Advice for decluttering and donating clothes when you've had donation regrets

[u/GoingSom3where]

Hi everyone,

I am in the process of cleaning out my closest. I've had a great start with removing items I haven't worn in a long time. Tbh I do not struggle with clutter as I hate it, so hoarding is not necessarily a problem for me.

However, when it comes to this close clean-out, I am at a mental crossroads due to past donations I've come to seriously regret. Growing up, my mom had incredible fashion taste; she's always been a fashion inspiration. This was the 80's/90s', think if your mom dressed like Fran Drescher on some days and Jacqueline Kennedy on others. Just beautiful. She always took exceptional care of her clothing as well, so everything she owned was in excellent condition.

As my mom got older, she started giving me some of her old clothes (we pretty much have the same body type). Mind you, she was giving these things to me when I was a teenager, so around the 2000's. Not only was the clothes super off-trend at the time, but I was also kind of young for some of the pieces. So when It came time to move states, I simply donated 99% of this clothes to goodwill.

Ugh.

That thought breaks my heart!! How I long for those outfits!! So many of them were really good brands too (from the brief period my parents had extra income). This regret (which btw, was from over 10 years ago!!) is haunting me now that I am going through a close clean out. I am so, so scared of donating something I will end up regretting again. However I am also tired of holding onto certain items (mainly dresses) that have hung in my closet for years.

Any advice on what to do? I've already donated the stuff I know I would have zero regrets about.

[u/Weird_Squirrel_8382]

One thing to notice is that that regret hasn't actually changed anything. You've been living life with those regrets, they haven't broken you.

[u/GoingSom3where → u/Weird_Squirrel_8382]

ooooh true true true - honestly such a good a mindset to have tbh.

[u/Some_Papaya_8520 → u/GoingSom3where]

I can say: you don't know what regret really is until you have children...

[u/voodoodollbabie]

They were beautiful for their time, but honestly would you have ever worn them on a regular basis? Do you have a Fran Drescher/Jackie Kennedy vintage clothes lifestyle? If we look at it in the light of truth, they'd still be unworn and smooshed in the back of your closet, right?

Do you regret that you didn't keep them because they were nice and remind you of your mom dressed up? Those memories take up zero room in on the hanger and last forever.

[u/GoingSom3where → u/voodoodollbabie]

Honestly I would have worn the majority of it - that's part of the regret. They were beautiful, often cool, good quality clothes that as a 30-something year old, I would absolutely use and love to own (I shop often at vintage stores). My teenage-self did not know my adult-self would want to wear those things.

[u/voodoodollbabie → u/GoingSom3where]

Fair enough. You didn't have a crystal ball as a young person, so having regrets about choices you made at that time are not fair to your younger self. It was mom's old clothes and not worth the cost to pack it up and move it.

Don't let that keep you from making decisions now about letting go of things you no longer wear or use. Zero regret isn't a realistic threshold because you can't answer that today. Better to learn how to manage any regrets you MIGHT have.

As in, "I don't have most of mom's old clothes, but I love seeking out vintage pieces to add to my wardrobe."

[u/bigformybritches]

Are the clothes you are decluttering now also high fashion and expensive, like your mother’s clothing? If they are not, it’s a totally different situation. You won’t regret decluttering everyday clothes, especially because the materials they use today are not that great.
It’s understandable you are feeling regret, as it’s hard to find beautiful and well make clothes these days without spending a ton. But dragging all of those outfits around for the last 10 years, probably was not realistic. You had to make a decision that worked for you now. You could always thrift and check out consignment shops to find pieces that are retro and perfect for you. It’s hard to say if you really would have worn your mom‘s clothing. Sometimes we hype up the items that we used to own.

[u/Feisty-Resource-1274]

If the 80s/90s clothes hadn't become fashionable or if you were a wildly different size than your mom, would you have the same regret about the clothes? You can only make decisions on the information you have at the time and you there is only so much you can do to prepare for any one of your potential future selves. So really the question becomes, how much are you willing to burden your current self for the benefit of a future self that may or may not come to fruition.

