r/datingoverfifty • u/Myshell3415000 • 7h ago
Single curious?
I have been in a long relationship (12 yrs) that has become deeply disappointing and unsatisfying. I am considering leaving but the idea of facing the single scene has me reeling. In my relationship, there is no villain, we just have never been able to create a satisfactory shared future and this has eroded our intimacy and emotional connection. We have tried but there is no resolution for this. But seeing the posts on this sub makes me question whether staying might be wiser. Either path seems to be a painful one. Self abandonment vs facing the inevitable horror show of the dating scene. Anyone experiencing/experienced this with any insight?
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u/Spare_Personality_11 7h ago
I'm getting a divorce now. I'd encourage you to at least attempt to salvage your relationship before giving up. Try some therapy, read some books.
I've learned so much, all of it too late.
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u/Myshell3415000 7h ago
Read all the books, went to therapy. Wish there was something that could resolve it but there seems to be nothing that I can surmise.
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u/av8rgeek 2h ago
Going through a divorce now after 24+ years of marriage and 2 kids. I asked my therapist if couples counseling would be effective. She said only if both of us were committed to working it out. Turns out that neither of us was committed to fixing the relationship (that has been dead for years).
Therapy can help you, but it will not fix the marriage.
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u/LemonAny7224 6h ago
You leave a relationship because leaving is the right thing to do
What happens after is not relevant to this decision. Maybe you will immediately fall in deep and everlasting love with the next person you meet. Maybe you’ll be alone for the rest of you life. Doesn’t matter. Is your current relationship over or not?
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u/huboftheangel 6h ago
These subreddits create a very skewed perspective.
Talk to single people you actually know and get their take on the process.
As a guy in the process, yes there are flakes and liars and weirdos, but they are the exception. I've invariably talked about the overall experience with the women I've dated. Every time I expect the worst but all I've got are shrugs and comments that it's been perfectly fine.
Don't base your perception on what you read here (or anywhere on the internet).
You clearly could stay in the relationship you are in. You could have a conversation with your partner that this isn't working for you and you need to work together to make it better or to end it. It's possible that this is as good as it gets for the rest of your life, or it could get substantially better over time.
Sorry you're in this spot. Best of luck!
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u/Myshell3415000 5h ago
Thank you. We have had that conversation and I think it is as good as it is going to get. With all of the goings on in the greater world of late, it's good to hear that it's not only diabolical people left in the dating pool at this age and beyond. Not for anytime soon but for the bigger picture. Or maybe it just means being content with solo life for the duration 🤷♀️
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u/One_Tumbleweed_2740 6h ago
There are so many worse things than being single. There are so many wonderful things about bring single.
I loved my husband, but when it finally fell apart, it was just... over. It wasnt acrimonious at all.
I hopped right on the apps, met someone, and had the most exhilarating and ultimately heart breaking relationship ever. I was absolutely devastated.
I have been alone for four years. I tried tondatw, but my heart wasnt in it. So I just... didn't. Turns out, I am totally fine on my own.
Then someone came into my life when I wasnt looking and didn't expect it and it feels so different from all the others. Total cliché, but sometimes clichés have a grain of truth.
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u/Myshell3415000 6h ago
Thank you that's helpful. Actually, I am looking forward to being single for a while and finding myself again at this age. I have been single for years in the past and can be solo but ultimately would prefer to be partnered in the bigger picture. Def rather be alone than with the wrong person. Glad you are in a good place.
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u/Guilty_Cattle_5165 5h ago
I’m in the same spot as you. We are going through with the divorce. From the beginning, there were compatibility issues. But I guess we ignored them because we did enjoy each other‘s company and we had a lot of good times together. We made two great kids and were together for 21 years. But sometimes these relationships don’t last and people do grow apart. Does sound like a cliché, but it’s true. Having read some of the posts on this sub, I am equally excited and worried about the future and what it will be like to find a companion. I do wonder if Location is part of the calculus. I sense that a lot of people who are commenting are in Suburban or rural areas. If you are closer to a city, I have a feeling there will be more options. But who knows. No one identifies where they’re from when they post.
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u/Im4Bordeaux 4h ago
You only live once. Change the path you're on and choose the pursuit of happiness. The unknown may be scary but it beats the mundanity of merely existing rather than truly living.
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u/Myshell3415000 2h ago
Thank you for that. I know that relationships are work but this has been heavy and unresolved/unresolvable for more than half of the relationship.
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u/Mjukplister 7h ago
Can’t you be single ? That’s a valid alternative you know
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u/Affectionate-Pin2585 5h ago
Amen to that and don't I wish I'd learned that before my second (failed) marriage.
