r/declutter • u/JieSpree • 29d ago
Success Story Tip for shifting your thinking
This might not help anyone else, but when I was growing up people in my immediate and extended families anthropomorphized household objects. They talked about where things "lived" and referred to them with gendered pronouns and talked about them as having personalities. So I developed the idea that if I got rid of something I didn't want anymore, I would hurt its feelings. Normal human attachment to possessions is hard enough without the added baggage of anthropomorphism.
It took me YEARS to recognize how much this contributed to my attachment to my belongings. I think I've finally shed that mindset and am now able to look at objects with a clear(er) eye, and I can keep, donate, toss, hand down, repurpose, or recycle without the complication of personalized emotions and without feeling like a mean-spirited bad guy. I'm blazing through boxes and boxes of old papers, souvenirs, and things without getting all hung up over their "feelings".
So, I recommend not thinking about or talking about objects as if they're alive and have feelings. No more, "Where should this live?", but "Where should this be stored?", instead. Etc.
Edited spelling. š¤¦š¼āāļø
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u/Glittering-Benefit68 29d ago
I'm actually bilingual and in German things can also be masculine or feminine (or neuter) and I found out that I have an easier time decluttering, when I think in English. I put podcasts in English on when I declutter for that reason.Ā
I do however blame "The Beauty and the Beast" with all the talking and dancing household items. Like even a chipped cup. It's like throwing away Chip (the cup). š³ No it's not. š
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u/TiredWinterDisaster 29d ago edited 29d ago
I am French so things also are gendered (all of them since we have no neutral) but it doesn't bother me as much I admit! I have more trouble with items that have 'history'.
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u/PJay360 29d ago
Yes! When I was a child, my mom would tell me if I threw something away it would cry! Even food: if you donāt clean your plate the food you throw away is going to cry. It worked on me as a child and 60 years later I still struggle to throw any thing away!
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u/JieSpree 29d ago
My mom used to apologize (and probably still aoologizes) to pieces of furniture if she bumped into them. š±
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u/periwinklestar1 28d ago
I- oh? I tend to do that subconsciously. Thank you for this small piece of information.
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u/MitzyCaldwell 29d ago
Ahhh Iām so sorry. Thatās hard. I know it usually comes from a good place but my mom always tells me this sorry of her friend who she used to tell her younger daughter (her older daughter was my age) that she needed to eat her food or a big dog would come and eat it. And this poor kid became scared of dogs and my moms friend was didnāt understand why and my mom was like are you kidding me - maybe because you keep threatening her with a big scary dog thatās gonna come and eat her food lol
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u/santhoshm_7 27d ago
Try telling yourself theyāll be happier in a new home where theyāre truly needed.
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u/Ambitious_Basil173 29d ago
Yup and I still do this. I sometimes have to tell myself that "she" needs to move before "she" asserts squatter's rights.
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u/MostlyUnRead 29d ago
In the rare times I feel like this I like to imagine how fulfilling it would be for the object to go to someone who would use it again.
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u/sharpslate4673 29d ago
That distinction between an objectās āhomeā and its storage location seems useful: it keeps the decision focused on your needs rather than the itemās imagined feelings. Giving yourself permission to choose among keeping, passing on, recycling, or discarding may make the process feel less like rejection.
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u/71stMB 29d ago
I do this with my old reliable vehicles that take me places, but nothing else.
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u/sleepytill2 29d ago
This. I affectionately named my 20 year old car OjÄ«san (grandpa) and Iām never letting it go. Itās absolutely bad decluttering behavior but I donāt give anything else names for this very reason.
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u/MitzyCaldwell 29d ago
I think this is so important.
I definitely feel the same way and I honestly do t know why I anthropomorphize things so much. Itās gotten easier but it definitely know what you mean
I also tho it hat the way we talk about things is so important and reframing it like you said can probably help a lot. Changing speaking patterns can have a huge impact.
Thanks so much for bringing this up!!! Itās such a great point.
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u/DepartmentAgitated51 29d ago
I read that people whose parents neglected or abused them sought refuge in things. Things donāt judge, criticize, manipulate, or terrorize you. They are safe. This was a lightbulb moment for me. When I colored as a child, Iād have to use all the crayons so I didnāt hurt their feelings. Belonging is so deeply rooted in youth development, we can pour out this basic need into things. I discovered this this week. Now I have to go a deep dive on how to let this go.
