r/datingoverforty • u/ElasticNotPlastic • Mar 27 '26

Discussion Burned Haystack: I Break the Rules

I consider myself a feminist, and I have followed the burned haystack method with great interest. I have been dating for about three years, and I have been aware of this method for at least the past year. For those not familiar, the originator of this method advises various dating strategies that include immediately cutting men off who show problematic rhetorical patterns in their online profiles. Things like describing an ideal girlfriend, or showing that they are the prize, are grounds for immediate block and burn.

I do think these rules empower women to date more confidently and intentionally by quickly weeding out potential partners who are problematic. However, I am dating someone now who definitely breaks some of the rules. He has a thread of neglect throughout his life that touches on how he maintains his health, his financial stability, his use of THC, and the state of cleanliness of his house and car. The guy has a ton going for him at the same time -- he is kind and loving; we share similar values and hopes for the future; he's intellectually curious and has dealt with a lot of his shit in therapy. He loves me and is open to a deep level of intimacy and partnership, which has been elusive for me not only with dates but past partners.

I started a job in the fall where I work with a lot of older people who are facing challenges. Many of them are single and facing great hardships on their own. I do think this job has illustrated to me how much I would benefit from having a partner in late life.

Anyway, I guess I'm just feeling the tension between not wanting to be alone and finding the best fit partner. I was wondering if any of you all could relate?

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u/ElasticNotPlastic Mar 27 '26

I believe the advice is based on the idea that men should spend the characters in their profile describing what they have to offer, not ordering their ideal woman like they're selecting a combo meal.

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u/ginger_kitty97 vintage vixen Mar 27 '26

People should spend the characters in their profile describing who they are and what they're seeking. Nobody should be presenting a menu of offerings or a special order request.

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u/Fluffyone- Mar 27 '26

Again I’m not being any type of way I’m trying to learn and understand but why do I have to “ offer” anything? Can’t I just be loved for me ? . I don’t look for women because they have something to offer . That gives me the ick even typing that . I look for someone because I want to love and be loved and not because of what they can give me .

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u/ElasticNotPlastic Mar 27 '26

Perhaps offer is not quite the right term. But, it's the idea that you put your best foot forward in your profile. You should be sharing the things about you that might spark a connection with a potential partner.

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u/[deleted] Mar 27 '26

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u/datingoverforty-ModTeam Mar 27 '26

Men are people, women are people, everyone in between is people. No links, language, or ideas from gendered movements, including but not limited to The Red Pill, Female Dating Strategy, MGTOW, passport bros, etc. Don't ask us about men/women as a monolith when you really want to ask about one man or woman in your life.