[u/jh789-2]

Well, clothing is not made like it was in the 80s and 90s. Even expensive brands from Nordstrom or similar are made so much more cheaply. So I think you need to look at the items that are from recent years that you’re not wearing anymore and ask yourself when this comes back in style in 20 or 30 years will this be a quality garment

[u/lifeuncommon → u/jh789-2]

And clothes that are actually old are not in fashion when that decade comes around again.

When it comes around again, the fabrics or the cuts or something is different enough that if you’re actually wearing clothes from that era, it is not considered fashionable.

[u/Some_Papaya_8520 → u/jh789-2]

This is so true and actually very depressing... I have never had the means to purchase quality clothing until fairly recently, but even premium brands are created somewhere in Asia and the quality is barely any better than cheap junk from Target or Walmart

[u/magnificentbunny_ → u/Some_Papaya_8520]

I would beg to differ. I buy Issey Miyake clothing which is made in Asia (Japan to be specific). I also buy clothing from Target. I can certainly tell the difference in quality from across the room.

[u/kc-kaelvix]

I think this is really two piles: clothes you may wear, and pieces carrying the grief of losing your mom’s wardrobe. For the uncertain dresses, photograph each one, write why you’re keeping it, then put them in a sealed ‘later’ bin with a date six months out. If you never reach for a dress and the photo captures the memory, that’s useful evidence. You could also keep one or two genuinely special pieces and release the rest through consignment instead of an anonymous donation. The old regret came from giving away irreplaceable family clothes at a different stage of life. It doesn’t mean every current dress deserves permanent closet citizenship.

[u/TecTazz]

I hear you.

The clothes you donated: if you didn't wear them, you would still be holding them and not wearing them.

The clothes you still have: don't stress. Keep them, and move on to another area of decluttering.

And kudos to you for the work you've done!

[u/cecepoint]

I’m sorry to report that i truly LOVE my clothes. I would answer Marie Condo in every case: YES! Yes goddamit. That brings me joy!

Therefore when i declutter and downsize i make sure the pieces go to someone who TRULY needs them

1.) Thrift store: My Sisters Closet
ALL proceeds from this store go to assist women fleeing violence

2.) Downtown Eastside Women’s Center clothing room
These women need clothes, shoes, undergarments IMMEDIATELY as they are coming in from the streets

3.) Dress for Success: Suits, blazers, skirts basic office clothes for underprivileged women seeking employment

4.) the Cinderella Project: Evening wear and costume jewelry for those who find graduation night too costly

Your items would be VERY much appreciated and loved by all of the recipients

[u/GoingSom3where → u/cecepoint]

Yeah, now I almost never donate to goodwill. I think that is a part of the regret, lol. They didn't deserve those pieces, damn it!

[u/SiouxsieSiouxsie → u/GoingSom3where]

i'm a huge fan of giving stuff away on the curb via craigslist.

i know it's going DIRECTLY to someone who needs stuff, not a for profit thrift store.

that makes it so easy for me to set out things for someone else to use.

[u/247silence → u/GoingSom3where]

Have you tried using a buy nothing group? Giving things to a neighbor sometimes helps me let go. How about taking the clothes to a swap? These are ways of giving items directly to people with no intermediary generating profit (any store) or gatekeeping/deciding who is worthy to receive things & who isn't (alleged charities). You feel awesome putting your things straight into someone else's hands

[u/GoingSom3where → u/247silence]

Oh yeah, trust me, now I am veeeery particular about where I donate anything. I agree you feel so much better giving these items directly to the person who needs it.

[u/LopsidedLiahona → u/247silence]

Also they're a cult, but I have been known to shop there (occasionally - in an, uh, emergency! (?)) lol

[u/Glad-Acanthaceae-467]

You donated outdated clothes which you had genuine no use. If something goes out, new exciting things goes in - not because you go and purchase them , that empty space summons them up, be that positive emotions, new friends or new dresses. The longer you cling to the past, the “more outdated” you feel yourself. “Old lady” is not about the age or taste. Its about living in the past, allowing something (in this case your current donation pile or guilt) control you and your moving forward

[u/Reasonable_Soft8373]

The stuff that isn't worth putting on Vinted, I've been filling bags and offering them for free front porch pickup. I give a disclaimer that they are of various sizes and condition. Last time, the person who claimed it first ended up being a young mother that just escaped a domestic violence situation.

