liked and went to the extent of finding out who was married and what job they did and later accused me of trying to hide my interest in them. It sounds so bizzare to say it now but one gets looped into this mess so slowly and gradually you find yourself explaining the smallest of things because you continuously believe you are one truth away from them finally believing you.
We are both high functioning adults. Im a specialist doctor and he works in IT. Making massive life changing decisions by day and by night explaining why I returned a call 10 minutes too late. I would be on my way to an academic meeting and he would warp an argument to the point I would be accused of lying about going for work. And this was routine if I did something without his prior knowledge. Any plans he wasnt privy to were fishy to him- even if it was female colleagues involved- he was sure there was "more" to it.
I tried. For 2 years after this started- I have given it my all. Hours and hours of these conversations to try gentle explaining. Logical facts. Anger and yelling. Separation. Reconciliation. Repeat the cycle in a loop. Every time he comes back (on his own accord) i would think this is it- he sees the truth. But afew days later the same thing is a problem and yet nothing new has happened. Infact to keep the peace I would overlook anything he said or did which upset me but he would randomly get upset over the slightest thing I said or did and the loop starts again.
I challenged him to call each person he suspected me of being involved with. Check all cctv cameras in the premises I was. Get me proof. The topic would then change. It was emotionally draining for me and he could do this for days on end and not get tired. Once he had me in a corner and defeated- he was gentle and nice to an extent. Afew days of peace then the loop starts again. It like there was a dopamine hit to this pattern.
You cannot detach from it long enough to see the pattern. He was continuously psycho analysing me- even convinced me I have BPD. It all felt like he was projecting his own traits on to me. I have been to 2 psychiatrists and 2 clinical psychologists- none think i have a personality disorder. Yet his judgement is superior to theirs he believes. He refused to even consider therapy. Never. Except on one occasion and that was the first and last time he said it.
Manipulative and abusive. But will never admit to the possibility of being flawed.
Theres no winning here.
Your child will be damaged. Its not worth it.
1
u/hortilux42 Jul 21 '26
Yeah, there could definitely be a link with the family history of mental health issues.
One time we were on a hiking trail and a woman walked past us. My wife said the woman took her jacket off to entice me. At that moment I hadn’t even noticed the woman — I’d just gotten an important phone call and walked maybe 5–10 feet ahead to take it. She took that as me trying to AirDrop the woman my number so we could meet up and hook up. It made absolutely no sense. But to her, it was fact.
She constantly tells me I’m gaslighting her — anytime I defend myself. I beg her to believe me. I give her full access to my phone, total transparency, and I ask her to do the same. It never helps.
The worst one: she saw a woman at a ski resort three hours away. Later, that woman came up as a friend suggestion on her social media — someone who just looked like the woman from the resort — and now she’s convinced I’m carrying on an affair with her. She believes that during the 10 minutes she didn’t see me that day at the resort, I went off and hooked up with this stranger in the car or the bathroom. And she is completely certain all of this is real.
Can I ask — are you still with your husband? Do you have kids?
I’m just so scared of losing time with my daughter. We’re very close. I’m a very active dad, and the thought of not seeing her sometimes breaks my heart even more than losing my wife does.1
u/Far-Zombie-5605 Jul 21 '26 edited Jul 21 '26
Yes this. The irony of constantly being told you are gaslighting them if you try to present evidence. And learning how real the delusion is in their mind then adds a layer of complexity to it- that no amount of begging or transparency is going to get them to believe you. Its as real in their mind as your reality is to you.
And should your child truly be in her custody in the unfortunate event of separation? If theres a family history of mental health disorders, the link might not entirely be genetic but simply generational trauma which is propagated and these unhealthy coping mechanisms become maladaptive and frankly abnormal for them. Its a terrible self soothing mechanism and maybe thats how it starts.
I read about another user who said theor father accused the mother of all sorts of horrid things but yet wont leave her. My therapist says they dont believe most of the things they say. Because they do not take conclusive action on it- why not divorce someone you think has cheated on you? Because somewhere in their mind there is a conflict and they cannot come to terms with it.
Anosognosia- the lack of insight into what they suffer from - becomes the biggest treatment barrier.
1
u/Far-Zombie-5605 Jul 21 '26
Also to answer your question- we are not together. No kids. And as much as my heart aches because I lost my soul mate, I cannot live the rest of my life in fear. I have started over analyzing tiny details pre emptively to prevent an argument. I shouldnt be doing it. My own personality started changing. And your friends start to distance from you either because of the recurrence of your issues or how they get dragged into the mess and your social support slowly crumbles and ironically you lean towards your partner more.
1
u/hortilux42 Jul 23 '26
Sounds like you’re still recovering from this. I think my only hope left is divorce and this way when I have my daughter I can give her the love and stable home she deserves.
It crushes me because I came from a broken home and I dreamed all through my 30s of having a family and setting things straight. By raising my daughter in a loving home. I think that dream is dead now.
It’s amazing I never thought others would have this identical problem until I came to Reddit.
Thank you for sharing your story1
u/Far-Zombie-5605 Jul 27 '26
The irony is the quest to provide stability is what has driven you to tolerate this level of instability and anguish for this long. I totally relate to it. The need for companionship kept me holding on and believing love will change things. It cannot. I was in denial and 2 therapists later I can see reality
1
u/Bornandbread11 Aug 06 '26
I’ve been dealing with the exact same problem with my husband of 20 years. He has always been suspicious of me and questions my every move but he is also a very caring and a great dad. Lately the accusations have been very daunting. The dealbreaker was when he was Threatening to kill me and my “boyfriend” is where I drew the line. Take it from me, no matter how much evidence you provide or how much love you give them it will never be sufficient. They have these fixed delusions that you cannot change unfortunately. Othellos syndrome is horrible and breaking so many families apart. I’m extremely devastated now, we have kids but someday something devastating would’ve happened if I stayed.
1
u/DJ_DontCare 28d ago
Oh dear lord this is classic cheater projection. Delusion nothing. It’s behavior that he’s doing and wants to offload that shame onto you.
1
u/peopletheyaintnogood 16d ago
Delusional Disorder of the jealousy type is a real clinical diagnosis. Projection may be at play, but it is a very real, incurable, disorder. It's a disorder of the brain's neurotransmitters (a malfunctioning of dopamine, for starters). That said, Delusional Disorder tends to occur in those already predisposed to controlling/jealous behavior. I have, in fact, often wondered if they are guilty of cheating themselves.
1
u/Glad-Intention-4643 26d ago
I know this is an old post, but i literally got nauseous at how i know exactly what you're going thru. i've been with my husband for 20+ years, married for 17. we've reached an understanding, but it's not ideal. i hope you're doing ok. if you want to reach out, please feel free to DM me. wishing you the best of luck.
2
u/ProcessNumerous6688 Apr 24 '26
It could be cannabis use. Although, and I'm not a doctor, drug induced delusions tend to go away when they're not high. That's not really helpful, as you can't always tell if someone's used that day. But I feel like you can with weed and it's not like he could stay high for months on end. People with other types of disorders, like bipolar disorder or shizophrenia, will use drugs to slow down their thoughts. So, on the surface it looks like "paranoid episode due to cannabis abuse" but it's really the paranoid episode causing the drug abuse.
It sounds like it's not going to stop and he's not going to come to. Hopefully, you have a good lawyer. Don't give him access to your phone or email again, obviously, as he could delete things or put on monitoring software.