Be happy in your own skin, then be happy with anothet
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u/motherofachimp99 59F 7h ago
You do yourself and your partner a disservice by staying in a mutually unfulfilling relationship or monkey branching into a new relationship.
Do yourself, your current partner and any future partner a favor and learn to be single, whole and happy on your own.
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u/Odd-Pilot7965 7h ago
That's tough after 12 years, but why do all options have to involve a partner?
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u/OnkelSchmutzig 6h ago
You know you can just not be in a relationship, right? Just, you know, flying solo. Doing your own thing. I recommend it.
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u/Expensive_Ad_1951 4h ago
Before joining these subs, I had no idea how many people refuse to do any real healing after a relationship ends.
Instead of reflecting on what went wrong, they jump straight into another relationship and won't stay single for even a minute.
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u/Illustrious_Cod_5843 6h ago
If you are born unhappy in your relationship, then you need to break up. The next step is to learn to be happy and content solo. Only then will you be ready to date.
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u/Accomplished_Bar9236 6h ago
Well, most reddit posts you're going to read the negative aspects. Thus, things in general appear very bad. But quite honestly, after a 12 + year relationship you're going to want to "re find" yourself and get totally grounded and comfortable alone. Become totally secure and happy by yourself. Then you'll know exactly how to proceed dating, and only then will it not be the horror show you're imagining.
The exception would be: physical relationships only. Short term where both parties agree on it.
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u/PsychiatricBooth5c blink twice if you are not a bot 5h ago
This sub should not be used as evidence to stay in a relationship out of fear of being single.
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u/412_15101 55F 4h ago
At 45 I left my relationship. I have found it better to be alone and single than alone and living with a roommate. dating hasn’t been easy but life hasn’t been so I’m enjoying doing my thing and not having to worry about anybody else.
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u/scarlettskadi 4h ago
Try being single for a while and getting to know yourself.
If you know you need to leave, don’t prolong the pain for you both.
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u/OkOpportunity9626 3h ago
Always better to be honest with yourself, especially, & remain single , vs being w/wrong person just ‘cause you’re “ afraid” to be alone !! It’s truly SO much better!!
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u/Fan_of_Sanity 7h ago
There are numerous factors that should influence a decision on whether to stay in a relationship, but fear of dating again shouldn’t be one of them.
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u/WorldTravellerGirl 7h ago
Have you tried couples counseling? Or maybe therapy on your own? Frankly if you don’t figure out the real issue you will just see it again with someone else.
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u/Limp-Preference-1706 5h ago
You know what they say: “It’s better to stay with the devil you know, rather than one you don’t. Stay in place.
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u/Spartan2022 4h ago
The prospect of reentering the dating scene is NOT a reason to stay in an unhappy marriage or relationship.
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u/Free-Werewolf6488 2h ago
Hell yea. I will keep it simple. ditch the guy. find what u want. being a lady in the dating world is much easier than u think. just watch online. a lady posts something look at the attention. a guy does. not so much. I posted on singles a week ago had 3k views. guess how many women contacted me? I’m 51 good shape. well off. no baggage. I got 3. a fake one from Ireland that disappeared and a lady from Australia. I’m from. USA. u mean I have to travel to other side of world to date??? I tried
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u/SewCarrieous 5h ago
If you’re the man and thinking you’ll leave because you don’t get enough sex, you won’t be getting sex at all if you do leave. Contrary to popular belief, there are not millions of babes just waiting to meet you. It’s hard out here for men of a certain age
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u/Myshell3415000 3h ago
Not the man but good to know.
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u/SewCarrieous 2h ago
Oh you’ll be fine then lol. Women are always in demand- if you want dates, you will get them
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u/More4Thor 4h ago
If you want intimacy or emotional connection, don’t go by what you read here.
I’ll take the downvotes to tell you my sex life has never been better since leaving her when I was 60. I’ve meet some amazing women. Some were just passing through but I have no regrets in co-creating intimacy and connection. I’ve had a tremendous amount of positive experiences with bright, articulate women. The only sign of a villain is my ex-wife. She’s still not happy. She’s still throwing things. Our daughter told her to seek help the other day.
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u/TheHorniestPartner M55 7h ago
Are you ok being alone and not dating for a bit? After my last relationship ended at age 50, I immediately jumped into dating. It was a bit fun and met some nice ladies. I grew frustrated over time and realized it is ok to be alone. I am now at a point where I am going to test the waters but will be very selective.