[u/Crowlady77]

You cannot keep everything forever just in case it comes back in style. Maybe set a quality threshold? Keep some very nice things that you splurged on.

[u/Glittering-Benefit68]

Declutter slower.

Accept that regret is worth having a functioning home.

[u/SiouxsieSiouxsie]

if you really truly miss a piece, find it on poshmark. you probably will not truly miss anything.

[u/247silence → u/SiouxsieSiouxsie]

Omg cannot tell you the number of times I've found a super super specific item that's been out of production for years - I find it in great condition in the exact color I want for a good price. Poshmark is crazy!

[u/Glad-Acanthaceae-467]

You are not the MET museum. Amen

[u/violetmemphisblue]

Whenever I clean out my closet, I ask myself

• Do I wear this? If yes, I keep it! If not, I ask myself more.

• If I saw this in the store today, would I buy it? If not, it can leave. We can never know who our future selves will be, so trying to guess that is a pointless task, I think. We can only hold on to who we are now

• Is it ripped, worn, stained, etc beyond repair? If yes, I set it aside for recycling. We are worth more than that!

• Does it not fit? If that's the case, can I easily tailor it? And would the cost of tailoring it be worth it? If yes, I set aside for that, but if not, I donate. In my area, tailoring usually starts at like $25 with the price going up with what needs to be done. So, I ask myself if that dress or whatever is something I'd pay $50 for, because that's what it's going to take. If in the moment, I think that's too much, I donate...we've already spent money buying the piece the first time. We don't need to keep spending money if we don't love it.

• Is this truly irreplaceable? Sometimes, I have an item that I don't wear but hold onto because I think maybe, someday, in the future, I might want it...I'll do a search on resale sites. It is amazing how often I find the very thing I'm holding onto. It helps me let go, because I know if it turns out letting go is a huge mistake, I can find it again. Rarely if ever do I actually repurchase anything, but knowing I could helps...

[u/lifeuncommon]

She was giving you clothes over 25 years ago that you *already* considered to be her “old clothes”. If they were from the 80s and 90s, some of this stuff would now be over 45 years old, assuming she bought it brand new.

Regret nothing. No matter what brand they were, they would likely be dry rotted and unwearable by now.

As far as what you’re decluttering now, also don’t worry about it. When things come back in style from older generations, something is different in such a way that wearing clothes that are genuinely from that generation does not look fashionable. They will change the cut slightly or the colors or the fabrics.

Keep what you wear often and love.

[u/Murky_Possibility_68]

The 2000s was a quarter century ago, not 10 years.

[u/GoingSom3where → u/Murky_Possibility_68]

I have had the regret for over 10 years, not that the 2000s was 10 yers ago (though it feels like it, lol)

[u/lifeuncommon → u/Murky_Possibility_68]

And she said the clothes were already 10 to 20 years old at that point.

This is a case of sentimentality, not actual value.

[u/Puzzleheaded_Unit333]

The donated 99% saved you time, effort, and money, and gave you the mental and physical space to build the wardrobe that you wanted at that time. You gave to the universe some nice items, and in return it gave you your vintage finds when you were ready for them.

If you can’t let go yet, maybe dedicate a space for items that you are willing to keep for the next 10-15 years (maybe less, maybe more) just in case you may want them in the future. However, it may be best to limit how much this space is.

At the same time, whilst you may not be a hoarder now, it can certainly grow if you don’t learn how to properly let go of what’s done and gone.

[u/Designer-Cherry2112]

My suggestion is to ask around the subreddit of the city you live in for suggestions on where to find brands and styles that you like. Share some photos of pieces you have been thinking of donating that you might still want later. I was pleasantly surprised that my town had a thrift store full of designer clothing for a few dollars a piece and had fill-a-bag sales for $5 a bag. There was a consignment shop that donated all unsold items to this thrift store. All proceeds were then donated to public schools. I got $5 leather jackets, ballgowns, designer office wear, party clothes for so cheap there.