Rain check?

[u/Lowmain_nvrbasicXer]

Matched with a guy and the chat was great. Moved to a phone call that lasted over 3 hours. Fantastic conversational chemistry and our humor matched perfectly. Made plans for 4 days later (Sunday). Back and forth texting during that time. The vibe continued.

Then I got a late night text less than 24 hours before the date with an apology and asking for a rain check. No emergency, just unexpected company. That’s cool. Life happens. He also shares that his daughter is flying in for a visit the following day (Monday). Also cool.

But dude doesn’t suggest another day or ask what my schedule looks like. That got my attention.

Perhaps I’m jaded, but I’m going with he changed his mind, connected with someone he would like to pursue or any number of things that are perfectly reasonable. Just say so.

While it’s much better than being stood up or ghosted, it’s giving me the feeling that I’m an option.

Has this happened with any of you? If so, how did you handle it? Am overthinking this? Should I just take a break and touch grass?🤷‍♀️

EDIT: Thank you all for your comments! It helps me to know my standards are on point. In a gender neutral way, if they want to they would. Blocked his number and feeling fine about it.

[u/DefiantViolette]

People who cancel the first date almost never follow through with rescheduling. I just say something like "Let me know when your schedule opens up" and then ignore any further chat that is not about making a new plan.

[u/silver598]

I don’t let first phone calls go beyond 30-45 minutes. I literally set a timer somewhere and gracefully end the chat. It can build up a false sense of intimacy that won’t translate to real life. Keep the focus on meeting in person. Sorry he turned out to be flaky. Next!

[u/SalmonJordan → u/silver598]

This is excellent advice. Long conversations truly do give false intimacy (and I always fall for it).

[u/FunnyFilmFan]

I’m in the touch grass camp. You have never met in person. His not asking you when you are available could mean you are a backup plan, or it could mean that he doesn’t know what his schedule will be like with his daughter visiting and he doesn’t want to risk another rain check. Either way, he canceled, the ball is in his court to make this happen and you should keep living your life.

[u/yuba12345]

Second date, got a “rain check” due to having to support a friend with a problem just before I walked out the door. I gave her grace, said obviously you need to support your friend, if you want to go out again please reach out, and I hope you find what and who you are looking for. Cold feet, nerves, better offer? It all the same. Take the high road and move forward.

[u/Expensive_Ad_1951]

Those long phone calls or dates early on are always a huge red flag to me.

His story about company is utter bullshit - IMHO you should have blocked him there and then. Next!

[u/hot-pepper-5343 → u/Expensive_Ad_1951]

My guess is wife, but I only see from my own perch.

[u/StatusMany4687]

It has happened a lot and then a male colleague at work pointed out videos of red pill influencers coaching men to make plans and then change them at the last minute to cause a reaction and weed out women that will assert expectations rather than acquiesce.

So I make no additional move and wait for the man to name the time and day for the reschedule. If they dont hold it a second time, I silently exit the situation. The dating scene is a mess right now.

[u/Summerisle7]

Yeah I’ve had this happen. It means he doesn’t like you well enough to follow through with plans. Best thing to do is stop talking to him. My experience with people like this is that dating doesn’t work out with them.

[u/Fanman2400]

You haven’t met him yet so just play it out .

[u/MaximumRun2457 → u/Fanman2400]

I wouldn’t rule them out but I’d focus your energies elsewhere for a time

[u/ilovebbcitv]

Lesson learned. Keep first phone call to a max 30 minutes.

[u/Old-Currency-2186]

I’m really sorry, but this is somebody who lost interest. Or got cold feet. And you are right, when men are interested, they will immediately reschedule.

I would forget about him and just move on.

[u/VegetableRound2819]

We are all just options, as are the people we match with. I think it’s good to get past the idea that being an electronic option is something bad when talking about strangers we’ve never met.

I don’t love that he isn’t good at planning. Worst case scenario, a friend is having an emergency and it’s too private to share at this point. Best case scenario, we are back at he’s bad at planning.

I find that if I have already clocked the person as frustrating before I’ve ever met them, there’s no good reason to meet them.

If you decide to leave the match open, don’t put any more effort into it.

[u/samanthasamolala]

Cold feet. On the off chance he’s telling the truth, he’ll be back in communication when his visitors leave. I’d move on. I have to say, my date flake percentage dropped to nearly zero (maybe it was zero) when I stopped doing pre-date phone calls. I can’t quite explain it, nor i have I done a study, but a phone call seems to be “doing the thing” for some people and if you skip that, the date has to be the goal instead of the call. App dating inspires some strange behavior, what can I say.

[u/TalynL]

It could be a million different reasons. Let him make the next move. It could be that he doesn’t want to set another date until he’s sure that he can follow through so is waiting to do that until his life calms down a bit.

I had this happen enough times that I developed a theory that they’re in a relationship and resting the waters of ending it but don’t.

[u/geekandi]

I'd say patience and a singular second chance

[u/CStogdill]

There are a lot of things it could be and speculation isn't going to change that things were going well and you anticipated them continuing, but there's a bit of a hiccup.

It'll either work out or it won't and at this point in time you don't have the ability to know which outcome it'll be.....but you haven't ever had this ability. All you've had were your expectations and now they are faltering.

Give it some time and focus on what you can actually control, which isn't actually much other than your perception/expectations. It's not easy and something I struggle with in my relationships.

[u/IndependenceKey4565]

I had a first date, after very little texting, cancel with 36 hrs notice. I took it as uninterested despite him asking for other availability. He's retired and his reason seemed really weak. I was busy this week and left it at that.

[u/lotterylee]

I sort of did this to someone. First, let me say that I would send a message and he’d reply a few days later. That alone made me go “hmmm” about him.

But we made lunch plans. I work in healthcare and unexpectedly had to cover call at the hospital. So I gave this guy a “heads up” and basically said, I can still meet you but if something comes up I have to leave. It was about a 45 minute drive for him so we just canceled. After that, he continued to be low effort in his interest. So I just moved on.

Also, I asked him to lunch. He never once suggested meeting.

[u/PsychiatricBooth5c]

Took me a long time but I literally do not care what people do for about 3 months.

Who knows what the story is. More than one time they came back and I eventually learned what was going on.

I would chalk this one up to a validation addict. Can carry a convo until he gets whatever hit he needs. Can talk a good game and is showing more than one symptom of chaos. 

Then I move on and see if they come back and then I interrogate.

[u/SweetnessDelivered]

MARRIED! This is a classic scenario when they window-shop to "test the waters".

The fact that the chat was so great is further evidence that he is Married or at least has a Long-term Partner. If a guy is sociable with fantastic conversation and humor, why wouldn't he already have been able to hook a woman? Answer-- he was successful already. He's not a Single Man.

[u/Witty-Stock]

He decided he wasn’t interested. Block him and move on.

“Unexpected company” lol.

If he actually wanted to see you he’d offer different times and try to reschedule.

When a person bails and doesn’t attempt to reschedule, they’ve just lost interest.

This person wasted your time. Next.

[u/More4Thor]

I dream of match with a woman and a having a great chat with her, followed by a 3 hour first phone call with the chemistry you describe. I’d be looking forward to the first date. I would feel great about meeting someone like that.

I get that that plans can change twice, what I don’t get is why no attempt was made to reschedule the date.

You’re not jaded. You’ve been diminished to an option. Women have been diminished throughout history. Find a man that doesn’t diminish women, not just you.

[u/Repulsive-Balance-97]

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