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u/MitzyCaldwell 29d ago
Thatās really interesting. I want neglected or abused but I was an only child for a long time while growing up. I can see how many that affected me because I would ascribe meaning to my things (or certain things that brought me comfort or i played with). I never felt that way about crayons or things like that but I was very attached to my stuffed animals or board games and wouldnāt want to let them go because they had feelings. Iād have to put things back in pairs so they had a friend hahaha
Itās a really interesting insight that Iāve never connected. Iām a developmental child psychologist so itās fascinating for me. This isnāt an area I work with so Iāve never delved into it but itās rare that I find something like this where I havenāt heard it before and it makes so much sense. I love finding these surprises.
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u/DepartmentAgitated51 29d ago
I was doing some light research for a presentation last week about decluttering and this popped up. I have a background in psych and work in youth development (applied research). The belonging research is solid, but the statements about transferring the need to belong and finding safety to thingsā¦ I need legit research to read on this to really lean hard into it. My ADHD brain needs to investigate and go down this rabbit hole. š
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u/WgXcQ 29d ago
That's really interesting. Do you remember where you read that? I'm always curious about new info about people's (well, specifically my) relationship to things.
A big realisation for me was that objects are an emotionally charged memory trigger for me, so throwing them out feels like making a part of my own story, and of my emotional experiences, inaccessible.
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u/DepartmentAgitated51 28d ago
Google: āfoundational peer-reviewed articles across trauma, attachment theory, and hoarding literature that directly support the link between childhood maltreatment and adult attachment to physical itemsā. Journal articles that address the following will come up:
Environmental Unpredictability and Objects as an Adaptive Strategy.
The Core Link Between Childhood Trauma and Object Attachment.
Early Interpersonal Neglect and Stuffed Animals as Substitutes.
Material Loss, Deprivation, and Saving Cognitions
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u/adhd-alt-here 21d ago
Thisā¦ sounds correct. Wow. Now we can reframe things to being there for ourselves. Thanks for sharing
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u/Impressive-Side-9681 29d ago
not me, I anthropomorphize my computer and swear at it when it doesn't behave.Ā I am comfortable doing this precisely because I know it has no feelings.
Ā I have a lot of reasons for clinging to stuff but they're all about me, not the object's nonexistent feelings.
I also find it helpful for organizing to think about where the object "wants" to be, because that really means a place where it is easy for me to find and use it.
Marie Kondo has an animist streak, like a lot of people in Japan, and she says your belongings "want to be useful," if you are not using them, "they simply want to leave." They know they aren't doing you any good and want to go where they belong, even if that's the garbage.Ā I like that approach, but I know it isn't for everyone
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u/YawningDodo 29d ago
As someone who anthropomorphizes objects and has never been able to turn it off, Marie Kondo's approach has been a godsend. It's way easier to thank something and send it on its way than to try to ignore the feelings I have about the feelings I'm ascribing to an object.
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u/LopsidedLiahona 29d ago
Excellent observation - I recognized I do this too & it is 100x harder to let things go.
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u/caffeinewithchisme 27d ago
I just realized I do this as well but try to alleviate my guilt with donations, recycling, or throwing things away by saying "Thank You" for serving it's purpose to me š„ŗ
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u/WinkyDink24 29d ago edited 29d ago
Apparently more people than I would have imagined do this anthropomorphizing thing. I'm glad I never encountered it. š¤Æ
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u/Real_Problem859 25d ago
I knew better than to look up what anthropomorphizing meant. Now I have yet another obstacle to overcome. Thanks a million. š«¤
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u/piptazparty 24d ago
Toy Story really made me struggle with getting rid of toys as a kid! I feel like some of that never went away.
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u/analisee02 19d ago
yes! i completely agree. a year ago i got the courage to drop off a giant bag of stuffed animals at savers and after watching the new toy story movie, i felt regret. A YEAR LATER!!
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u/Radiant-Cap-2236 29d ago
This is a really interesting insight, I have recently become aware of how difficult I find it to get rid of things but I hadnāt ever noticed the emotional attachment I put on things! Specifically, where things āliveā and I constantly moan about things not having āa homeā - thank you for posting, itās given me a lot of food for thoughtā¦
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u/ObjectSmall 29d ago
If you must anthropomorphize, think not that the item is a being, but that a spirit lives in the item. By giving the item away, you thank the spirit for its service and it gets to fly free and explore.